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Christmas With Louise
Unknown

Posted on 12/11/2003 3:55:10 PM PST by Lady Jag

FUNNIEST CHRISTMAS STORY

This article was submitted to a 1999 Louisville Sentinel contest to find out who had the wildest Christmas dinner. The following won first prize.

Christmas with Louise

As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them. What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings were overflowing, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.

One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at Wal-Mart.

I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown. If you've never been in an X- rated store, don't go. You'll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, "What does this do?" "You're kidding me!" "Who would buy that?"

Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section. I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour.

Finding what I wanted was difficult. Love dolls come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry.

I settled for "Lovable Louise." She was at the bottom of the price scale. To call Louise a "doll" took a huge leap of imagination.

On Christmas Eve, with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life.

My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours, long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home and giggled for a couple of hours.

The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy but had left the dog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more. We all agreed that Louise should remain in her panty hose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner.

My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. "What the hell is that?" she asked.

My brother quickly explained, "It's a doll."

"Who would play with something like that?" Granny snapped.

I had several candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut.

"Where are her clothes?" Granny continued.

"Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran," Jay said, trying to steer her into the dining room, but Granny was relentless.

"Why doesn't she have any teeth?" Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, "Hang on, Granny, hang on!"

My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, " Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?"

I told him she was Jay's friend. A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.

The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise that sounded a lot like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the panty hose, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa.

The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth to mouth resuscitation. My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants and Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car.

It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.

Later, in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to determine the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember from the fireplace to the back of her right thigh.

Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her To perfect health.

Louise went on to star in several bachelor party movies.

I think Grandpa still calls her whenever he can get out of the house.



TOPICS: Chit/Chat; Humor; Miscellaneous
KEYWORDS: christmas; humor
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To: xsmommy
you mention testicles and immediately people start getting their panties all a'twist...

Please don't mention testicles and twists in the same sentence, please.

61 posted on 12/11/2003 6:14:14 PM PST by NeoCaveman (Order your Hillary Testicular Lockbox from the EIB Network today.)
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To: dubyaismypresident
i coulda said they get their panties in a wad and that wouldn't have been much better...
62 posted on 12/11/2003 6:15:19 PM PST by xsmommy
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To: sciencediet
there are too many of them to list.
63 posted on 12/11/2003 6:15:42 PM PST by NeoCaveman (Order your Hillary Testicular Lockbox from the EIB Network today.)
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To: xsmommy
i coulda said they get their panties in a wad and that wouldn't have been much better...

Wad is better than twist. Twist is painful.

So have you shot your load of testicle puns yet?

64 posted on 12/11/2003 6:16:48 PM PST by NeoCaveman (Order your Hillary Testicular Lockbox from the EIB Network today.)
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To: dubyaismypresident; xsmommy
So have you shot your load of testicle puns yet?

Goodness gracious, great balls of fire. What on eart are you people doing over here? You'd think you would know that you can't lick this group in a punning constest.

65 posted on 12/11/2003 6:34:26 PM PST by RikaStrom
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To: sciencediet
ROFL
66 posted on 12/11/2003 6:41:00 PM PST by yonif ("If I Forget Thee, O Jerusalem, Let My Right Hand Wither" - Psalms 137:5)
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To: xsmommy
CJ, how did i forget you ?

I'm easy to forget, living in poverty in a tarpaper shack in Montana, eating beanie-weenies every night, and spending my welfare checks on dogfood. Every now and then I get the privilege to fly to civilization in DC(but my best bud there disses me), or $hitcago where even the beggars dis me. What can I do?

Oh, right. Two weeks from tonight I'll be hoisting a Mai-tai with an umbrella to WFTD and smoking a big cigar while I watch the sun go down over Waikiki Beach, while a Thai teen massages my shoulders.

ha-ha

67 posted on 12/11/2003 6:41:29 PM PST by CholeraJoe (White Devils for Sharpton. We're bad. We're Nationwide)
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To: martin_fierro
He's good looking in that photo and only $99 USD from Oz. That'd be worth it to see if he'd get me through the HOV lane. Even better with tinted windows.
68 posted on 12/11/2003 6:42:22 PM PST by Lady Jag (Googolplex Star Thinker of the Seventh Galaxy of Light and Ingenuity)
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To: RikaStrom
You'd think you would know that you can't lick this group in a punning constest.

LOL.

69 posted on 12/11/2003 6:54:22 PM PST by NeoCaveman (Order your Hillary Testicular Lockbox from the EIB Network today.)
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To: dubyaismypresident
I'm waiting for the life size, talking, anatomically correct Patti Ann Browne doll. I'd pay a bundle for that one.
70 posted on 12/11/2003 7:01:41 PM PST by CholeraJoe (White Devils for Sharpton. We're bad. We're Nationwide)
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To: WhyisaTexasgirlinPA
Great story!

Thanks.

I just realized how traditional Christmas stories have changed.

My son had his very, very religious future in-laws playing Ghettonopoly. They made the elderly aunt read the cards. They knew she had a great card when she would turn beet red.
71 posted on 12/11/2003 7:04:10 PM PST by Shooter 2.5 (Don't punch holes in the lifeboat)
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To: RikaStrom; dubyaismypresident; xsmommy
I need to hang out with this bunch more often at this time of night.

heck of a lot more fun than the misogynists on that other thread................
72 posted on 12/11/2003 7:04:49 PM PST by Gabz (Smoke gnatzies - small minds buzzing in your business - swat'em!!!)
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To: CholeraJoe
There are smoking bans on beaches in hawaii
73 posted on 12/11/2003 7:05:47 PM PST by Gabz (Smoke gnatzies - small minds buzzing in your business - swat'em!!!)
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To: Gabz
But not on my private balcony, Gabz.
74 posted on 12/11/2003 7:08:04 PM PST by CholeraJoe (White Devils for Sharpton. We're bad. We're Nationwide)
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To: xsmommy
if i had such a thing in my possession, i would have had to get the website address from you for ordering.... ; )

Gosh, for a lawyer you have a very short memory.....I DID give you the website, remember? You begged me for it........ ;^)

75 posted on 12/11/2003 7:19:36 PM PST by WhyisaTexasgirlinPA
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To: xsmommy
I believe the guy misunderstood when the box mentioned her being available for double duty......but his idea would work too!
76 posted on 12/11/2003 7:20:42 PM PST by WhyisaTexasgirlinPA
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To: Shooter 2.5
OH.... Grandma will remember that night for a while, huh? lol
77 posted on 12/11/2003 7:24:18 PM PST by WhyisaTexasgirlinPA
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To: CholeraJoe
Just pulling your leg, my FRiend!!!!!
78 posted on 12/11/2003 7:33:25 PM PST by Gabz (Smoke gnatzies - small minds buzzing in your business - swat'em!!!)
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To: WhyisaTexasgirlinPA
I think it was the Dallas Police that checked out a car that had a guy and an inflatable inside. The officers wanted to know what the heck the guy was doing taking something like that out in public.

The guy said he did it because that way it would seem like a date.

The cops thought it was so pathetic they left.
79 posted on 12/11/2003 7:45:52 PM PST by Shooter 2.5 (Don't punch holes in the lifeboat)
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To: Shooter 2.5
OH that is pathetic........ I'll bet they laughed about it for days though.........
80 posted on 12/11/2003 8:28:11 PM PST by WhyisaTexasgirlinPA
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