Skip to comments.Dan Ratherisms - Election 2004 (hillarious)
Posted on 11/05/2004 12:41:10 AM PST by Kaosinla
Sorry if this is a repost....I can't stop laughing
"Do you hear that knocking...President Bush's re-election is at the door."
"This race is hotter than the Devil's anvil."
"His lead is as thin as turnip soup."
"This race is humming along like Ray Charles."
"The presidential race is swinging like Count Basie."
"This race is hotter than a Times Square Rolex."
"Ohio becomes like a sauna for the two candidates. All they can do is wait and sweat."
"One's reminded of that old saying, 'Don't taunt the alligator until after you've crossed the creek.'"
"Bush is sweeping through the South like a big wheel through a cotton field."
"What Kerry needs at this point is the equivalent of Tom Brady coming off the bench to rescue him. But it's still too close to call."
"No question now that Kerry's rapidly reaching the point where he's got his back to the wall, his shirttails on fire and the bill collector's at the door."
"John Kerry needs something on the order of a 55 or 60-yard field goal to win this."
(To Joe Lockhart) "I know that you'd rather walk through a furnace in a gasoline suit than consider the possibility that John Kerry would lose Ohio."
(To Joe Lockhart) "What about Michigan? It's been out there for a long time. Is that making your fingernails sweat?"
"This presidential race has been crackling like a hickory fire for at least the last hour and a half."
"Let's see where it goes from here. Round and round it goes, where it stops nobody knows."
"We keep talking about Ohio if you've been tuning in and out or you put the baby to bed or you went to pop the cap on an adult, or otherwise, beverage..."
"We used to say if a frog had side pockets, he'd carry a handgun."
"No one is saying that George Bush is not going to win the election, and if you had to bet the double-wide, you'd have to bet that he'd win."
"In southern states they beat him like a rented mule."
"If you try to read the tea leaves before the cup is done you can get yourself burned."
"We need Billy Crystal to Analyze This"
"You know that old song, 'it's delightful, it's delicious, it's de-lovely' for President Bush in most areas of the country."
"We had a slight hitch in our giddy up, but we corrected that."
"In some ways, George Bush's lead is as thin as November ice."
"Put on a cup of coffee, this race isn't going to be over for a while."
"You look at the map and say it's all a big Bush victory. But this is one time when your Mother is right, looks can be deceiving."
"John Kerry's moon has just moved behind a cloud, as far as Florida is concerned."
On Kerry's chances: "To use a metaphor, he's gotta draw to an inside straight. But hey, sometimes you get lucky and hit that straight."
"Is it like a swan, with every feather above the water settled, but under the water paddling like crazy?"
"What you have here is the football equivalent of a fourth quarter rally by Kerry."
The election is "closer than Lassie and Timmy"
"Keep in mind they are teetotally meetmortally convinced they have Ohio won."
"Vice President Dick Cheney would not have flown all the way out there (Hawaii) overnight and put that lei around his neck and sort of hula-danced, if you will, unless he thought there was a chance of carrying that out there."
"President Bush smiling there with his family. He's laid down aces so far."
"You can almost hear the GOP (deep breathing sound). We're getting within maybe smelling distance."
"We don't know what to do. We don't know whether to wind a watch or bark at the moon."
On how the results are affecting strategists: "It's one reason so many of them drink a lot."
Sen. John McCain (R-AZ), on being congratulated on victory by Rather: "Thanks Dan, I always believe you." Rather: "Now, ladies and gentleman, if you believe that, you'll believe rocks can grow."
Jimmy Kimmel did a compilation tape of dan rather's strange election night behavior. My wife never watches the news and she couldn't believe what she was hearing.
They also played a tape of brit hume talking to mike wallace on Fox tuesday night. Brit apparently was annoyed at all the 'sounders' fox plays and started mimicing the sounds...it was pretty funny to see him do that.
Awesome. I spent the whole night at the victory party, but I had felt a loss at not listening to the media meltdown, and specifically the Ratherisms.
Rather is such a phony. We are told he is from a blue-collar family around Houston, but as another Texan, I don't know where the hell he got those "sayings" from unless he looked them up somewhere. He really tries too hard to be folksy, as if that's he's credibility.
Holding an election without being able to listen to an endless stream of entertaining gibberish uttered by Dan Rather is like reading an Anne Rice novel without running into a blood-sucking lesbian vampire.
Ha! What are we going to do when he retires? No one gives near the manic performance of Rather on campaign night.
Yeah, Rather was busy as a cat trying to bury crap on a marble floor to keep the Kerry crowd's morale up and convince them they weren't really losing the election!
I have to admit, those are pretty darn funny! The creatively amusing turn of phrase is probably the only vestige of the South (Texas) left in him.
"In southern states they beat him like a rented mule."
I've often used that phrase. That's a good one, or else "they beat him like a red-headed step-child".
During a drive-by of CBS on Election Night, I did actually hear him say the thing about the lead being thin as turnip soup. And he did say something about if you had to bet the rent money, you'd bet on Bush winning. It's not on this list; it's a variation of the comment about betting the double-wide. It's apparently well-known that he says this stuff on election nights.
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