Brothers Charged with Obstruction [semi-satire]

Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 21 January 2024 | John Semmens

[John Semmens]

In addition to the usual charges of unauthorized parading and trespassing inside the US Capitol building, the Department of Justice (DOJ) has added charges of "obstructing the Capitol Police" against Aaron James and his brother Isaac Westbury. Specifically, between 2:42 and 2:44 pm on January 6, 2021 they tried to shield Rosanne Boyland from being beaten to death by these "officers of the law."

Attorney General Merrick Garland asserted that "by attempting to physically impede the lawfully administered beat-down of this elderly woman they made bodily contact with the officers. This resulted in cuts and bruises that would not have occurred if not for the brothers' interference. Violence against armed members of law-enforcement cannot be tolerated in our democracy. Respect for these brave Capitol Police officers is essential for maintaining the peace and order required of a civilized society."

In related news, the DOJ acknowledged that Hunter Biden's laptop, which has been in the DOJ's possession since 2019 and was known not to be "Russian disinformation" at that time, was "an inadvertent error." Later, the FBI declared and 51current and former national security officials jointly signed an open letter falsely stating that it was Russian disinformation when it was known to be a genuine record of the President's son's criminal activity was also "an unfortunate slip-up". Garland affirmed that "none of these individuals will be prosecuted because their deception was carried out for the noble purpose of undermining the MAGA threat to our democracy. If the truth had been told voters may well have elected more enemies of democracy—including Trump and Republican members of Congress in the 2020 and 2022 elections."

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