Posted on 06/16/2004 7:00:07 PM PDT by Military family member
"Childrens Handbook"
For those with No children - this is totally hysterical! For those who already have children past this age - this is hilarious.
For those who have children this age - this is not funny. For those who have children nearing this age -this is a warning. For those who have not yet had children - this is birth control.
The following came from an anonymous Mother in Austin, Texas:
Things I've learn ed from my Children (honest & no kidding):
1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.
2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
3. A 3-year old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42-pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.
5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
6. The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh," it's already too late. (No matter how old the child!)
8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
9. A six-year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year-old man says they can only do it in the movies.
10. Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old.
11. Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence
12. Super glue is forever.
13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
15. VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV comm ercials show they do.
16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes. 17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
18. You probably do not want to know what that odor is.
19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on.. Plastic toys do not like ovens.
20. The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time.
21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.
22. It will, however, make cats dizzy. 23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
24. The mind of a 6-year old is wonderful. First grade...true story: One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home. She read, "..And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said,
"Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'"
The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that man said?"
One little boy raised his hand and said, "I think he said...'Holy shit! A talking pig!'"
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.
25. 60% of men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.
ROTFLMAO!!!
I really need this laugh after the goings-on at the Michigan forum!
That is a very good one!!!!!!!!!
Today's the last day of school...she'll be home in an hour..........so I'm getting my last full morning of FReeping in while I can!!!!
RE: #25, what does happen when you mix Clorox and brake fluid?
Two 5 yo boys, a cigarette lighter and Easter grass in the back of a station wagon are not a good combination.
My favorite is having the exact response time for the Austin Fire Department
24. The mind of a 6-year old is wonderful. First grade...true story: One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home. She read, "..And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said,
"Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'"
The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that man said?"
One little boy raised his hand and said, "I think he said...'Holy shit! A talking pig!'"
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.
LOL!
Over here martin...kid humor.
Today at my house we learned that if you have a well, as we do, it's not ok to water the plants for three hours!!! She walked away from the hose and just forgot.Have you ever been so mad you couldn't even yell at your kids? I just told her to go do a writing assignment. She chose to make a list of the disgusting foods I make...not getting on my good side! Then I read the two year old a story, she is obsessed with the human body book, and she says to me "When Abby gets older she have a brain ..When Mommy gets older she have a brain too" Today, I have no water, cooking skills or brains!!! God grant me the serenity...
Today at my house we learned that if you have a well, as we do, it's not ok to water the plants for three hours!!! She walked away from the hose and just forgot.Have you ever been so mad you couldn't even yell at your kids? I just told her to go do a writing assignment. She chose to make a list of the disgusting foods I make...not getting on my good side! Then I read the two year old a story, she is obsessed with the human body book, and she says to me "When Abby gets older she have a brain ..When Mommy gets older she have a brain too" Today, I have no water, cooking skills or brains!!! God grant me the serenity...
Hang on a sec, I'll go check...
Kidding, of course. Probably the same thing that happens when you put mothballs into a container of gasoline. A favorite of ours growing up.
We discovered several things about my little girl that trip.
She knew how to unfasten both her care seat and the seat holding it in place. I found this out at 3 a.m. in upstate New York, when my daughter climbed into my lap (all theother adults were asleep) and said "Hi Daddy!"
We ended up buying a package of Zip ties and using those to fasten everything together.
We stopped at a restaurant, which happened to have two wide screen TVs along the back wall, and my darling daughter, decided her plate was just like the ball the soccer players on the screen were kickingaround. She launched the plate, which hit the floor with a resoounding crash. When the waitress came up to seewhat had happen, m little darling pointed to me and said "Daddy did!" When the poor woman was fished cleaning up the mess (as I cleaned up my daughter), Audrae turned and added, "thank you."
Just today my two-year old fed part of his pb&j sandwich to the dog's...coat. Missed her mouth by half her length.
TEARS OF LAUGHTER!
THANKS.
TO MY EMAIL LIST IT GOES!
Sounds like me on my best days! Sometimes I have to wonder just how the breath gets up from the lungs and out of the mouth.
ROTFLMAO! They just don't make furniture the way they used to!
I'm often comforted by the knowledge that we have a firehouse just five blocks away!
Duct tape...don't leave home without it!!!
I'm laughing too hard to type!!!!!!!!
Your daughter sounds like mine! She'll be 6 next month.
I no longer have a working police scanner because she likes to "fix" things..............fortunately hubby caught her and removed the screwdriver before she "fixed" the TV.
Well, does it work?
Oh yeah...
Clorox under your tires also works.
Disclaimer: Opinions posted on Free Republic are those of the individual posters and do not necessarily represent the opinion of Free Republic or its management. All materials posted herein are protected by copyright law and the exemption for fair use of copyrighted works.