Mingus Will Urge Cat Events at Future Olympics, but Beijing 2008 Gives Her Paws
ON THE FRONT STEPS, SOMEWHERE IN TEXAS—With the 28th Olympic Games set to reach their finale on Sunday with a closing ceremony in Athens, Mingus the Cat today expressed disappointment and concern over the lack of certain important cat competitions during the 2-week event. The opinionated feline vowed to urge the Olympic Committee to include these events in future Olympiads, although she was not planning on attending the Beijing 2008 Olympics and urged other cats to stay home in 2008 as well.
“This was my first Olympics, and when I heard they would be an international competition, in my mind I pictured competition between the Siamese; American Shorthairs; Australian Mists; Bombays; British Shorthairs; Egyptian Maus, Persians, Russian Blues, Persians and others!”
Mingus, right, who longs to compete in the Olympics, will nonetheless refrain from attending the 2008 Olympics in Beijing.
“I think I speak for the international cat community on this issue, and I demand satisfaction,” said Mingus, noting that at one point, she saw her humans inexplicably watching an event that consisted of lithe, flexible contestants frolicking about with balls and ribbons on sticks.
Mingus is perplexed as to why Rhythmic Gymnastics, right, is a sactioned Olympic Competition, when her own frolicking and batting about of ribbons and other objects usually just draws scolding at worst or condescending admiration at best.
“If whatever that event was can be called a ‘sporting event’ and included in the Olympics, then that sounds like something I do just for fun, and cats should have been included,” she said, noting that she was still perplexed as to why her humans were dedicating precious TV viewing time to watching the event when they either ignore or scold her for frolicking about with various objects.
Mingus’ list of recommended events for the 2008 Olympics includes:
- Power Napping (listening ability even while sleeping)
- Leg Stretching (flexibility)
- Butt Licking (form and effectiveness)
- Upholstery Unraveling (efficiency and persistence)
- Hairball Regurgitating (distance, form and inappropriateness of placement)
- Shelf Climbing (speed, persistence, height and dismount)
- Vermin Hunting and Retrieval (size, type and inappropriateness of placement)
- Mockingbird Dodging (form, evasiveness and persistence)
- Tree Climbing (speed, height, weight-to-limb-strength calculation and dismount)
- Back Arching/Tail Puffing (form and height)
- Ambush and Pounce (size of prey, form and effectiveness)
- Pupil Dilating (intimidation factor)
- Squirming & Evasion (form, time, and degree of scratches to human)
But, Mingus added, “While I hope the International Olympic Committee will seriously consider these events for 2012, I do not plan on going to Beijing in 2008, nor do I recommend that any cats do so. After all, I want cats to compete in the Cat Walk, not the Cat Wok!”