Posted on 08/28/2004 3:52:46 PM PDT by Libloather
Bad motorists are driving me crazy
How do you rate yourself as a driver? No, that's a stupid question. You rate yourself above average. It's a well-known fact that all humans consider themselves to be above-average drivers, including Amazonian mud people who have not discovered the wheel.
No amount of physical evidence will convince a bad driver that he or she is a bad driver. You take a motorist who, while attempting to pull out of a parking space, mistakes "forward" for "reverse," then, in an effort to correct this error, mistakes the accelerator for the brake and sends his car (an Oldsmobile Cutlass Supreme) lunging across a sidewalk and into a restaurant, attaining a speed of 37 miles per hour by the time it rams the salad bar and is engulfed by a wave of the house dressing (a creamy Italian). Even as the paramedics are tweezing chickpeas from the ears of this motorist, he will loudly insist that (a) the restaurant was not there before; and (b) there are PLENTY of people on the road who do not drive as well as he does.
And the scary thing is: He's right! There are LOTS of worse drivers out there! A whopping 93% of all drivers are below average. And if you believe this is statistically impossible, you have not spent much time watching motorists whopping around on our nation's highways.
Certainly you have never driven in my state, Florida, which automatically issues a driver's license to every new arrival, including stranded whales. We have so many motorists driving into buildings that in some areas you're safer standing in the middle of the street.
But getting back to your driving ability: I can tell from the perceptive way you're reading this article that you truly are above average. So am I, of course. I took Driver's Education at Pleasantville (N.Y.) High School; we did our training in a 1962 Plymouth Inertia, creeping around greater Pleasantville at minus 2 miles per hour, signaling our turns and always maintaining a Safe Following Distance. This class taught me many important driving lessons, the main one being that if you find yourself stuck behind a driver's-ed car, you MUST get past it, no matter how many innocent lives you endanger.
Anyway, since you and I are superior drivers, I wanted to share with you an idea that was sent to me by Florida motorist Damara Hutchins, who is also above average. She begins by noting the annoying behavior of certain motorists, especially the ones who drift along in the left, or passing, lane, mile after clueless mile, never passing anybody and never noticing the line of motorists behind them flashing their lights, honking their horns, making explicit hand gestures, firing marine flares, etc.
So here is Damara Hutchins' idea: powerful bumper-mounted sucker-dart guns. You would shoot these at other motorists when they did something stupid. Ideally, you could fire several different colors of darts, to indicate the type of infraction. This would be a big help to the police, who could use the darts as evidence:
OFFICER: Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?
MOTORIST: No, why?
OFFICER: I count 17 red darts on your rear bumper, which means you've been blocking the left lane.
MOTORIST: But I'm going the speed limit!
OFFICER (sighing): Sir, we only pretend that's the speed limit. In good weather and light traffic, the real speed limit is about 10 miles per hour faster, which is the speed 80% of the other drivers are going. If you don't want to go that fast, you need to get over, okay? Also, I count five yellow darts, indicating you swerved between lanes while dialing your cell phone; and one brown dart you got for driving a Pontiac Aztek, a vehicle ugly enough to cause retina damage.
MOTORIST: Will I get a ticket?
OFFICER: I'm giving you a warning on those infractions, sir. But I have to cite you for the green dart.
MOTORIST: What's that for?
OFFICER: Flagrant nosepicking.
Of course only good drivers would be allowed to participate in the car-dart program; otherwise, we'd wind up with darts all over pedestrians, salad bars, etc. But assuming we can work out the details, I think this is a terrific idea. If you agree, get out of my way.
Originally published on August 28, 2004
My pet peeves are the people who cut in front of me real close when I'm hauling my horse trailer. Doesn't anyone realize a horse trailer can't be stopped on a dime? Mostly makes me feel bad becasue of the poor horse in the trailer getting slammed around.
Becky
Yep and an ear piercing horn that goes off in the drivers ear if they get within a certain distance of another vehicle at a certain speed.
I can't stand to be tailgated or have someone come back over in front of me in too short a distance. I have a few interesting things I do in the worst cases. I will not share them here. I don't want to start a new trend.
It happens to me a lot..
Oh, go ahead and let us know. We won't spill your secrets. :)
It is pretty mean spirited without being too dangerous. You know the guy who drives right up on your butt in the right lane then swerves into the left to pass on a 4 lane road? He hates me. That is all I'll say, about him or tailgaters. I do not tap the brakes on either by the way, because that is stupid. ; )
Oh... that trick. I think I'm on base with you here.
Don't spread the word.
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