Posted on 06/07/2004 7:43:41 AM PDT by BigWaveBetty
The History of Liberals and Conservatives
The division of the human family into its two distinct branches occurred some 10,000 years ago, a few hundred years after the flood ... Humans coexisted as members of small bands of nomadic hunter/gatherers.
In the pivotal event of societal evolution, beer was invented. This epochal innovation was both the foundation of modern civilization and the occasion of the great bifurcation of humanity into its two distinct subgroups:
Liberals and Conservatives.
Once beer was discovered, it required grain, and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle or aluminum can had yet been invented, so it was necessary to stick pretty close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.
Some men spent their days killing animals to barbecue at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of the conservative movement.
Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting, learned how to live off conservatives by showing up for the BBQs every night and doing women's work like sewing, fetching and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the liberal movement. Later, some of the liberals actually became women.
Liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, invention of group therapy and democratic voting to see how to divide the beer and meat that the conservatives provided. Women were not interested in democracy at that time because most of them were still women back then, and the conservatives fed them.
Conservatives are symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.
Modern Liberals like imported beer (they add lime), but most prefer white wine or foreign water in a bottle. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and french food are on liberal menus. Their women have more testosterone than the men. Liberals like deviant sex and want others to like it too. Their first successful city governments were Sodom and Gomorrah.
Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, and group therapists are Liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule in baseball because it wasn't "fair" to make the pitcher also bat.
Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat, and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumber jacks, construction workers, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, soldiers, athletes, and generally anyone who works productively outside government. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.
Liberals do not produce anything. They like to "govern" the producers and decide what is to be done with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals just stayed in Europe when conservatives were coming to America.
Conservatives have principles, believe in a Creator, and the rule of law. They practice charity and give to the poor, normally through their churches. When in doubt on an issue, they check both the Bible and the Constitution, which they use as a constant reference in a changing world. They believe in the concept of truth.
Liberals do not have principles, except for their dedication to stealing production of conservatives and undermining principled references such as the Bible and Constitution. They are never in doubt on an issue because they always do whatever is best for them without regard to others. They have no standard of reference. Liberals do not give to charity. They cultivate the poor like a cat cultivates a field of mice. They use the poor as voters and give them a portion of stolen tax money which they vote away from conservatives.
Conservatives believe in self defense, both at home and abroad. They own guns and use them to discourage liberals and other common criminals. They provide guns to the armed forces to discourage foreign liberals and other foreign criminals.
Liberals do not believe in conservative self defense They disarm conservatives, and then attack them with impunity by liberal armies with guns. King George, Hitler and Stalin were all liberals who abandoned the rule of Law, had no principles except their own self indulgence, and attempted to tax and govern conservatives. Liberals believe in BIG government They think the United Nations is the ultimate answer.
Conservatives believe in the rule of law and when sitting on juries, convict common criminals and acquit fellow conservatives who have been charged by liberals. When serving in the armed forces, they shoot liberals from other countries who want to govern our country. Conservatives know the difference between a common-sense law and a bone-headed statute passed by some liberal from Massachusetts. When sitting on juries, they do not enforce bone-headed statutes, and don't explain their reasons.
Liberals only believe in whatever laws are appealing to them, such as the privilege of making a living by taxing conservatives. When sitting on juries, liberals convict producers and acquit liberals and other common criminals. Modern Judges are all liberals as they do not produce anything except chaos, and are paid with confiscated tax money. They consider it against the law to reference any source of law such as the Bible or Constitution. Like other liberals, they just make it up as they go and do what is best for them. Judge Roy Bean is their model.
The American cowboy, of course, is your basic, full-bore Conservative. A hundred years ago, an Englishman visiting Texas was attempting to find the owner of a huge cattle ranch. He rode up to one of the ranch hands, and inquired, "Pardon me, but could you perhaps tell me where I might locate your master?" To which the cowboy replied, "That sumbitch ain't been born yet".
So, what'll it be? Wine or Beer? Domestic or Imported?
Good morning, little fella! (Hi to you, too, JL).
"Morale has now sunk to its lowest level since 9/11," says one feather-bedding source. The spy blames the decision on "a liberal staffer whom many believe is trying to snub the former president."
In a fit of patriotic fervor, many staffers planned to show their disgust by refusing to lend a hand in the mission's long-scheduled move over the weekend to an office building a few blocks away. (Page Six)
He is just precious!
almost as cute as my gc! ;>)
Sam Donaldson told the hair and makeup people his toupee needed extra reinforcement. He heard there were 45mph wind gusts on the roof. Cokie Roberts' assistant, schlepping a purple box of Stuart Weitzman shoes plus garment bag, asked where Cokie could change and was politely directed to a stairwell.
Nancy's attention to detail included — that day when Reagan's body was moved to the mortuary — her black coat modeled after what the Duchess of Windsor wore to the Duke's farewell. She even planned the menu for the Air Force One trip home.
At the Reagan Library John Kerry's advancers put in place a banana and a bag of Chitos, with: "It's what he likes to eat." When Kerry didn't snack, a Nancy staffer said: "One of us should take it. It could turn out to be presidential memorabilia."
Here is the zinger to end all zingers from New York Times columnist Maureen Dowd on the manner of George W. Bush in regard to Reagan's death:
"Finally, there's a flag-draped coffin and military funeral that President Bush wants us to see."
Heheh...maybe, just maybe, one of these days you and I will take the time to learn how do the digital camera thing - ya think?
I want to know how Nancy's staffer plans to store a rotting banana. With the amount of preservatives in the Cheetos, they should last forever. :) Keeping snacks from a failed Presidential candidate seems a waste of time to me.
Maybe someday he will cross paths with a younger lady named Coco...Courtney Cox has a baby girl
So J. Effin's handlers would have us believe he's such a average guy, just another Joe Six-Pack, he snarfs Cheetos (and the previously-mentioned PBJs). Right. Maybe that was the dinner Teresa was home fixing in Fox Chapel while JFK pedaled around North Park on his $6,000 bike.
Or perhaps she was home microwaving one of the fine foods from Heinz-held Budget Gourmet, John strikes me as a mac&cheese guy.;)
We're all fairly geeked about the newest addition to our little clan - so far, so good.
From Martin Weiss' newsletter:
When former President Reagan was first diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease, he released a poignant, handwritten letter announcing that he was embarking on "the journey that will lead me into the sunset of my life."
He said "I intend to live the remainder of the years God gives me on this Earth doing the things I have always done."
And for a while, he did just that. But not for long — as time ticked by, he sank into a sad decline.
This past Friday, AP writers Michael R. Blood and John Rogers recounted the memories of friends and family who witnessed it:
In the early years of the disease, said one, he would start to tell a joke, would get halfway through it, and then just couldn't finish it.
His doctors encouraged him to exercise, but when he was on the golf course, he gradually grew disoriented, even as he kept on smiling. They'd get the ball teed up for him, going to the green, but sometimes he didn't know which direction the hole was. His fellow players all loved him so much, they didn't mind.
Until a few years ago, Nancy Reagan often tried to surround him with familiar faces in the hope of reviving some remembrances. However, one former White House adviser who went to meet him said, "he just sat there."
Then as the visit was ending, the adviser stood next to the president by his desk, while the president pointed to a picture of his mother, saying "That's my mother."
"Well Mr. President," the adviser responded, "we're involved in this campaign now, and we're just going to win one more for the Gipper."
Reagan's eyes brightened up momentarily and he uttered just two words: "All right." It was a momentary remnant of a distant memory.
In 1999, Reagan's biographer reported he was still strong enough to rake leaves from the family pool. He would do it for hours, oblivious to the fact that the leaves were being thrown back into the pool behind him by his Secret Service men.
In a March 2001 interview with Larry King, Nancy Reagan said she no longer allowed visitors to see her husband — and even she could not reach him any more. "I think Ronnie would want people to remember him as he was," she said.
Finally, not long ago, a former Secret Service agent recalled Reagan's childlike joy when a Labrador retriever took a dunk in the pool, then shook the water off. "It splashed all over the president, and he laughed and laughed," the agent said. "That was the last time I saw him laugh."
I wonder if Hillary wasn't watching Nancy and all the coverage and thinking how much political advantage she would get if she were the grieving widow. Maybe this is why Bill hasn't submitted any funeral plans? Hey, Bill, watch your back!
Interesting thought. I kept thinking Hill was taking notes so they could "One Up" all previous Presidents.
But you might be on to something, Mae. I doubt she would give a second thought to 'dusting him off' if she could play the grieving widow and gain lots of support in doing so.
We'll know for she if she lays her head on his casket.
The artist is to be congratulated on capturing the true essence of the former President.
A little nugget. Did you know...
....that NPR's "All Things Considered" covered Ronald Reagan's funeral from the FDR monument?
Isn't that hillarious?! It strikes me that libs are sooooo juvenile.
I was sure one or the other, Blubba or the Hildebeaste, was trying to figure out how they could top the Reagan events, though it was hard to tell, given their sleepy, squinty, baggy, beady little eyes. They're an unscrutable duo, aren't they? All we can be sure of is that they're up to no good, but what, exactly? What, indeed ...
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