Posted on 12/09/2004 10:47:58 AM PST by KentTrappedInLiberalSeattle
The Mandinka tribe of Gambia, Africa, adheres to a religious practice completely unique to its people -- they worship actress Salma Hayek's breasts!
While most primitive societies tend to pray to animal or ancestral spirits, or to stars and planets as the Mandinkans once did, that all changed in 1995.
Mandinkan farmer Danjuma Kianga remembers, through an interpreter, the moment it happened.
"As a special treat, Chief Tuamanguluka arranged for a movie to be shown here for the first time ever. The movie was Desperado, starring the blessed Salma Hayek as Carolina, a beautiful woman who works for the local drug lord."
When Hayek first appeared on screen, the Mandinkans were blown away by the sight of the 36C-25-37 actress. "Everyone gasped -- men, women, and children," recalls Kianga. "Salma was breathtakingly exquisite. She gave off a force, a light, an energy that came right through the screen and entered our very souls."
After that screening, all any of the Mandinkans could talk about was Salma Hayek -- her looks, her spirit, her energy.
In the years since, the tribe has arranged screenings of every one of her films including, From Dusk 'Til Dawn, Fools Rush In, Dogma, Wild Wild West, Traffic, Spy Kids: 3D, Once Upon a Time in Mexico, and, especially, Frida, which was nominated for six Oscars including best actress for Hayek.
The Mandinkans found themselves especially affected by the sight of Hayek's breasts, which are often on full display in her movies.
"Salma's chest globes are magnificent forces of nature," gushes Kianga. "They are large and firm and perfectly formed. Whenever they appear on screen, it is almost as though they are calling to us: 'We're here. We're here for you. Take power from us. Let us be your energy force. Close your eyes and let us engulf you.' "
Around their necks, the Mandinkans wear stone and wood amulets fashioned as miniature replicas of Hayek's awe-inspiring milk wagons. Before undertaking any strenuous or dangerous task, going on any hunting expedition or praying for anything, they lick Hayek's breasts one hundred times for luck.
One of the villages has even constructed a giant 37-foot high scale replica of Hayek's sweater puppets. The breasts themselves are formed of rare black obsidian stone, and the nipples are solid gold.
Villagers form a large circle around the statue, hold hands, and dance themselves into a frenzy while chanting the following:
Oh glorious funbags of Salma, Fertilize our fields, protect us, and bring us luck. Especially we ask for sexual potency from the Life-changing, awe-inspiring twin peaks of Salma. Suckle us with your magical orbs, Squeeze our faces between those luscious flesh mounds, Our strength, hope and joy derive from the wondrous bazongas of Hayek!
Gahiji Ngozi, a 22-year-old craftsman, speaks for the entire Mandinkan tribe when he says, "Worshipping Salma Hayek's breasts has added meaning, direction and wonder to my life."
Hmmm, makes sense to me. I say something stupid, some dumbasses get their feelings hurt, and the taxpayer gets nicked for $250,000 for five years of my upkeep? What a great law!!
(close sarcasm)
Frida sucked, but the restaraunt named after her up in Mill Creek is pretty good.
this is the first time I beat ya on a perv ping!
Well, let me know if I can help, and I'll be glad to tell you whether you feel like a freak or not ;0)
After seeing the movie, I saw a documentary about Frida Kahlo, and it was amazing how little artistic license the movie took with her life.
(Now, back to our regularly scheduled programming: Men on FreeRepublic in a Breast-Admiring Frenzy)
You just say whatever pops into your head, don'tcha? LOL
No. I'm actually quite subdued normally. I believe in "flying under the radar", being unobtrusive, and basically keeping a low profile.
Don't worry ....I am more than impressed!
(Do I get any borwnie points?)
LOL.
By the way, nice to hear from you. Long time no see (hear). Hope that you are doing alright over there .....where they chase innocent hawks from their abodes.
Doesn't it?
So9
LOL!
They are unusally advanced... The Africans.... Not the breasts...
Well... They are unusually advanced too.
The breast was back in 2003! Salma Hayek, Cathy Jones, Marcia Gay Harden, Halle Berry, Mira Sorvino, Julianne Moore and Tatum O’Neal all had `em. All showed `em. Diane Lane and Kathy Bates both got nominated for showing `em. Hid them away. The Jennifers (Ms. Lopez and Mrs. Garner) tried to turn flapjacks into tall stacks. Y’all want to bet that they schedule their first pregnancies around awards season to get some mileage out of their DVD extras?
Fascinating, so do I...
That should be enough to get one of them Beatified.
And what a perfect term it is.
SO9
I just have this recurring mental image of dozens upon dozens of young men, savagely knife-fighting one another over which one of them gets to sample the eucharist first... :)
ROTFLMAO
[composes self]
Ahem. Yes. Of course.
!?!!!????
Yes it's true :o)
It is rare to find a thread in which I am literally speechless. :-)
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