Hello Eastbound...
Posted on 12/09/2004 10:47:58 AM PST by KentTrappedInLiberalSeattle
The Mandinka tribe of Gambia, Africa, adheres to a religious practice completely unique to its people -- they worship actress Salma Hayek's breasts!
While most primitive societies tend to pray to animal or ancestral spirits, or to stars and planets as the Mandinkans once did, that all changed in 1995.
Mandinkan farmer Danjuma Kianga remembers, through an interpreter, the moment it happened.
"As a special treat, Chief Tuamanguluka arranged for a movie to be shown here for the first time ever. The movie was Desperado, starring the blessed Salma Hayek as Carolina, a beautiful woman who works for the local drug lord."
When Hayek first appeared on screen, the Mandinkans were blown away by the sight of the 36C-25-37 actress. "Everyone gasped -- men, women, and children," recalls Kianga. "Salma was breathtakingly exquisite. She gave off a force, a light, an energy that came right through the screen and entered our very souls."
After that screening, all any of the Mandinkans could talk about was Salma Hayek -- her looks, her spirit, her energy.
In the years since, the tribe has arranged screenings of every one of her films including, From Dusk 'Til Dawn, Fools Rush In, Dogma, Wild Wild West, Traffic, Spy Kids: 3D, Once Upon a Time in Mexico, and, especially, Frida, which was nominated for six Oscars including best actress for Hayek.
The Mandinkans found themselves especially affected by the sight of Hayek's breasts, which are often on full display in her movies.
"Salma's chest globes are magnificent forces of nature," gushes Kianga. "They are large and firm and perfectly formed. Whenever they appear on screen, it is almost as though they are calling to us: 'We're here. We're here for you. Take power from us. Let us be your energy force. Close your eyes and let us engulf you.' "
Around their necks, the Mandinkans wear stone and wood amulets fashioned as miniature replicas of Hayek's awe-inspiring milk wagons. Before undertaking any strenuous or dangerous task, going on any hunting expedition or praying for anything, they lick Hayek's breasts one hundred times for luck.
One of the villages has even constructed a giant 37-foot high scale replica of Hayek's sweater puppets. The breasts themselves are formed of rare black obsidian stone, and the nipples are solid gold.
Villagers form a large circle around the statue, hold hands, and dance themselves into a frenzy while chanting the following:
Oh glorious funbags of Salma, Fertilize our fields, protect us, and bring us luck. Especially we ask for sexual potency from the Life-changing, awe-inspiring twin peaks of Salma. Suckle us with your magical orbs, Squeeze our faces between those luscious flesh mounds, Our strength, hope and joy derive from the wondrous bazongas of Hayek!
Gahiji Ngozi, a 22-year-old craftsman, speaks for the entire Mandinkan tribe when he says, "Worshipping Salma Hayek's breasts has added meaning, direction and wonder to my life."
OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
When Hayek first appeared on screen, the Mandinkans were blown away by the sight of the 36C-25-37 actress. "Everyone gasped -- men, women, and children," recalls Kianga. "Salma was breathtakingly exquisite. She gave off a force, a light, an energy that came right through the screen and entered our very souls."
>>>
African tribal lust ...
Not fair...
It's the only known religion whose bible comes with a centerfold. :)
I heard the 'pitched-tent' has made a huge comeback in parts of Africa...
hehehe
OK. I've got nothing to say. It's just important that I be a part of this thread.
"After the Sunset"
We welcome all who come to worship with us, brother. :)
Ya know, it's really difficult to concentrate on the more important threads with this kind of stuff surging through the forum. I'm just going to have to complain to the modulator after I have my milk and cookies. This thread should be nippled in the bud.
And it's the only bible that parents routinely find hidden under their 13 year old son's bed.
...please, no further - for St. Salma's sake...
The last time, this road led to a discussion of DNA deposits and the like.
Let's not soil St. Salma's thread...
LOL! I can't top that one. You win. :)
Disclaimer: Opinions posted on Free Republic are those of the individual posters and do not necessarily represent the opinion of Free Republic or its management. All materials posted herein are protected by copyright law and the exemption for fair use of copyrighted works.