Songs so bad they're on a list all their own

Houston Chronicle ^ | April 20, 2004, 4:05PM | CLIFFORD PUGH

[Houmatt]

We're a nation of lists. Best dressed. Worst dressed. Fattest cities. Fittest cities. Hottest couples. Baddest break-ups. The greatest and worst movies, television shows, videos, DVDs and albums of all time.

Heck, VH1 has even compiled the "top 9 Jen's." Aniston, Lopez and Garner lead the list (guess they couldn't locate a 10th).

But no one has compiled the 50 worst songs ever -- until now.

Blender, a heretofore little-known music magazine, has garnered a boatload of attention this week with its list of really bad rock-era tunes. According to an advance copy of the article, which is in the May issue (on newsstands April 27), the selected songs have "crap-tastic" melodies, were wretchedly performed or make no sense whatsoever.

Or perhaps they simply evoked bad memories for the magazine's editors.

Who could truly despise the No. 1 song on their list -- Starship's We Built This City -- or No. 33, Aqua's Barbie Girl ("I'm a barbie girl, in a barbie world. Life in plastic, it's fantastic!")?

OK, so maybe Vanilla Ice's Ice Ice Baby, the Stevie Wonder/Paul McCartney duet Ebony and Ivory, Ricky Martin's She Bangs and Celine Dion's love theme from Titanic, My Heart Will Go On, deserve their rankings (Nos. 5, 10, 39 and 50, respectively).

But it's hard to take a list seriously that includes Simon & Garfunkel's Sounds of Silence (No. 42), REM's Shiny Happy People (No. 35) and the Beatles' Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da (No. 48) -- but excludes the Macarena.

And what, no Barry Manilow?

Check out the full list and see if you agree with any of the choices.

And if you're really a glutton for punishment, tune in on May 12 to hear the VH1 special, The 50 Most Awesomely Bad Songs Ever.

Blender Magazine's list of the 50 Worst Songs Ever:

1. We Built This City ... Starship ... 1985

2. Achy Breaky Heart ... Billy Ray Cyrus ... 1992

3. Everybody Have Fun Tonight ... Wang Chung ... 1986

4. Rollin' ... Limp Bizkit ... 2000

5. Ice Ice Baby ... Vanilla Ice ... 1990

6. The Heart of Rock & Roll ... Huey Lewis and the News ... 1984

7. Don't Worry, Be Happy ... Bobby McFerrin ... 1988

8. Party All the Time ... Eddie Murphy ... 1985

9. American Life ... Madonna ... 2003

10. Ebony and Ivory ... Paul McCartney, Stevie Wonder ... 1982

11. Invisible ... Clay Aiken ... 2003

12. Kokomo ... The Beach Boys ... 1988

13. Illegal Alien ... Genesis ... 1983

14. From a Distance ... Bette Midler ... 1990

15. I'll Be There for You ... The Rembrandts ... 1995

16. What's Up? ... 4 Non Blondes ... 1993

17. Pumps and a Bump ... Hammer ... 1994

18. You're the Inspiration ... Chicago ... 1984

19. Broken Wings ... Mr. Mister ... 1985

20. Dancing on the Ceiling ... Lionel Richie ... 1986

21. Two Princes ... Spin Doctors ... 1992

22. Courtesy of the Red, White and Blue (The Angry American) ... Toby Keith ... 2002

23. Sunglasses at Night ... Corey Hart ... 1984

24. Five for Fighting ... Superman ... 2000

25. I'll Be Missing You ... Puff Daddy featuring Faith Evans and 112 ... 1997

26. The End ... The Doors ... 1967

27. The Final Countdown ... Europe ... 1987

28. Your Body Is a Wonderland ... John Mayer ... 2001

29. Breakfast at Tiffany's ... Deep Blue Something ... 1995

30. Greatest Love of All ... Whitney Houston ... 1986

31. Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm ... Crash Test Dummies ... 1994

32. Will 2K ... Will Smith ... 1999

33. Barbie Girl ... Aqua ... 1997

34. Longer ... Dan Fogelberg ... 1979

35. Shiny Happy People ... R.E.M. ... 1991

36. Make Em Say Uhh! ... Master P featuring Silkk, Fiend, Mia-X and Mystikal ... 1998

37. Rico Suave ... Gerardo ... 1991

38. Cotton Eyed Joe ... Rednex ... 1995

39. She Bangs ... Ricky Martin ... 2000

40. I Wanna Sex You Up ... Color Me Badd ... 1991

41. We Didn't Start the Fire ... Billy Joel ... 1989

42. The Sounds of Silence ... Simon & Garfunkel ... 1965

43. Follow Me ... Uncle Kracker ... 2000

44. I'll Do Anything for Love (But I Won't Do That) ... Meat Loaf ... 1993

45. Mesmerize ... Ja Rule featuring Ashanti ... 2002

46. Hangin' Tough ... New Kids on the Block ... 1989

47. The Only Thing That Looks Good on Me Is You ... Bryan Adams ... 1996

48. Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da ... The Beatles ... 1968

49. I'm Too Sexy ... Right Said Fred ... 1992

50. My Heart Will Go On ... Celine Dion ... 1998

[AuH2ORepublican]

The worst song of the rock era is "I'll Be There For You" by Bon Jovi. Any list that fails to include that piece of trash does not deserve its own thread.

[yuleeyahoo]

Hamster Love


Hamster, hamster by candle light.
Do it in a casserole is doing it right.
When they're in season, they're pretty pleasin'.
Hamster sandwich, hamster and cheese.
Hamster sandwiches with mayoneeze,
are delicious, and so nutritious.


You can dice, you can slice and filet them.
Cut off their heads and sauté them.
And into the oven you shove,
smells like hamster love.


Hamster curry, or pickled toes,
Australian hamster tails, any good chef knows
how to make them, or just shake and bake them.
For breakfast, for lunch or while dining,
as a snack munch their deep-fried fur lining.
Into your mouth with a shove,
tastes like hamster love.


For breakfast, for lunch or while dining,
as a snack munch their deep-fried fur lining.
Into your mouth with a shove,
tastes like hamster love.


La-la la la-la, la-la la la.
La-la la la-la, la-la la la.
La-la la la-la, la-la la la.
La-la la la-la, la-la la la.
La-la la la-la, la-la la la.


(Copyright 2000 Big Daddy and Rhino Entertainment Company)

[dirtbiker]

Then there was that moronic song, I can't remember who did it now, but the title was "In the year 2525"

[BulletBobCo]

"Loving You" sung by Minnie Riperton, if played without warning, will cause instant death and is banned by the Geneva Convention.

[FreedomCalls]

"Mr. Tambourine Man" by William Shatner from his "The Transformed Man" album, released in 1968.

[Kirkwood]

"There's a high note in "Loving You" that, when I accidentally played it loud on the radio, caused my neighbor's dog to commit suicide by kamikazee-ing into the traffic."

Accidentally, huh?

[bootless]

Ahh, a guilty pleasure!

I agree whole-heartedly about Melanie/Brand New Key. Nails on chalkboard.

And Muskrat Love. Ugh.

One Tin Soldier.

[CindyDawg]

I gotta have this tape:')

[My2Cents]

Where's "I Am Woman," by Helen Reddy?

[Natural Law]

The fact that Muskrat Love is not on the list demonstrates a major calibration error.

[GSWarrior]

Don't You (Forget About Me) is one of the most overwrought songs in modern history. And it was a huge hit at the time.

[job]

you are so, so, very wrong, wimpycat

[VadeRetro]

Accidentally, huh?

My own hearing was never the same after an earlier incident.

[handk]

I second that. And who actually says; "...genuine toe tapper" anyway? Who is this guy? Grandpa Simpson?

[bootless]

Zager & Evans - In the Year 2525

[ladyinred]

Where's Having my Baby? Not to mention, MacArthur Park.

I agree! Two of the stupidest songs ever!

[BulletBobCo]

"Loving You" is played in Hell.

[cardinal4]

And who could forget Henry Gross's Shannon?

[NathanR]

42. The Sounds of Silence ... Simon & Garfunkel ... 1965 WHAT?????

All you have to do is go to the 'rap' section in a music store, grab any 4-5 CDs, and right there you'll have 50 songs worse than that.

I agree totally. I Hate Crap.

[ladyinred]

"If you wanna be happy for the rest of your life,never make a pretty woman your life, so from my personal point of view, get an ugly girl to marry you!"