How To Throw An Altruistic Birthday Party

A birthday party is a great time to start educating your child about the importance of self sacrifice. After all, a birthday party is a selfish occasion. What in God's name does pin the tail on the donkey teach you about giving up everything that's important to you?

As adults, we've learned that eating cake, receiving presents, and playing party games doesn't do squat for the needy or less fortunate of the world. But with all those children alone at your house, what could be a better opportunity to start your child and your child's friends on the road to maturity?

Grab your party hats everyone - it's time for an altruist-themed birthday party!

Nothing starts an altruist birthday party better than giving out good, old fashioned party favor bags. Fill each bag with photos of the corpses of children who weren't fortunate enough to live as long as your child. Ask the children to draw party hats on the corpses' heads. When they're finished, place the photos on the floor, and have the children gather in a circle around the photos while holding hands, swinging from side to side, and singing a prayer in remembrance of all the children who died just so your child could have the party.

In addition to photos of dead children, you might also want to stuff the party favor bag with stale bread, rice, and miniature cardboard tombstones. Your child's friends will love the chance to experience how children in other countries celebrate their birthdays. This is also a good time to segue into a group-baking of the family pet.

Children just love to break open a piñata and race to gather up as much candy as they can. And who wouldn't!

That's why this is a great opportunity to teach children about the importance of self sacrifice. Initially, you should present the piñata in the traditional way, in which children take turns getting blindfolded and swatting at the piñata with a stick. But here's where you can add an exciting twist. Once the piñata has broken and the children have taken all the candy, force them to give up their candy to the child who was able to grab the least amount for him or herself. Explain the principle "from each according to his ability, to each according to his need". If the child who receives all the candy feels awkward, explain that he or she deserves the candy just for being slower, more pathetic, and less competent than the other children. Wink at the child and whisper "you can get a lot of free stuff this way when you get older!"

As an alternative, single out the one child who grabbed the most candy, blindfold him or her, and make the child hold the candy while standing up. Then let the other children beat the child with sticks and bats while screaming "you greedy pig" until the child drops all the candy and/or runs away crying.

Let your child unwrap the presents. (Be careful not to let anyone in on the surprise until after all the presents are opened!) Then with the other children's help, ask your child to arrange the opened presents in order, from least expensive to most expensive. Ask the children to discuss what it means to be generous, and ask them to compare and contrast the most generous child with the least generous. Take out a chalkboard, and have the children make a list of at least ten things it must say about someone for a child to be so cheap.

Next, ask your child to pick out his three favorite presents. For the next thirty minutes or so, have the children decorate a box that can be used to ship those presents to the Salvation Army or the Red Cross. For every tear your child cries, tell him that his piece of birthday cake will be that much smaller.

What's a birthday party without cake and ice cream! You have many choices for tailoring this portion of the party to your altruist theme. One possibility might be to serve the cake, then tell all the children that if they eat their piece, they'll never be invited to another one of your child's parties again. (This is very effective because only the best of your child's friends will be deprived of cake!) This activity teaches restraint, repression, and the overall stifling of one's desires.

Another idea might be to purchase a big ice cream cake, and keep it under glass in the middle of the table. Let the children know that you'll be donating the cake to charity. (Of course, just because you have no intention of serving the cake doesn't mean you can't set the table with a birthday tablecloth.) Cake time is the right time to have a moment of silence for the less fortunate children of the world.

As the children's parents begin to arrive, tell the children approximately how many other children in the world have died due to disease, malnutrition, starvation, and violence just during the course of the birthday party. Tell the children that if they had spent just a few minutes helping some of those unfortunate children instead of wasting time at this party, they might have actually saved one or two of them from a horrible death.

Emphasize that the children were much too selfish to care about anyone but themselves, and that they can never be forgiven for wasting such precious moments at a silly birthday party. Because, after all, those moments are gone, and so are the children whose deaths they personally contributed to.

Kitty Litter Altruistic Birthday Cake:

1 spice or German chocolate cake mix
1 white cake mix
2 large pkg vanilla instant pudding mix, prepared (I like Bird's® dessert mix)
1 large pkg vanilla sandwich cookies
green food coloring
12 small Tootsie Rolls®
1 new kitty litter pan
1 newplastic kitty litter pan liner
1 newpooper scooper

Prepare cake mixes and bake according to directions (any size pans).

Prepare pudding mix and chill until ready to assemble.

Crumble white sandwich cookies in small batches in food processor, scraping often. Set aside all but about 1/4 cup. To the 1/4 cup cookie crumbs, add a few drops green food coloring and mix until completely colored.

When cakes are cooled to room temperature, crumble into a large bowl. Toss with half the remaining white cookie crumbs and the chilled pudding. Important: mix in just enough of the pudding to moisten it. You don't want it too soggy. Combine gently.

Line a new, clean kitty litter box. Put the cake/pudding/cookie mixture into the litter box.

Put three unwrapped Tootsie rolls in a microwave safe dish and heat until soft and pliable. Shape ends so they are no longer blunt, curving slightly. Repeat with 3 more Tootsie rolls bury them in the mixture. Sprinkle the other half of cookie crumbs over top. Scatter the green cookie crumbs lightly on top of everything -- this is supposed to look like the chlorophyll in kitty litter.

Heat 3 Tootsie Rolls in the microwave until almost melted. Scrape them on top of the cake; sprinkle with cookie crumbs. Spread remaining Tootsie Rolls over the top; take one and heat until pliable, hang it over the side of the kitty litter box, sprinkling it lightly with cookie crumbs. Place the box on a newspaper and sprinkle a few of the cookie crumbs around for a truly disgusting effect!

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