Posted on 12/18/2003 7:23:00 AM PST by stainlessbanner
Fairness – and our lawyers – prohibits us from attributing some of the more colorful surveyor critiques we collect. We get such a kick out of them, though, that we wanted to share them with you. Here's the latest batch of comments on restaurants that our voters love to hate.
Not even the belly dancer could convince me to go back.
For real Chinese food, not the place to go. For blondes in short black dresses, your appetite may be satisfied.
Prepare for a three Tums experience.
I bitched about the $17 espresso until I tasted it.
At least the cockroach enjoyed my salad.
Feels like the kind of place William Wallace [Braveheart] would eat at.
One of the last places where a two (or three) martini lunch is still in vogue.
Don't be startled by the occasional thud of free weights hitting the floor of the gym above.
I saw a woman lick sauce off her husband's elbow.
The city hasn't seen this much cheese since the Three Tenors played Dodger Stadium.
Duck must have had a long flight -- tired, tough and took 90 minutes to arrive.
Portions so small I started laughing -- prices so high I started crying.
Too snooty, but so am I.
Eat the crayons. They taste like the calamari.
The valet parking guys went home with our car still in the lot.
Have yet to learn that heat is an integral part of the cooking process.
Abandon tastebuds all ye who enter here.
For the price, the lobster should have come via overnight express, not pony express.
Someone please close this restaurant. The food is as old as the customers.
Heart-stopping food in a life-taking neighborhood.
Even Jesus would have a hard time getting at table on Saturday night.
A woman selling flowers table-to-table told me to have a beautiful sex night.
The lobsters and shellfish on the plate are livelier than the clientele.
Am I really admitting that I've ever been there?
The stench of testosterone and desperation doesn't quite cover up the fact that this place stinks.
'Breaking bread' should not mean you have to use the side of the table.
Fun place for an after-work pupu or two-two.
The quiche of death.
My Russian mother makes better French food.
I've had much better Cajun, but I'm not going to tell you where.
Should shut down the restaurant and just serve the view.
Food [is] is served as cold as the faux-stone pillars, and as slowly as the Romans advancing over the Dolomites in a particularly harsh winter.
I think one of the ceramic pigs that adorn the walls could have given better service.
Noses are still up in the air. Should come back to earth.
The waiter flipped our pizza onto the floor, face down. He scooped it back up and told us it was okay.
Why does it always smell like mildew?
Wear black -- bring attitude -- get hicky.
We have a winner.
This is my favorite.
Back in the early 80s, I had to work in close quarters with a guy who wore gallons of that "Andron" aftershave -- the stuff whose selling point was that it contained PIG PHEREMONES (or some such crap) to attract the opposite sex.
PHEW, did that stuff ever stink.
If so...they are correct.
Suffers from delusions of adequacy Also known as Ebola Café
Took a doggie bag home; the dog refused it
Stay home and heat up a can of Alpo instead Filled with flowers and all the things that make flowers grow
Waiters just back from the Jihad
Mashed potatoes and attitudes don't mix
Be sure to sit in the no-shooting section
If this place doesn't get you laid, nothing will
Saves fuel bills – the heartburn will keep you warm all winter
If I say anything bad about the place, I might get whacked
How do you say "loser" in Chinese?
Body Piercing – today's special
Don't bother unless you're nineteen with raging testosterone
Dishes look like road kill
"Hi, I'm obviously underage. Margarita please"
The immature eating the indelible
Like a skunk, it's small, it's cute and it stinks
The look might be French but the staff is Martian
Makes prunes desirable
I can defrost better
The last stop before food stamps
A petri dish gone horribly, horribly wrong
Where's the health department?
Better service in a self-help gas station
Only an accountant could like it
I'd rather sit in traffic
Wins for most roach sightings
Totally vegged out
Should be renamed Barfing Dog
At 26, you're a senior citizen
Where the boys can be girls and no one will notice
Could have changed my oil two times from the bottom of the pasta dish
If you were on fire, they wouldn't even throw a drink on you
The only good thing about this restaurant is leaving it
Feminist man-haters that make animal-friendly food
Not the same since Vinnie the piano player died
Turn-of-the-century bordello decor
Take your time, the staff sure does
I cannot give credit to [this place] other than to praise them for hiring the mentally handicapped
Will make you long for McDonalds
The roaches always get the best seats
Chef's responsibility is to turn on the microwave
Great portions. Car was stolen from lot.
Getting mugged at gunpoint in their parking lot left a bad taste in my mouth
Confuses grease with Greece
They put the salmon in salmonella
Still sleazy after all these years
Why eat here when you can take the vegetables from the garbage can?
Reassuringly ugly
The only thing authentic about this joint is the heartburn and the check
I get sick from the food every time. At least it has consistency
If I want a fatty sandwich served by a walking attitude, I'll go to Mom's
Food tastes like socks
To call it a dump would be flattering
Like oh my Gawd, like can you believe how cool I am?
Waitresses trained by Joseph Stalin
The cockroaches are more energetic than the management
The Bronx Zoo with Food
Perfect for your fasting day
The Emperor's new food
Seductio ad absurdum
Where you can eat the cast of "Bambi"
So noisy you can't hear yourself taste
Beam me up, Scotty
Even the water gives you heartburn
The proportions are the size of Jesse Helm's grants to the arts
Grandma cooked like this, Grandpa died young
Wonder why there aren't any cats in Chinatown? Eat here
Gay Chuck E. Cheese
Good seafood, but waiter should be used as fish bait
Like the Wicked Queen, beautiful but evil
Slim's – at least they got the name right
Gets an "A" for attitude
Beavis and Butthead hangout
Wear black and bring Maalox
So romantic that wives feel like mistresses and vice versa
The old waiters are fresher than the fish
Beats Prozac as a mood lifter
Meatloaf tastes like it's made from Alpo
Tums, please
Bette Davis would agree: What a dump!
Must be laundering money
Food as good as an orgasm
Take your date here and you will be "closing" later that night
Requested no-sugar food. Blood tests later proved they broke their promise!
Not what it used to be and it did not used to be much
The average age here is deceased
Better to skip a meal than eat here
Buy a six pack and eat at Burger King instead
Lotsa lousy food for the whole family
Caught recycling wine not finished by diners
Why?
Food is icky, tables are sticky, waitress has a hickey, stay home if you're picky
I do.
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