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Pennsylvania Endorses Porn & Masturbation [semi-satire]
Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 20 Dec 2020 | John Semmens

Posted on 12/21/2020 9:19:52 AM PST by John Semmens

In a bid the make "stay at home" orders "less tedious and alienating" Secretary of the Pennsylvania Department of Health Rachel Levine is now recommending "porn and masturbation" as a way to cope.

"One of the unforeseen benefits of the pandemic has been the realization that traditional attitudes about sex need to be changed," she said. "With many states imposing severe limits on movement and social contact, the old ways of sexually interacting are being seen as unduly risky. Skin-to-skin contact with another person conjures up nightmares of deadly viruses invading our bodies. This grim awareness of the deadly potential of intimacy is endangering mental health."

"This is why your Department of Health is reaching out to the people of Pennsylvania to educate everyone on the superior health outcomes of contact-less sex," Levine continued. "If you are the only person who touches your body you can't get the COVID virus. I realize that touching one's own body might not be a sufficiently erogenous experience to generate sexual release. I have found that simultaneous viewing of pornography is helpful. My favorite site is 'OnlyFans.'"

Concurring advice came from DC Mayor Muriel Bowser who told her city's residents "you are your safest sex partner; masturbation is always safe sex. Just be sure to clean up any icky bodily fluids, wash your hands and any sex toys with soap and water for at least 20 seconds before and after." On the other hand, Dr. Anthony Fauci averred that "a hook-up with a Tinder match is probably safer than shaking hands with a stranger."

If you missed any of the other Semi-News/Semi-Satire posts you can find them at...

http://www.gopbriefingroom.com/index.php?topic=423202.0


TOPICS: Government; Health/Medicine; Humor; Politics
KEYWORDS: covid; democrats; lockdowns; pua; redpill; satire; sex

1 posted on 12/21/2020 9:19:52 AM PST by John Semmens
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To: John Semmens

Quoth the pig in the wig.


2 posted on 12/21/2020 9:21:30 AM PST by ScholarWarrior
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To: John Semmens

This isn’t even funny. It is evil. I did not read the article but just the
beginning is a true Sodom and Gomorrah story.


3 posted on 12/21/2020 9:22:18 AM PST by Cottonpatch
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To: John Semmens
If God spares the USA, then he owes Sodom and Gomorrah an apology.

Ruth Graham

4 posted on 12/21/2020 9:29:01 AM PST by PGR88
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To: John Semmens

Why do you put [semi-satire] on every thread you post?? That’s rather annoying.


5 posted on 12/21/2020 9:31:00 AM PST by CodeToad (Arm Up! They Have!)
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To: Cottonpatch

It’s what the commies have always wanted. Get Americans hooked on masturbating, flood American with porn, get people numbed out which will make them addicted and passive to the take over of America.

Lack of discipline, lack of honor and integrity led so many to betray this country. All because, “I’d hit that” mentality has consumed them. With their brains addicted to the dopamine, norepinephrine, oxytocin and vasopressin these people will find it nearly impossible to stop but makes them easy fools to manipulate. Fear of exposure leads to easy mind control. Google knows everything you read and watch. If you are a person in power, just a simple search will tell them how to get you.


6 posted on 12/21/2020 9:41:05 AM PST by dragonblustar ( Fight the China take over!!!!!)
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To: CodeToad; John Semmens
> Why do you put [semi-satire] on every thread you post?? That’s rather annoying.

Because before he started doing that, people bitched that they were "taken in" by the realistic satire that typically follows the "real news" intro part.

Some, you just can't win.

7 posted on 12/21/2020 12:17:33 PM PST by dayglored ("Listen. Strange women lying in ponds distributing swords is no basis for a system of government."`)
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