Dick Cheney Secretly Approaches Theresa Heinz-Kerry About Iraqi Ketchup Deal

Broken Newz ^ | 10/18/04 | Robert Krupto

[pookie18]

Brokennewz has obtained documentation proving that the ultra-evil Vice President Dick Cheney and his minions as Halliburton Company (NYSE: SATAN) have entered into secret negotiations with Theresa Heinz-Kerry to grow ketchup-producing tomatoes in Iraq, should John Kerry be elected president. The documentation proves that Vice President Dick Cheney and his "former" company are bent upon world domination. The documentation was sent to Brokennewz though an Iraqi source who called himself Ahmad al-Huntz, who works for the Ministry of Iraqi Tomatoes. He claims his motive for exposing the deal is to have, "a fair and equal division of Iraqi tomato fields among the major ketchup competitors, not just Heinz and Halliburton."

Following is an email from VP Cheney to Theresa Heinz-Kerry:

From: vpotus@whitehouse.com

To: sexycheekylady@hotmail.com

Dear Theresa:

Ok, you were right, W did suck in the debates. Since you won the bet, I'll destroy those photos of you and Pavarotti.

So I've had my people look into the feasibility of growing tomatoes in Iraq, and it turns out the climate there is perfect! It won't be hard to covert the oil rigs into giant food processors, and we can use the existing oil pipelines to pump the red stuff to the seaports (I can't wait to see the face of the first a-rab who tries to blow up that pipeline!). That way we can just pump the stuff out and keep all the money! And them dumb Iraqis won't see a penny! Mu ha ha ha ha ha!

I've got some friends over at McDonalds working on a way to push the ketchup more (we took care of that guy who made the "Super Size Me" movie), and, if all goes according to plan, most of China should be addicted to the stuff by the end of the month. Michael Moore might be catching on, so perhaps you can use your food connections to get him off our back.

So everything is set on my end. If W loses - and if you keep running your mouth that might not happen! - I assume you'll have everything set on your end after the inauguration. Just tell John that polls say Iraqi ketchup is important, and he'll stop asking questions.

Yours in world domination,

Dick Cheney

[dansangel]

Those e-e-e-e-e-e-e-vil Republicans!

:-)

((((((pookie)))))))))

[talleyman]

Floor On Laughing Off My A$$ Rolling! (Babelpost decoder rev 4.10.11)
[Music:] "Return... of the Killer Tomatoes...."

[Joe 6-pack]

I'll bet Tuhreeza says, "toe-mot-oh."

[JustaCowgirl]

The Cheney Chicks need to intercept this message, and send one back to the VP with an alternative plan, don't you think?

[pookie18]

I'll bet Tuhreeza says, "toe-mot-oh."

Let's call the whole thing off...

[jrewingjr]

(NYSE: SATAN)

That part alone is hilarious, just slipped in like that. "Layers" of humor, I call that. Good stuff.

[Lynnie222]

heinz ping