Free Republic
Browse · Search
General/Chat
Topics · Post Article

Skip to comments.

**** OFFICIAL FRIDAY SILLINESS THREAD!!!! ****
3/11/05 | All

Posted on 03/11/2005 8:16:15 AM PST by Fierce Allegiance

Due to recent events, We require you read and acknowledge the following:

Standard Disclaimer

Action figures sold separately. Add toner. All models over 18 years of age. All rights reserved. Allow four to six weeks for delivery. An equal opportunity employer. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, is unintentional and purely coincidental. Apply only to affected area. Approved for veterans. As seen on TV. At participating locations only. Do not put head over tube. Avoid contact with mucous membranes. Avoid contact with skin. Avoid extreme temperatures and store in a cool dry place. Batteries not included. Be sure each item is properly endorsed. Beware of dog. Booths for two or more. Breaking seal constitutes acceptance of agreement. This film has been formatted from it's orginal version to fit your screen. (How did they know the size of my screen?) Call toll free number before digging. Caveat emptor. Contents under pressure. Do not walk. No parking 4-6PM. Check here if tax deductible. If your parents had no children, you probably will not have any either. Close cover before striking. Colors may fade. Do not try this at home. Contains a substantial amount of non-tobacco ingredients. Contents may settle during shipment. Contestants have been briefed on some questions before the show. You will remain logged in even if you close your browser. Logging off clears all cookies. You will remain logged in even if you close your browser. When you use Log Off to log out, you will log out of all computers you are currently logged into. Helpful if you've forgotten to log off in an untrusted environment. Disclaimer does not cover hurricane, lightning, tornado, tsunami, volcanic eruption, earthquake, flood, and other Acts of God, misuse, neglect, unauthorized repair, damage from improper installation, broken antenna or marred cabinet, incorrect line voltage, missing or altered serial nmbers, sonic boom vibrations, electromagnetic radiation from nuclear blasts, customer adjustments that are not covered in this disclaimer, and incidents owing to airplane crash, ship sinking, motor vehicle accidents, leaky roof, broken glass, falling rocks, Democrats, mud slides, forest fire, flying projectiles, or dropping the item. Do not bend, fold, mutilate, or spindle. Do not place near flammable or magnetic source. Do not puncture, incinerate, or store above 120 degrees Fahrenheit. Do not stamp. Use other side for additional listings. Do not use while operating a motor vehicle or heavy equipment. Opinions posted on Free Republic are those of the individual posters and may or may not be the opinion of Free Republic or its operators. Do not write below this line. Documents are provided "as is" without any warranties expressed or implied. Don't quote me on anything. Don't quote me on that. We collect no personal information about you, other than the entire contents of your hard drive. Driver does not carry cash. By posting messages, uploading files, inputting data, sending content and artwork to the Company or engaging in any other form of communication (individually or collectively "Communications") to the Company Web Site, you hereby grant to Company a perpetual, worldwide, irrevocable, unrestricted, non-exclusive, royalty free license to use, copy, license, sublicense, adapt, distribute, display, publicly perform, reproduce, transmit, modify, edit and otherwise exploit such Communications, in all media now known or hereafter developed. Drop in any mailbox. Edited for television. Employees and their families are not eligible. Falling rock. Unauthorized attempts to upload or change information; to defeat or circumvent security measures; or to utilize this system for other than its intended purposes are prohibited. First pull up, then pull down. You are responsible for obtaining access to the Service and that access may involve third party fees (such as Internet service provider or airtime charges). You are responsible for those fees, including those fees associated with the display or delivery of advertisements. In addition, you must provide and are responsible for all equipment necessary to access the Service. Closed Captioning is now available for both daytime and primetime shows. Flames redirected to /dev/null. For a limited time only. For external use only. We may enter the information you send into an electronic database, to share with our attorneys and investigators involved in law enforcement or policy-making and with our advertisers. For off-road use only. For office use only. For recreational use only. Do not disturb. Freshest if eaten before date on carton. Hand wash only, tumble dry on low heat. If a rash, redness, irritation, or swelling develops, discontinue use. If condition persists, consult your physician. If defects are discovered, do not attempt to fix them yourself, but return to an authorized service center. Translations of any materials into language other than English is intended solely as a convenience to the non-English-reading public. If ingested, do not induce vomiting, if symptoms persist, consult a doctor. Keep away from open flames and avoid inhaling fumes. Keep away from sunlight, pets, and small children. Keep cool; process promptly. Limit one-per-family, please. Limited time offer, call now to ensure prompt delivery. List at least two alternate dates. List each check separately by bank number. List was current at time of printing. Lost ticket pays maximum rate. May be too intense for some viewers. Must be 18 to enter. No Canadian coins. No alcohol, dogs or horses. Do not sit on changing table. No anchovies unless otherwise specified. No animals were harmed in the production of these documents. No money down. No other warranty expressed or implied. No passes accepted for this engagement. No postage necessary if mailed in the United States. No preservatives added. No purchase necessary. No salt, MSG, artificial color or flavor added. No shoes, no shirt, no service, no kidding. No solicitors. No substitutions allowed. No transfers issued until the bus comes to a complete stop. No user-serviceable parts inside. Not affiliated with the American Red Cross or other such scams. Not liable for damages due to use or misuse. Not recommended for children. Not responsible for direct, indirect, incidental or consequential damages resulting from any defect, error or failure to perform. Not the Beatles. Objects in mirror may be closer than they appear. A "toy Yoda" is not to be confused with a Toyota. Privacy not assured. Do not allow children to play in dryers. Fines double in work zones. One size fits all. Many suitcases look alike. No ticket, no laundry. Other copyright laws for specific entries apply wherever noted. Other restrictions may apply. Package sold by weight, not volume. Parental advisory - explicit lyrics. Penalty for private use. Place stamp here. Please remain seated until the ride has come to a complete stop. Possible penalties for early withdrawal. Post office will not deliver without postage. Beverages labeled "Hot" may be hot. Postage will be paid by addressee. Prerecorded for this time zone. Please remain seated until we stop at the gate. Price does not include taxes. Processed at location stamped in code at top of carton. You have the right to remain silent. This is a “No Smoking” flight. Quantities are limited while supplies last. Read at your own risk. Record additional transactions on back of previous stub. Replace with same type. Reproduction strictly prohibited. Restaurant package, not for resale. Return to sender, no forwarding order on file, unable to forward. Ribbed for your pleasure. Please pick up after your pet. This site is protected by various provisions of Title 18, U.S. Code. Safety goggles may be required during use. Sanitized for your protection. Sealed for your protection, do not use if the safety seal is broken. If a copyright is indicated on a photo, graphic, or any other material, permission to copy these materials must be obtained from the original source. See label for sequence. Shading within a garment may occur. Sign here without admitting guilt. Simulated picture. For site security purposes and to ensure that this service remains available to all users, we employ software programs to monitor traffic to identify unauthorized attempts to upload or change information, or otherwise cause damage. In the event of authorized law enforcement investigations, and pursuant to any required legal process, information from these sources may be used to help identify an individual. Slightly enlarged to show detail. Slightly higher west of the Rockies. Slippery when wet. Smoking these may be hazardous to your health. Reference here to any specific commercial products, process, service, manufacturer, or company does not constitute its endorsement or recommendation by the US Government or HHS. Some assembly required. Do not send cash. Some equipment shown is optional. Some of the trademarks mentioned in this product appear for identification purposes only. Remove foil before insertion. Subject to FCC approval. You must be present to win. Subject to change without notice. Substantial penalty for early withdrawal, possible loss of consortium. Text may contain material some readers may find objectionable, parental guidance is advised. The information provided using this web site is only intended to be general summary information to the public. It is not intended to take the place of either the written law or regulations. Text used in these documents is made from 100% recycled electrons and magnetic particles. This is not an offer to sell securities. Not valid in Texas nor the United States. This offer is void where prohibited, taxed, or otherwise restricted. This product is meant for educational purposes only. Times approximate. Unix is a registered trademark of AT&T. Use only as directed. Use only in a well-ventilated area. User assumes full liabilities. Void where prohibited. We have sent the forms which seem right for you. You need not be present to win. Your canceled check is your receipt. Opinions expressed here (and perhaps elsewhere) are not necessarily those of the company nor the crew of the Mobius Triangle, nor of ship’s cat Thud, and may be, in fact, not valid otherwise, and to protect the innocence of said crew are thus not expressed here. Your mileage may vary. The refund check is in the mail.

That business out of the way, let's have at it!


TOPICS:
KEYWORDS: humor
Navigation: use the links below to view more comments.
first previous 1-2021-4041-6061-80 ... 341-351 next last
To: cripplecreek

ewwwwwwwwwwwwwww



Definition of Bravery:

True bravery is arriving home, stinking drunk,
after a very late night out with the boys, being met
at the door and assaulted with a broom by your wife,

. . and still having the guts to ask:

"Are you cleaning, or were you flying somewhere?"


41 posted on 03/11/2005 8:36:34 AM PST by backinthefold (Recently, Fat Cat has become a source of static electricity, it is quite shocking)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 30 | View Replies]

To: backinthefold

That ain't bravery.


42 posted on 03/11/2005 8:37:35 AM PST by cripplecreek (I'm apathetic but really don't care.)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 41 | View Replies]

To: ArGee

Jesus and the Democrat


A Republican in a wheelchair entered a restaurant one afternoon and asked the waitress for a cup of coffee. The Republican looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus sitting over there?" The waitress nodded "yes," so the Republican requested that she give Jesus a cup of coffee on him.

The next patron to come in was a Libertarian with a hunched back. He shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down, and asked the waitress for a cup of hot tea. He also glanced across the restaurant and asked, "Is that
Jesus over there?" The waitress nodded, so the Libertarian asked her to give Jesus a cup of hot tea, "My treat."

The third patron to come into the restaurant was a Democrat on crutches. He hobbled over to a booth, sat down and hollered, "Hey there, honey! How's about gettin' me a cold glass of Miller Light!" He, too, looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that God's boy over there?" The waitress once more nodded, so the Democrat directed her to give Jesus a cold glass of beer. "On my bill," he said.

As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the Republican, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Republican felt the strength come back into his legs, got up, and danced a jig out the door.

Jesus also passed by the Libertarian, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Libertarian felt his back straightening up, and he raised his hands, praised the Lord and did a series of back flips out the door.

Then Jesus walked towards the Democrat. The Democrat jumped up and yelled, "Don't touch me. I'm collecting disability.


43 posted on 03/11/2005 8:37:35 AM PST by peacebaby (Lithium isn't just for batteries.)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 34 | View Replies]

To: ArGee
Sources say Keith is now in gynecology school.

Sadly he is now suffering from tunnel vision. He considered switching to proctology but does not want to get behind in his studies.

I have a friend who was majoring in bio-engineering until his homework ate his dog.

44 posted on 03/11/2005 8:37:43 AM PST by pikachu (BE alert -- we need more lerts!)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 39 | View Replies]

To: backinthefold

There is a fine line between bravery & sheer stupidity!


45 posted on 03/11/2005 8:37:45 AM PST by Fierce Allegiance (“Every time a system is made foolproof - a new class of fool emerges.”)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 41 | View Replies]

To: ArGee
Sources say Keith is now in gynecology school.

Wait just one minute! Are you saying they have schools for that?

46 posted on 03/11/2005 8:39:05 AM PST by Petronski (If 'Judge' Greer can kill Terri, who will be next?)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 39 | View Replies]

To: Petronski

They also have colleges for pharmacology. Whod'a thunk, all these years doing both as an amateur.


47 posted on 03/11/2005 8:40:36 AM PST by Fierce Allegiance (“Every time a system is made foolproof - a new class of fool emerges.”)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 46 | View Replies]

To: peacebaby
Then Jesus walked towards the Democrat. The Democrat jumped up and yelled, "Don't touch me. I'm collecting disability.

Reminds me of a scene from - I think it was "The Life of Brian" where a guy comes up dancing and says, "Alms for a poor ex-leper." He goes on to explain that he has no job skills except begging and now that he's been healed he doesn't have any way to earn a living. He's mad at Jesus because he never asked to be healed and now doesn't know what to do with his life.

Cracked me up.

Shalom.

48 posted on 03/11/2005 8:41:36 AM PST by ArGee (Why do we let queers tell us what's normal?)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 43 | View Replies]

To: Fierce Allegiance


Dream Lover, where are you-u-u?

Oh, OK

49 posted on 03/11/2005 8:41:52 AM PST by OESY
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: cyborg; arasina; onyx; Happygal; Miss Behave; bd476

Must see #40. LOL


50 posted on 03/11/2005 8:41:53 AM PST by Petronski (If 'Judge' Greer can kill Terri, who will be next?)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 40 | View Replies]

To: Fierce Allegiance
  There is a fine line between bravery & sheer stupidity!
 
then hows this??
 
>>
>>Guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while
>>he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs
>>some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and
>>eats them, then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard
>>balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, somehow he
>>swallows it whole. The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what
>>Your monkey just did?"
>>
>>The guy says "No, what?"
>>
>>"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table-whole!"
>>
>>"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything
>>in sight, the little pig. Sorry. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."
>>He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate,
>>then leaves.
>>
>>Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He
>>orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While
>>the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on
>>the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.
>>Then the
>>monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his butt, pulls it out,
>>and eats it.
>>
>>The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?"
>>
>>He asks. "No, what?" replies the guy.
>>
>>"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled it
>>out, and ate it!" said the bartender
>>
>>" Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy.
>>"He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to pass that
>>cue ball, he measures everything first."
>>

51 posted on 03/11/2005 8:41:56 AM PST by backinthefold (Recently, Fat Cat has become a source of static electricity, it is quite shocking)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 45 | View Replies]

To: Fierce Allegiance

http://www.freerepublic.com/focus/f-chat/1360739/posts


52 posted on 03/11/2005 8:42:43 AM PST by Conspiracy Guy (Reading is fundamental. Comprehension is optional.)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 2 | View Replies]

To: pikachu

If my dog had eaten all the homework I said he did he would be passing fire logs.


53 posted on 03/11/2005 8:42:53 AM PST by Cowman
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 44 | View Replies]

To: Fierce Allegiance
I haven't seen any redneck jokes here so, here's a bunch from Jeff Foxworthy:

You might be a Redneck If...

1. More than one living relative is named after a southern civil war general.

2. Your front porch collapses and more than six dogs are killed.

3. You've ever used lard in bed.

4. Your home has more miles on it than your car.

5. You think that potted meat on a saltine is an hors d'ouerve.

6. There is a stuffed opposum anywhere in your house.

7. You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality entertainment.

8. Fewer than half of your cars run.

9. Your mother doesn't remove the Marlboro from her lips before telling the State Trooper to kiss her ass.

10. The primary color of your car is "bondo".

11. You honestly think that women are turned on by animal noises and seductive tongue gestures.

12. You stand under the misteletoe at Christmas and wait for Granny and cousin Sue-Ellen to walk by.

13. Your family tree doesn't fork.

14. Your hairdo has never been ruined by a ceiling fan.

15. Your mother has been involved in a fistfight at a high school sports event.

16. You've ever barbecued Spam on the grill.

17. The best way to keep things cold is to leave'em in the shade.

18. The neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights.

19. Your brother-in-law is your uncle.

20. You have refused to watch the Academy Awards since "Smokey and the Bandit" was snubbed for best picture.

21. Your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy size bottle of ketchup.

22. The rear tires on your car are at least twice as wide as the front ones.

23. You consider "Outdoor Life" deep reading.

24. You prominently display a gift you bought at Graceland.

25. You use the term `over yonder' more than once a month.

26. The diploma hanging in your den contains the words "Trucking Institute".

27. Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.

28. You've ever worn a tube top to a wedding.

29. Your favorite Christmas present, was a painting on black velvet.

30. You think that Dom Perignon is a mafia leader.

31. The most commonly heard phrase at your family reunion is "What the hell are you looking at, Sh*thead?"

32. You think that beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major food groups.

33. You think that Campho-Phenique is a miracle drug.

34. The first words out of your mouth every time you see friends are "Howdy!" or "HEY!" (If they respond with the same... they're a redneck too!)

35. You have more than two brothers named Bubba or Junior.

36. Your father encourages you to quit school because Larry has an opening on the lube rack.

37. You think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.

38. You think that the styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.

39. You've been too drunk to fish.

40. You had to remove a toothpick for wedding pictures.

41. You've ever used a weedeater indoors.

42. You have a rag for a gas cap (on a car that does run).

43. You look upon a family reunion as a chance to meet `Ms. Right'

44. You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.

45. If your richest relative invites you over to his new home to help him remove the wheels.

46. If you've ever financed a tattoo.

47. If your idea of a 7 course meal is a bucket of KFC and a sixpack.

48. You go to a tupperware party for a haircut.

49. You have spray painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass.

50. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.

51. Someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle.

52. Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare.

53. The directions to your house include "turn off the paved road".

54. Your dog and your wallet are both on chains.

54 posted on 03/11/2005 8:42:54 AM PST by Reaganesque
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: Fierce Allegiance
"Did somebody say "Action figure dolls?"


55 posted on 03/11/2005 8:43:06 AM PST by Radix (Lost: Decent Tag Line; Reward offered.)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: Fierce Allegiance
What's worse than that: I went to law school.




Uggg.

56 posted on 03/11/2005 8:44:10 AM PST by Petronski (If 'Judge' Greer can kill Terri, who will be next?)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 47 | View Replies]

To: martin_fierro

Now this is a silly thread: (THANKS FOR THE ishp PING!)

Man with two penises loses wife

http://www.freerepublic.com/focus/f-chat/1360739/posts


57 posted on 03/11/2005 8:44:19 AM PST by Fierce Allegiance (“Every time a system is made foolproof - a new class of fool emerges.”)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 10 | View Replies]

To: pikachu
I have a friend who was majoring in bio-engineering until his homework ate his dog.

I know that guy. His specially engineered grass has taken over our neighborhood. For the most part that's not bad because it's very green, only needs to be mowed once a year, and is naturally weed free. On the down side the check-points at the entrance to the neighborhood are getting to be a pain. Last night at midnight we had another raid to see if we were hiding any weed killer anywhere, and there are rumors it's been harassing the girls when they walk barefoot in the backyard.

Shalom.

58 posted on 03/11/2005 8:45:53 AM PST by ArGee (Why do we let queers tell us what's normal?)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 44 | View Replies]

To: Petronski

If you graduated law school, why do you still have to practice?


59 posted on 03/11/2005 8:47:03 AM PST by Fierce Allegiance (“Every time a system is made foolproof - a new class of fool emerges.”)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 56 | View Replies]

To: Petronski
Wait just one minute! Are you saying they have schools for that?

Yep they are Pubic Schools

60 posted on 03/11/2005 8:49:01 AM PST by colorcountry (All the people like us are we, and everyone else is They. ...Rudyard Kipling)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 46 | View Replies]


Navigation: use the links below to view more comments.
first previous 1-2021-4041-6061-80 ... 341-351 next last

Disclaimer: Opinions posted on Free Republic are those of the individual posters and do not necessarily represent the opinion of Free Republic or its management. All materials posted herein are protected by copyright law and the exemption for fair use of copyrighted works.

Free Republic
Browse · Search
General/Chat
Topics · Post Article

FreeRepublic, LLC, PO BOX 9771, FRESNO, CA 93794
FreeRepublic.com is powered by software copyright 2000-2008 John Robinson