[Just another Joe]

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[MeekOneGOP]

Mornin', Joe ! Early post this week.

WARNING. Reading the following comment may cause spewing of liquids on to keyboard and monitor. Please swallow before continuing. No animals were injured in the making of this post. Any similarity to reality is purely coincidental. Any factual statement is not the intent of the poster. Views expressed by the poster are not necessarily shared by the poster. Price is for 24 month lease with $2500 down. Your mileage may vary. Objects are closer than they appear. No shirt, no shoes, no service. You must be at least this tall to ride. Do not remove under penalty of law. Remain seated until the ride comes to a full and complete stop. Reading this post may cause low birth weight. Not recommended for viewers with heart conditions, back or neck injuries, breathing difficulties, recent surgery or illness, high blood pressure and carpal tunnel syndrome. Second hand food rant 10/21/3 Not the first one I wrote.
[Disclaimer courtesy of Conspiracy Guy]

[Conspiracy Guy]

I was driving the other day and dropped my cellphone in my cup of coffee. The hot liquid in my lap made me toss my cordless razor out the window. The razor went through the windshield of the State Trooper Cruiser that was tailgating me with these silly blue lights on. I kept speeding up but he just kept tailgating me. I was doing close to 100 when I finally jammed on the brakes and crossed 2 lanes of traffic to stop on the shoulder. The dang fool tried to follow me but he got rammed by the 18 wheeler in the center lane. Since my cell phone wouldn't work any more I got off at the next exit and reported him from a payphone.

Crazy State Troopers.

[Sunshine Sister]

Hi Joe! I'll take one of those big beers. It's been quite a week and it's going to be a busy weekend too!

[Gabz]

Better late than never!!!!

How y'all doing this afternoon.

[aaaDOC]

Hi Joe. Make mine a Tanqueray Ten martini, extra dry.

And, please hand me one of those Montecristo No. 2's.

Here are a couple of jokes for all. Enjoy.

Groan!

A noted biologist, who had been studying little green frogs in a swamp, was stumped.  The frog population, despite efforts at predator control, was declining at an alarming rate.

A chemist at a nearby college found out the problem.  The frogs, due to a chemical change in the swamp water, simply couldn't stay coupled long enough to reproduce successfully.

The chemist then came up with a solution: .
The chemist then brewed up a new adhesive, which included one part sodium, to assist the frogs' togetherness.

It seems the little green frogs needed some monosodium glue to mate.

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At the doctor's office

A man walks into a doctor's office.

He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear.

"What's the matter with me?" he asks.

"You're not eating properly," replies the doctor. 

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The Russian Couple

A Russian couple were walking down the street in Moscow one night when the man felt a drop hit his nose.

"I think it's raining," he said to his wife.

"No, that felt more like snow to me," she replied.

"No, I'm sure it was just rain," he said.

They were just about to begin arguing with each other about whether it was raining or snowing when they saw a Communist Party official walking toward them.

"Let's not fight about it," the man said.  "Let's ask Comrade Rudolph whether it's officially raining or snowing."

As the official approached, the man said: "Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it officially raining or snowing?"

"It's raining, of course," he replied, and walked on.

But the woman insisted, "I know that felt like snow!"

To which her husband quietly replied: "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."

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A visit to the doctor.

A man goes into the doctor.  He says, "Doc, you gotta check my leg.  Something's wrong.  Just put your ear up to my thigh, you'll hear it!"

The doctor cautiously placed his ear to the man's thigh only to hear, "Gimme 20 bucks, I really need 20 bucks."

"I've never seen or heard anything like this before, how long has this been going on." The doctor asked.

"That's nothing Doc.  put your ear to my knee."

The doctor put his ear to the man's knee and heard it say "Man, I really need 10 dollars, just lend me 10 bucks!!"

"Sir, I really don't know what to tell you.  I've never seen anything like this." The doctor was dumbfounded.

"Wait Doc, that's not it.  There's more, just put your ear up to my ankle," the man urged him.

The doctor did as the man said and was blown away to hear his ankle plead, "Please, I just need 5 dollars.  Lend me 5 buck please if you will."

"I have no idea what to tell you," the doctor said.  "There's nothing about it in my books," he said as he frantically searched all his medical reference books.  "I can make a well educated guess though.  Based on life and all my previous experience I can tell you that your leg seems to be broke in three places

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And, as an aside, when someone wishes me Happy Holidays, I reply with, "Merry Christmas."

Everyone have a Merry Christmas!