Posted on 08/27/2019 8:47:24 AM PDT by John Semmens
Not content with the degradation of the city stemming from a lawless homeless population shooting up with drugs and defecating in the streets, the City's Board of Supervisors has undertaken a scheme to define crime out of existence. "Terms such as 'offender,' 'delinquent,' 'convicted felon,' and 'thief,' will be replaced by less pejorative terminology," said Supervisor Matt Haney.
"In place of these hurtful words we will heretofore use terms like 'behavioral nonconformist,' 'naughty young person,' 'justice-involved individual,' and 'unlicensed income re-distributor,'" Haney promised. "Our aim is to avoid ruining lives by stigmatizing individuals in ways that would damage their reputations. Ideally, a lot of behavior that is currently illegal would be legalized and promote a greater tolerance for the eccentricities of some of our more colorful fellow residents."
Meanwhile, the City of Baltimore has discontinued its aerial crime surveillance plane. The surveillance was fully funded by philanthropists, John and Laura Arnold and cost the City nothing. Baltimore Police Department spokesperson Matt Jablow explained that "the feeling was that the program was inhibiting some of the City's residents from carrying out their normal day-to-day activities." Since Baltimore's murder rate of 55.77 per 100,000 inhabitants is second-highest in the nation (only St. Louis at 66.07 is higher), perhaps inhibiting some residents' normal activities would be a good thing.
In related news, NBC reporter Mike Viqueira took issue with President "Trump's insistence on blaming shooters for the murders they commit. Those of us who cover these stories know that the shooters are often just as much a victim as those they kill. Many shoot themselves after they're done shooting others. Shooters who survive have their lives ruined by lengthy prison sentences. And unlike Trump, we also know that if no one had a gun these shootings would never take place. The only thing that needs to be resolved is how to ensure that no one has access to firearms. Until we reach that state we know the massacres will continue."
On the other hand, research has shown that guns in the hands of private citizens have prevented 400,000 life-threatening crimes per year and that 60% of convicted felons say they avoid targeting potential victims who they know are carrying firearms.
if you missed any of this week's other semi-news/semi-satire posts you can find them at...
http://www.gopbriefingroom.com/index.php/topic,373082.0.html
Crime is a band
“San Francisco Redefines Crime [semi-satire]”
A lot of big cities are now doing this. This happened in Dallas this summer. Redefining theft (less than $750 no longer a crime), drug possession (”After the first offense, people will be offered a program that, if successfully completed, will keep their record clear. I am also in the process of dismissing all pending misdemeanor marijuana cases filed before I took office, according to the new policy stated above).
Then they wonder why the crime rate skyrockets.
Please, some country with nuclear weapons drop one on Calif. and put them out of their misery.
They just need to find something to fit with the euphemism “Fine Young Cannibals”. Or “10,000 Maniacs”.
Those who defecate in public streets will be known as “Free-lance Fertilizer Spreaders”.
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