Life As An Airman (at Thule AFB)

During the pilot's preflight check, he discovers that the latrine holding tank is still full from the last flight, so a message is sent to the base, and an airman who was off duty is called out to take care of it.

The young man finally gets to the air base and makes his way to the aircraft, only to find that the latrine pump truck has been left outdoors and is frozen solid, so he must find another one in the hangar, which takes even more time. He returns to the aircraft and is less than enthusiastic about what he has to do. Nevertheless, he goes about the pumping job deliberately and carefully (and slowly) so as to not risk criticism later.

As he's leaving the plane, the pilot stops him and says, "Son, your attitude and performance has caused this flight to be late, and I'm going to personally see to it that you are not just reprimanded, but punished."

Shivering in the cold, his task finished, he takes a deep breath, stands up tall and says, "Sir, with all due respect, I'm not your son; I'm an Airman in the United States Air Force. I've been in Thule for 11 months without any leave, and reindeer are beginning to look pretty good to me. I have one stripe; it's two-thirty in the morning, the temperature is 40 degrees below zero and my job here is to pump [bleep] from your aircraft. Now just exactly what form of punishment did you have in mind?"

Thank you very much. It was quite an experience.

BTW, the guy I mentioned in the story, Razz, I found on the i-net in 2000. He went on to be quite successful.

Here is another story, enjoy:

THE MILITARY EXPERIENCE

A few weeks ago, I got nostalgic for the Army, so I downloaded some bugle calls from the Internet. Retreat, Reveille, Charge, Call to Quarters were among my downloads. I programmed my computer to play these during certain times of the day. I was greeted in the morning with Reveille. You would recognize it. It sounds like “I CAN’T GET UM UP, I CAN’ GET UM UP, I CAN’T GET UM UP IN THE MORNNNNING”.

Then I started using the computer as an alarm clock (in effect turning my $1000 computer into a $4.95 alarm clock). Every morning, the computer woke up at 5 am and after warming up and loading all of its programs, it would turn up the volume and play Reveille waking both the dog and me.

Very pleased with my experiment, I connected my computer to my high fidelity home entertainment setup, and the quality of the bugle calls improved significantly, along with the quantity of the volume. Now it really sounded like the bugle calls in Fort Monmouth New Jersey at 5 am in 1962.

I decided I had to share the military experience with my neighbors. And, of course, Reveille MUST be played at 5 AM. Got out some wire and extended the speakers of the entertainment center to 3 different windows of my house. Some duct tape sealed the windows from the wind but left the speakers sticking out the window. I couldn’t test the volume because that would give away the surprise I had for my neighbors the next morning so I just guessed at about 3/4’s of the full scale.

The day of awakening, I used the regular $4.95 alarm clock to wake the dog and I at 4:45 am. Perked my coffee, poured myself a cup, and waited for the big moment. At 4:58, the computer came on, loaded up the programs and at exactly 5AM, “THE MILITARY EXPERIENCE” began for my neighbors. Ahh, the pure joy of reveille.

Only one problem, the volume rivaled the civilian defense air raid sirens, and apparently Reveille broke the sleep of 5,000 residents over a 5 square mile radius. I saw lights come on all over my neighborhood, but since the bugle call was only 30 seconds long, they couldn’t locate the source. I was tempted to play it a few more times, but I didn’t.

I gave my neighbors “THE MILITARY EXPERIENCE” for 4 straight mornings. I talked to the Bishop across the street and apparently “THE MILITARY EXPERIENCE” was not to his liking. He vowed to get the people that were playing bugles at 5 AM, so I realized that I had to get sneakier. I skipped 2 mornings (Saturday and Sunday), then gave them “THE MILITARY EXPERIENCE” again.

On Monday, the Bishop told me he was going to call the police. He suspected the “new people” down the street. They had teenagers and must be the guilty family. I decided to push it. I got out the police scanner, and fired it up. Tuesday, “THE MILITARY EXPERIENCE” went off without a hitch. Wednesday, the police scanner was full of talk. The Barney Fife SWAT team was deployed around the town, waiting for the perps giving “THE MILITARY EXPERIENCE”. I decided to wait, desecration being the better part of valor. At about 5:30, Barney Fife (the chief) came over the police radio, canceling the stake out. I gave them 5 minutes to go get donuts, turned the volume to full, then “THE MILITARY EXPERIENCE” happened again. Unfortunately, I cracked three windows in my house, and the dog went deaf.

I have decided to give my neighbors an Honorable Discharge, and let them sleep in, retiring the reveille tape.

Does anybody know where I can get the sound of a fog horn in the middle of the Atlantic?

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