Songs so bad they're on a list all their own

Houston Chronicle ^ | April 20, 2004, 4:05PM | CLIFFORD PUGH

[Houmatt]

We're a nation of lists. Best dressed. Worst dressed. Fattest cities. Fittest cities. Hottest couples. Baddest break-ups. The greatest and worst movies, television shows, videos, DVDs and albums of all time.

Heck, VH1 has even compiled the "top 9 Jen's." Aniston, Lopez and Garner lead the list (guess they couldn't locate a 10th).

But no one has compiled the 50 worst songs ever -- until now.

Blender, a heretofore little-known music magazine, has garnered a boatload of attention this week with its list of really bad rock-era tunes. According to an advance copy of the article, which is in the May issue (on newsstands April 27), the selected songs have "crap-tastic" melodies, were wretchedly performed or make no sense whatsoever.

Or perhaps they simply evoked bad memories for the magazine's editors.

Who could truly despise the No. 1 song on their list -- Starship's We Built This City -- or No. 33, Aqua's Barbie Girl ("I'm a barbie girl, in a barbie world. Life in plastic, it's fantastic!")?

OK, so maybe Vanilla Ice's Ice Ice Baby, the Stevie Wonder/Paul McCartney duet Ebony and Ivory, Ricky Martin's She Bangs and Celine Dion's love theme from Titanic, My Heart Will Go On, deserve their rankings (Nos. 5, 10, 39 and 50, respectively).

But it's hard to take a list seriously that includes Simon & Garfunkel's Sounds of Silence (No. 42), REM's Shiny Happy People (No. 35) and the Beatles' Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da (No. 48) -- but excludes the Macarena.

And what, no Barry Manilow?

Check out the full list and see if you agree with any of the choices.

And if you're really a glutton for punishment, tune in on May 12 to hear the VH1 special, The 50 Most Awesomely Bad Songs Ever.

Blender Magazine's list of the 50 Worst Songs Ever:

1. We Built This City ... Starship ... 1985

2. Achy Breaky Heart ... Billy Ray Cyrus ... 1992

3. Everybody Have Fun Tonight ... Wang Chung ... 1986

4. Rollin' ... Limp Bizkit ... 2000

5. Ice Ice Baby ... Vanilla Ice ... 1990

6. The Heart of Rock & Roll ... Huey Lewis and the News ... 1984

7. Don't Worry, Be Happy ... Bobby McFerrin ... 1988

8. Party All the Time ... Eddie Murphy ... 1985

9. American Life ... Madonna ... 2003

10. Ebony and Ivory ... Paul McCartney, Stevie Wonder ... 1982

11. Invisible ... Clay Aiken ... 2003

12. Kokomo ... The Beach Boys ... 1988

13. Illegal Alien ... Genesis ... 1983

14. From a Distance ... Bette Midler ... 1990

15. I'll Be There for You ... The Rembrandts ... 1995

16. What's Up? ... 4 Non Blondes ... 1993

17. Pumps and a Bump ... Hammer ... 1994

18. You're the Inspiration ... Chicago ... 1984

19. Broken Wings ... Mr. Mister ... 1985

20. Dancing on the Ceiling ... Lionel Richie ... 1986

21. Two Princes ... Spin Doctors ... 1992

22. Courtesy of the Red, White and Blue (The Angry American) ... Toby Keith ... 2002

23. Sunglasses at Night ... Corey Hart ... 1984

24. Five for Fighting ... Superman ... 2000

25. I'll Be Missing You ... Puff Daddy featuring Faith Evans and 112 ... 1997

26. The End ... The Doors ... 1967

27. The Final Countdown ... Europe ... 1987

28. Your Body Is a Wonderland ... John Mayer ... 2001

29. Breakfast at Tiffany's ... Deep Blue Something ... 1995

30. Greatest Love of All ... Whitney Houston ... 1986

31. Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm ... Crash Test Dummies ... 1994

32. Will 2K ... Will Smith ... 1999

33. Barbie Girl ... Aqua ... 1997

34. Longer ... Dan Fogelberg ... 1979

35. Shiny Happy People ... R.E.M. ... 1991

36. Make Em Say Uhh! ... Master P featuring Silkk, Fiend, Mia-X and Mystikal ... 1998

37. Rico Suave ... Gerardo ... 1991

38. Cotton Eyed Joe ... Rednex ... 1995

39. She Bangs ... Ricky Martin ... 2000

40. I Wanna Sex You Up ... Color Me Badd ... 1991

41. We Didn't Start the Fire ... Billy Joel ... 1989

42. The Sounds of Silence ... Simon & Garfunkel ... 1965

43. Follow Me ... Uncle Kracker ... 2000

44. I'll Do Anything for Love (But I Won't Do That) ... Meat Loaf ... 1993

45. Mesmerize ... Ja Rule featuring Ashanti ... 2002

46. Hangin' Tough ... New Kids on the Block ... 1989

47. The Only Thing That Looks Good on Me Is You ... Bryan Adams ... 1996

48. Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da ... The Beatles ... 1968

49. I'm Too Sexy ... Right Said Fred ... 1992

50. My Heart Will Go On ... Celine Dion ... 1998

[zoyd]

1. We Built This City ... Starship ... 1985
Oh, please. I find this song high-spirited and a genuine toe tapper.

You expect people to take you 'seriesly' after THAT?

[Mr. Mojo]

Good call.

[NathanR]

...Or perhaps, "Macho Man".

Anything by the "Village People" gets my vote.

[gorush]

"Honey" Bobby Goldsboro (sp)

[Porterville]

I agree with the list.... thowever, they forgot every Madonna song

[Kirkwood]

"Why isn't "Muskrat Love" on the list? That was one real POS IMHO... But probably good enough to pump it into Sadaam's cell 24 hours a day..."

That one almost makes me puke. The problem with bringing these up is that they now get stuck in my head (insert Howard Dean scream here).

[luigi]

Jimmy Soul

[Revolting cat!]

What is the purpose of such lists? To earn a few bucks for Clifford Pugh (does he pronounce it pee-you'?), to stir up the readers of the Houston Chronicle and the viewers of VH1, so that they feel compelled to purchase the products and services of the advertisers, and so on. Such lists from questionable sources such as these are highly subjective, and in the end totally meaningless, and if we here can't agree on Billy Joel, we probably couldn't get a consensus on Terry Jacks either!

[Porterville]

22. Courtesy of the Red, White and Blue (The Angry American) ... Toby Keith ... 2002

I didn't see this one, this is a new classic... liberals hate anything pro American

[pogo101]

I agree with many of the entries but, yeah, there are as many bad choices as proper ones.

[Servant of the 9]

Hard to decide which 50 Joanie Mitchel tunes, if you can call them that, should be on the list.

There is no rhythm, no melody, the lines don't scan, much less rhyme or make sense, and she whines it all.

So9

[cardinal4]

OK, so where is Melanie and "Brand New Key" and what about that song "Loving You (Is Easy 'Cause You're Beautiful) by someone whose name escapes me at the moment. Both of these are so awful that they should be used to drive insurgents out of Iraq.

I believe the perpetrator of that felony was Minnie Riperton..

[motzman]

Whoever put this list together is smoking crack.

How can any Beatles song be on this list???

Breakfast at Tiffany's is a great song.

Two Princes is pretty good.

Every time I've heard Kokomo I've been hammered, so how bad can that be?

The End? R U kidding me?

[Fester Chugabrew]

I really don't care for the Billy Joel tune. Despite it's thoughtful lyrics the refrain is pure annoyance from a musical standpoint. Bobby Sherman's "Julie, Do You Love Me?" is another bad one. Male punk pop vocals exuding a severely strained sphincter are the worst.

[Las Vegas Dave]

I never heard the tune, but a couple I know of talked about their song at husband's 50th birthday party, the song title is; "Let's get drunk and scr**!" (They must have met in a biker bar) No offense meant towards bikers.

[Kirkwood]

Yeah Minnie Riperton. She has a lot of vocal range, but like nuclear energy, it can be quite dangerous if used improperly.

[VadeRetro]

Haven't read the whole thread yet, but anything by Bobby Goldsboro goes to the top of the list.

[fidelis]

Sorry, I'd have to put "We Built This City" up there too. I generally detest "anthem" type songs.

Of those you listed, I'd disagree with 6, 8, 34, 50.

I could pick many that deserve to be on this list (and may be, I haven't seen the whole list), these are my top 5 picks:

1. The Boys Are Back In Town (Thin Lizzy, I think)---As juvenile as they come

2. Little Willie (The Sweet)--- ditto

3. Billy Don't Be A Hero (Bo Donaldson)---Just dopey and lame

4. I'm Not In Love (10 cc)-- Cliche and boring

5. Chevy Van --- Don't know who it was by, but judging by the lyrics they were 20 going on 12.

[Thinkin' Gal]

I wouldn't be surprised if Saddam had Village People 8 tracks squirreled away in his love shacks.

[VadeRetro]

"Honey" Bobby Goldsboro (sp)

OK, you beat me to it on this thread. But it's *EVERYTHING* by Bobby Goldsboro, then everything else.