How to improve corporate productivity
Posted on 03/11/2005 8:16:15 AM PST by Fierce Allegiance
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That business out of the way, let's have at it!
I took the item away from her and I asked her not to do that.
"Why?" my daughter asked.
"Because it's been laying outside, you don't know where it's been, it's dirty and probably has germs" I replied.
At this point, my daughter looked at me with total admiration and asked, "Wow! How do you know all this stuff?"
"Uh," ...I was thinking quickly,"All moms know this stuff. It's on the Mommy Test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Mommy."
We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information.
"OH...I get it!" she beamed, "So if you don't pass the test you have To be the daddy."
"Exactly" I replied back with a big smile on my face.
Two married buddies are out drinking one night, when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. Take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, get undressed in the bathroom, stick my foot in the toilet and pee down my leg to prevent splashing sounds. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes Up, and yells at me for staying out so late!
His buddy looks at him and says "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, pee hard into the toilet water, then use the full flush, throw my shoes in the closet, undress in the bedroom, then jump into bed, slap her on the ass and say, "WANT SOME LOVIN'????!!!"", and she acts like she's sound asleep.
Unnnnngh!
Busted.
Continuing,,,
So a boy potato comes up the the prostitute spuds and asks, "Frito Lay?"
The farmer replies, "It wouldn't be a problem, 'cept those aren't cows, they're bulls. You don't get mild from bulls, you get it from cows."
The kid says, "I didn't think it would hurt them, sir. I just wanted to get some milk. I was told country people were friendly and I thought you would allow it."
The farmer tries again. "Son, it ain't about hurtin' 'em or me bein' friendly or anything. It's about nature. You get milk from cows. Those are bulls. You can't get milk from 'em."
The kid looks crestfallen and says, "I didn't mean any harm. I guess you were the wrong farmer to ask."
The farmer says, "Kid, if you want some milk," he gestures toward the field, "knock yourself out."
The kid lights up and runs to his trunk. He gets out a small jar and runs into the field. The farmer gets back to work. After a few minuts the kid returns with the jar full of frothy, warm milk and thanks the farmer. The farmer is dumbstruck. Before he can even ask the kid how he did this the kid says, "You know, while I was out getting this milk I noticed a bunch of honeysuckle growing out in your field. I've never had fresh country honey before. Would you mind?"
The farmer, having regained his tongue, says, "I wouldn't mind, except you don't get honey from flowers, you get honey from bees."
The kid says, "I didn't mean to hurt your honeysuckle, sir. I just wondered if I could have some fresh honey."
Sensing defeat a little earlier this time the farmer says, "Help yourself." The kid lights up again, gets another jar, and runs into the field. Just as the farmer finishes the work on the fence the kid returns with a jar of honey.
The farmer is beside himself. He can't even get the question fraimed in his mind at this point. While he's still collecting his thoughts the kid says, "I noticed you have a big field of pussy-willows out on the back of your field."
The farmer says, "Wait for me to get my hat."
Shalom.
The most commonly heard phrase at your family reunion is "What the hell are you looking at, Sh*thead?"
And he comes home bushed every night...
40 THINGS YOU'D LIKE TO SAY OUT LOUD AT WORK
1. "I can see your point, but I still think you're full of sh*t."
2. "I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce."
3. "How about never? Is never good for you?"
4. "I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public."
5. "I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way."
6. "I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter."
7. "I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message."
8. "I don't work here. I'm a consultant."
9. "It sounds like English, but I can't understand a damn word you're saying."
10. "Ahhh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again."
11. "I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid."
12. "You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers."
13. "I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn."
14. "I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth."
15. "I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you."
16. "Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view."
17. "The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist."
18. "Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental."
19. "What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?"
20. "I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant."
21. "It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off."
22. "Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial."
23. "And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?"
24. "Do I look like a people person?"
25. "This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting."
26. "I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left."
27. "Sarcasm is just one more service we offer."
28. "If I throw a stick, will you leave?"
29. "Errors have been made. Others will be blamed."
30. "Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed."
31. "I'm trying to imagine you with a personality."
32. "A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door."
33. "Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?"
34. "Too many freaks, not enough circuses."
35. "Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?"
36. "Chaos, panic, and disorder - my work here is done."
37. "How do I set a laser printer to stun?"
38. "I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted a salary."
39. "Who lit the fuse on your tampon?"
40. "Oh I get it... like humor... but different!"
Awww man! I'm gonna have to wait until I get some. Shucks!
OMG!! bahahahahaha
Mountain Dew dont feel good through the nose!
No. No. Don't stop. Don't stop. I'll still respect you. I'll respect you even more. Just use more whipped cream.
For rich Yankee white trash, the most common phrase as your family reunions is 'And here is a restraining order for you!'
That fineprint is waaaaay too easy to read. Standard Disclaimer Action figures sold separately. Add toner. All models over 18 years of age. All rights reserved. Allow four to six weeks for delivery. An equal opportunity employer. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, is unintentional and purely coincidental. Apply only to affected area. Approved for veterans. As seen on TV. At participating locations only. Do not put head over tube. Avoid contact with mucous membranes. Avoid contact with skin. Avoid extreme temperatures and store in a cool dry place. Batteries not included. Be sure each item is properly endorsed. Beware of dog. Booths for two or more. Breaking seal constitutes acceptance of agreement. This film has been formatted from it's orginal version to fit your screen. (How did they know the size of my screen?) Call toll free number before digging. Caveat emptor. Contents under pressure. Do not walk. No parking 4-6PM. Check here if tax deductible. If your parents had no children, you probably will not have any either. Close cover before striking. Colors may fade. Do not try this at home. Contains a substantial amount of non-tobacco ingredients. Contents may settle during shipment. Contestants have been briefed on some questions before the show. You will remain logged in even if you close your browser. Logging off clears all cookies. You will remain logged in even if you close your browser. When you use Log Off to log out, you will log out of all computers you are currently logged into. Helpful if you've forgotten to log off in an untrusted environment. Disclaimer does not cover hurricane, lightning, tornado, tsunami, volcanic eruption, earthquake, flood, and other Acts of God, misuse, neglect, unauthorized repair, damage from improper installation, broken antenna or marred cabinet, incorrect line voltage, missing or altered serial nmbers, sonic boom vibrations, electromagnetic radiation from nuclear blasts, customer adjustments that are not covered in this disclaimer, and incidents owing to airplane crash, ship sinking, motor vehicle accidents, leaky roof, broken glass, falling rocks, Democrats, mud slides, forest fire, flying projectiles, or dropping the item. Do not bend, fold, mutilate, or spindle. Do not place near flammable or magnetic source. Do not puncture, incinerate, or store above 120 degrees Fahrenheit. Do not stamp. Use other side for additional listings. Do not use while operating a motor vehicle or heavy equipment. Opinions posted on Free Republic are those of the individual posters and may or may not be the opinion of Free Republic or its operators. Do not write below this line. Documents are provided "as is" without any warranties expressed or implied. Don't quote me on anything. Don't quote me on that. We collect no personal information about you, other than the entire contents of your hard drive. Driver does not carry cash. By posting messages, uploading files, inputting data, sending content and artwork to the Company or engaging in any other form of communication (individually or collectively "Communications") to the Company Web Site, you hereby grant to Company a perpetual, worldwide, irrevocable, unrestricted, non-exclusive, royalty free license to use, copy, license, sublicense, adapt, distribute, display, publicly perform, reproduce, transmit, modify, edit and otherwise exploit such Communications, in all media now known or hereafter developed. Drop in any mailbox. Edited for television. Employees and their families are not eligible. Falling rock. Unauthorized attempts to upload or change information; to defeat or circumvent security measures; or to utilize this system for other than its intended purposes are prohibited. First pull up, then pull down. You are responsible for obtaining access to the Service and that access may involve third party fees (such as Internet service provider or airtime charges). You are responsible for those fees, including those fees associated with the display or delivery of advertisements. In addition, you must provide and are responsible for all equipment necessary to access the Service. Closed Captioning is now available for both daytime and primetime shows. Flames redirected to /dev/null. For a limited time only. For external use only. We may enter the information you send into an electronic database, to share with our attorneys and investigators involved in law enforcement or policy-making and with our advertisers. For off-road use only. For office use only. For recreational use only. Do not disturb. Freshest if eaten before date on carton. Hand wash only, tumble dry on low heat. If a rash, redness, irritation, or swelling develops, discontinue use. If condition persists, consult your physician. If defects are discovered, do not attempt to fix them yourself, but return to an authorized service center. Translations of any materials into language other than English is intended solely as a convenience to the non-English-reading public. If ingested, do not induce vomiting, if symptoms persist, consult a doctor. Keep away from open flames and avoid inhaling fumes. Keep away from sunlight, pets, and small children. Keep cool; process promptly. Limit one-per-family, please. Limited time offer, call now to ensure prompt delivery. List at least two alternate dates. List each check separately by bank number. List was current at time of printing. Lost ticket pays maximum rate. May be too intense for some viewers. Must be 18 to enter. No Canadian coins. No alcohol, dogs or horses. Do not sit on changing table. No anchovies unless otherwise specified. No animals were harmed in the production of these documents. No money down. No other warranty expressed or implied. No passes accepted for this engagement. No postage necessary if mailed in the United States. No preservatives added. No purchase necessary. No salt, MSG, artificial color or flavor added. No shoes, no shirt, no service, no kidding. No solicitors. No substitutions allowed. No transfers issued until the bus comes to a complete stop. No user-serviceable parts inside. Not affiliated with the American Red Cross or other such scams. Not liable for damages due to use or misuse. Not recommended for children. Not responsible for direct, indirect, incidental or consequential damages resulting from any defect, error or failure to perform. Not the Beatles. Objects in mirror may be closer than they appear. A "toy Yoda" is not to be confused with a Toyota. Privacy not assured. Do not allow children to play in dryers. Fines double in work zones. One size fits all. Many suitcases look alike. No ticket, no laundry. Other copyright laws for specific entries apply wherever noted. Other restrictions may apply. Package sold by weight, not volume. Parental advisory - explicit lyrics. Penalty for private use. Place stamp here. Please remain seated until the ride has come to a complete stop. Possible penalties for early withdrawal. Post office will not deliver without postage. Beverages labeled "Hot" may be hot. Postage will be paid by addressee. Prerecorded for this time zone. Please remain seated until we stop at the gate. Price does not include taxes. Processed at location stamped in code at top of carton. You have the right to remain silent. This is a “No Smoking” flight. Quantities are limited while supplies last. Read at your own risk. Record additional transactions on back of previous stub. Replace with same type. Reproduction strictly prohibited. Restaurant package, not for resale. Return to sender, no forwarding order on file, unable to forward. Ribbed for your pleasure. Please pick up after your pet. This site is protected by various provisions of Title 18, U.S. Code. Safety goggles may be required during use. Sanitized for your protection. Sealed for your protection, do not use if the safety seal is broken. If a copyright is indicated on a photo, graphic, or any other material, permission to copy these materials must be obtained from the original source. See label for sequence. Shading within a garment may occur. Sign here without admitting guilt. Simulated picture. For site security purposes and to ensure that this service remains available to all users, we employ software programs to monitor traffic to identify unauthorized attempts to upload or change information, or otherwise cause damage. In the event of authorized law enforcement investigations, and pursuant to any required legal process, information from these sources may be used to help identify an individual. Slightly enlarged to show detail. Slightly higher west of the Rockies. Slippery when wet. Smoking these may be hazardous to your health. Reference here to any specific commercial products, process, service, manufacturer, or company does not constitute its endorsement or recommendation by the US Government or HHS. Some assembly required. Do not send cash. Some equipment shown is optional. Some of the trademarks mentioned in this product appear for identification purposes only. Remove foil before insertion. Subject to FCC approval. You must be present to win. Subject to change without notice. Substantial penalty for early withdrawal, possible loss of consortium. Text may contain material some readers may find objectionable, parental guidance is advised. The information provided using this web site is only intended to be general summary information to the public. It is not intended to take the place of either the written law or regulations. Text used in these documents is made from 100% recycled electrons and magnetic particles. This is not an offer to sell securities. Not valid in Texas nor the United States. This offer is void where prohibited, taxed, or otherwise restricted. This product is meant for educational purposes only. Times approximate. Unix is a registered trademark of AT&T. Use only as directed. Use only in a well-ventilated area. User assumes full liabilities. Void where prohibited. We have sent the forms which seem right for you. You need not be present to win. Your canceled check is your receipt. Opinions expressed here (and perhaps elsewhere) are not necessarily those of the company nor the crew of the Mobius Triangle, nor of ship’s cat Thud, and may be, in fact, not valid otherwise, and to protect the innocence of said crew are thus not expressed here. Your mileage may vary. The refund check is in the mail.
Disclaimer: Opinions posted on Free Republic are those of the individual posters and do not necessarily represent the opinion of Free Republic or its management. All materials posted herein are protected by copyright law and the exemption for fair use of copyrighted works.
