Posted on 01/22/2016 7:27:09 PM PST by Utilizer
Ignore the thread link. It only goes to the FR Index page.
Got some bad news today. JRandomFreeper has passed away, and that coupled with a good friend and neighbor suddenly passing away last October, I am in need of some relief for the depression this news has brought about.
So, in an effort to dispel the gloom and provide an atmosphere for others to take their minds off of the loss of a good FReeper, I present this Oldie-but-Moldy concept.
Hope it brings a smile here and there despite the tears.
So:
===
Cats are better than women because:
1. Cats don't care how much money you have. Good cat food and a warm place to sleep and you are golden.
2. Cats do not demand, or even understand the concept of breakfast in bed. Start opening the can or the bag of food and they are on the way.
3. Cats dislike chocolate, sneeze on flowers, and attempting to buy them nice clothes to wear will only make them strut away in disdain. They already have fur coats.
4. Cats don't worry about you hogging the remote control or whether or not what you are watching is "sensitive" enough. Use it as an impromptu backscratcher for them now and again and you can watch all the sports or action flicks you want. Although they may occasionally use it as an improvised mousetoy.
5. A cat will love you forever.
6. Cats don't care if you see other cats. Or even dogs, generally.
7. Cats don't wonder if you still love them. They know you do.
8. You can wear cutoff shorts, t-shirts, and sneakers all day every day if you want, and a cat will not make any snide comments about slobs, sloppy attitudes, or "holey" clothing whatsoever.
9. If you decide to sleep in on a weekend instead of mowing the lawn, as long as the food bowl is down and filled there is never any problem. Sleep is a concept well-accepted by all cats.
10. Cats don't care if you decide not to shave for a couple of days. Or grow a moustache; whiskers being a normal part of their concept of beauty.
11. You can eat four double-cheeseburgers, four containers of large fries or onion rings, and down a six-pack (or two) as many times as you want, and a cat will never look askance at you or start making rude "piggy" sounds while you do. Heck, they may even sit there and wait for you to pass along tidbits while you are doing it.
12. Cats don't care if you buy them presents on their birthdays, being generally unaware of birthdays or other such occasions.
13. Cats really do not care if you remember their mother's birthday or if you make any disparaging remarks about the cantankerous old battle-axe.
14. Cats don't try to borrow money from you. Hide it sometimes, maybe... if you leave loose bills laying about.
15. Cats don't care about what kind car you drive. Heck, cats don't care about cars at all -unless you are bundling them off to the vet.
16. Generally speaking, cats are the ultimate optimists, usually not being the type to go crying over spilt milk.
17. Cats don't care about how many other cats you might have known in the past.
18. Cats don't get insecure if you occasionally talk about working with lots of beautiful cats that they don't know.
19. Cats don't sabotage your work clothes with perfume when you mention that you are scheduled for a business meeting where another cat will be present.
20. Cats don't go through your wallet or pockets after an important business meeting looking for the sudden appearance of previously-unknown phone numbers.
21. Cats don't go crying to their mothers when you forget some "important" occasion, like for instance your three-month anniversary.
22. Cats don't care if you don't call. The machine will pick up if you do and you can leave a message.
23. Cats don't embarrass you by making you bring them home any Feminine Hygeine Products from the store.
24. You never have to worry about having to carry a cats' handbag. Or frilly scarf, for that matter.
25. Cats don't demand that you go shopping with them.
26. Cats don't make you bring home any chick-flicks to watch.
27. Cats don't force you to sit still for two hours and watch one or more of the latest boring "hit" movies.
28. Cats don't demand that you buy them a bigger bed.
29. Cats don't worry if their choice of outfit makes them look fat. Usually consisting entirely of a collar, there is never any problem -and what do you mean, "fat"?
30. Cats don't demand that you know the names of all their relatives and memorize all their birthdays and anniversaries.
31. Cats don't sneer at the relative lack of intelligence of any friends you bring home, regardless of their gender. They sneer at them on general principles.
32. Cats do not insist that you dance with them.
33. Cats do not care if you read on the toilet.
34. Cats do not demand that you do something "romantic" once in awhile. If you do not believe Me, just try carrying one off to bed sometime.
35. Cats do not throw hissy fits if you continually prefer not to sit at the table to eat dinner and elect to sit in front of the telly.
36. Cats hate it if you try spraying air-fresheners ANYWHERE.
37. Cats do not annoy you by constantly asking you what you are thinking.
38. Cats are not continually confiding to their girlfriends that you do not seem all that 'sensitive' any more.
39. Cats do not demand that you undergo therapy because you just do not "understand" them enough.
40. Cats do not tell you that you need to "change".
41. Cats are not critical of you if you do not want to go outside.
42. Cats do not care about public displays of affection. It had BETTER be private, or touchy-feely is going to be scratchy-ouchie!
43. Cats do not feel any need to be continually talking about their day.
44. Cats accept your curtains just the way they are and feel no need to swap them for some more "attractive" ones.
45. As long as there is a place to lie on, whatever your furniture looks like is perfectly acceptable. Crates as well.
46. Cats do not feel an overpowering urge to rearrange your medicine cabinet.
47. Your socks are just fine wherever you decide to drop them. Putting them away in drawers just makes it more interesting when they fish them out and toss them all over.
48. When a cat goes through your toilet-paper roll, you can generally roll it back up and continue useing it with no problem.
49. Like many women, cats are fascinated by toilets, but want the padded toilet seats for quite different reasons.
50. Cats become quite annoyed when you insist on vacuuming, especially when they are comfortably laying across the hallway carpet.
51. Cats do not feel a compelling need to bring you with them when they decide to visit old friends.
52. Cats do not lecture you on how intellectual whatever pursuit you happen to be enguaged in SHOULD be.
53. Cats do not try to 'remake' you into something you are not. It is painfully obvious that you are not a cat, so attainment of perfection will forever be beyond your grasp. Therefore they do not waste time berating you about it.
54. Cats do not randomly moan about how they should have listened to their mother.
55. Cats do not dream of someday owning a large swimming-pool. Nightmares, perhaps.
56. Pink is not necessary for everything a cat owns. Or diamonds, for that matter.
57. A pony is not every young cat's favourite wish. Or a Unicorn.
58. When you are feeling especially stressed out, cats are excellent at shredding old bills.
59. In general, cats have no lesser or greater opinion of whichever blondes you choose to associate with. Or redheads with green eyes, even.
60. Cats do not make 'catty' comments about other cats.
61. Most importantly, if you have had such an incredibly difficult day that all you want to do when you come home is sit in front of the telly with a cold one, instead of bothering you with demands to 'talk about it', they just want to come over and curl up in your lap to join you.
-and...
"Women think Dogs are better than men and say dogs..."
1. "Always think women are smart and don't make fun of their shortcomings."
A. That is because dogs are smarter than most guys and not stupid enough to believe women when they are demanded to state a true opinion. They just keep on smiling away...
2. "Dogs are willing to sleep on a rug and fetch on command."
A. And this is different from being forced to sleep on the couch and perform countless HoneyDo's exactly how?
3. "Dogs spend less time worrying about hair loss."
A. True, but women who experience it think of nothing else but.
4. "(Their) Old buddies don't show up on (the) doorstep unexpectedly."
A. That is because even dogs can reasonably expect to get a better reception than a guy's old friend. Less competition for time, just for starters.
5. "Dogs are utterly disinterested in professional sports."
A. Demonstrably False. Even obstacle courses, farthest jump into a pool to catch a frisbee, and sheepherding are now professional dog-involved sports, and guys just love them!
6. "Your parents find them easier to like."
A. That's because most dogs are probably not as stupid as your last boyfriend.
7. "Dogs are rarely jealous of your former boyfriends."
A. Dogs are only jealous of Alpha Males.
8. "Dogs are willing to hold your purse in public."
A. Only because you don't force them to go shopping with you.
9. "(Dogs are) Unlikely to roll over and lose consciousness immediately following intense play."
A. I dunno. I think it depends more on how often you define "play" as in "to imitate a log".
10. "Dogs don't complain when you want to go for a walk."
A. Yeah? Try waking one up when they are attempting to take a nap.
11. "Dogs are willing to eat anything you put on their plate and will always want more."
A. Unlike guys, dogs do not mind occasionally eating crap. But hey, if that's the kind of breath you prefer...
12. "Dogs tend to bath(e) themselves daily, men must be encouraged to do so."
A. You and I obviously have quite different ideas of what constitutes a REAL dog. A cat, maybe...
13. "You can put a dog in a crate when you don't feel like having it around."
A. Only if you love constant whining. Wait, what am I saying? A woman not understanding whining?
14. "Dogs expect to go outside on leashes... men think they can do everything on their own."
A. You think being expected to always sit there and listen with an interested expression every day while you 'talk about' your day is NOT being leashed? Not to mention being expected to ask permission before going "out" with the guys? Have another glass of wine, honey.
15. "Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public."
A. Dogs also do not have a problem licking their balls in public and humping your leg. What's your point?
16. "Dogs miss you when you're gone."
A. Of course they do. After awhile, the lack of whining gets you to the point where you begin to kind of miss it.
17. "You never wonder whether your dog is good enough for you."
A. Of course not. After you get them de-nutted, they never have to "wonder" again.
18. "Dogs feel guilt when they've done something wrong."
A. Maybe. But that steak sure was delicious. And just wait until you step into the shower early in the morning...
19. "Dogs don't brag about whom they have slept with."
A. That's because after one mistake, we guys all know better.
20. "Dogs don't criticize your friends."
A. No, like most smart guys, we simply prefer to pee on their tyres when they are not looking. Or sometimes when they are.
21. "Dogs admit when they're jealous."
A. Really? How can you tell? Do they pout and give you the "silent treament"?
22. "Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out."
A. Of course they are. When nature calls, you answer. Then again they do not seem to have a problem playing on the carpet they just peed on.
23. "Dogs do not play games with you -except fetch (and they never laugh at how you throw)."
A. That's because like them, you also seem to have a problem with opposable thumbs to play video games with, not to mention being totally clueless about "catch-the-squirrel".
24. "Dogs are happy with any video you choose to rent, because they know the most important thing is that you're together."
A. That's because dogs do not know what a Colonoscopy is. Usually.
25. "Dogs don't feel threatened by your intelligence."
A. Really? This from someone who has no idea what catch-the-squirrel is all about? They also do not understand how you equate "intelligence" to "feelings". Kind of like most guys.
26. "You can train a dog."
A. And the dog will still run and fetch a lit stick of dynamite back to you, unlike any guy. But hey, if that's all that you care about...
27. "Dogs are easy to buy for."
A. You've obviously never brought a couple of twelve-packs and bags of chips over for a barbecue.
28. "Dogs are good with kids."
A. So are toilets. And mushrooms, although not at the same time.
29. "Dogs are already in touch with their inner puppies."
A. Okay... and guys should feel like puppies because...? Or are you saying that extreme immaturity is some sort of goal you feel guys should want to achieve? Or perhaps unrestricted bowel movements are what you are really all about.
30. "You are never suspicious of your dog's dreams."
A. *snort* That's because dogs don't dream about beer and pretzels. Sniffing butts, maybe.
31. "Gorgeous dogs don't know they're gorgeous."
A. Oh, I dunno. A happy Irish Setter, a proud Husky, a cheerful Golden Retriever. I think they know.
32. "The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas. (OK. The *really* worst disease you can get from them is rabies, but there's a vaccine for it, and you get to kill the one that gives it to you.)"
A. You obviously have never undergone a divorce. With a vicious and vindictive opposing lawyer. As a male.
33. "Dogs understand what NO means."
A. Because they are smart enough to pretend ignorance when the command "the toilet needs cleaning" is uttered.
34. "Dogs don't need therapy to undo their bad socialization."
A. No, because after you have them de-nutted, therapy is no help.
35. "Dogs don't make a practice of killing their own species."
A. You mean unlike women?
36. "Dogs understand if some of their friends cannot come inside."
A. And also, rolling about in a pile of rotting garbage is something they find perfectly acceptable.
37. "Dogs do not read at the table."
A. Or on the toilet. What's your point?
38. "You can house train a dog."
A. And yet, somehow, cats need no training at all...
39. "You can force a dog to take a bath."
A. But yet somehow they still do not laugh at your silly jokes, preferring instead to slowly suffer in silence.
40. "Dogs don't correct your stories."
A. Neither do cats -however unlike dogs, they are smart enough to just ignore you and walk away knowing it will be quite some time before you even realize they have left.
41. "Middle-aged dogs don't feel the need to abandon you for a younger owner."
A. Yeah, after they've been "fixed" they really don't feel many needs at all...
42. "Dogs aren't threatened by a woman with short hair."
A. I think only Barbers seem to find hair threatening.
43. "Dogs aren't threatened by two women with short hair."
A. Dogs don't usually find poodles threatening either, so I fail to see where you are going with this...
44. "Dogs don't mind if you do all the driving."
A. That's because after the first couple of near-misses, the only hope they have of getting back home in one piece is just accepting the fact that you are totally lost and hope that some nice street bum will point you eventually in the right direction.
45. "Dogs love to dance."
A. And pee with happiness. What's your point?
46. "Dogs don't step on the imaginary brake."
A. *snort* Yeah, like women would know what a "brake" is...
47. "Dogs admit it when they're lost."
A. Yeah, the Hari Krishna followers 've got nothing on them there. Most of them admitted it when My Ex- suddenly started sporting that "If you don't like the way I drive, stay offa da sidewalk!" bumper sticker.
48. "Dogs don't weigh down your purse with their stuff."
A. Why would they? You'd just make them carry it regardless.
49. "Dogs look at your eyes."
A. And your butt, quite intensely. Again, what's your point?
50. "Dogs like your size."
A. Only a woman would think what a dog thinks about your size is important.
51. "Dogs do not care whether you shave your legs."
A. That's because guys like non-hairy legs, and dogs, well, hairy or non-hairy they are going to hump it regardless.
52. "Dogs take care of their own needs."
A. Okay... time to wakey-wakey! How many Valium, exactly, DID you take?
53. "Dogs are color blind."
A. Unlike women, I suppose. That would be why so many stores have aisles of hair colour products on display. Bats are colour-blind as well.
54. "Dogs aren't threatened if you earn more than they do."
A. Let's face it, ANYONE makes more than a dog makes, even the kids at a lemonade stand. However, I understand if you feel the need to publicize how much you make for some reason. Let's talk about your father...
55. "Dogs mean it when they kiss you."
A. They mean it when they hump your leg too, but thankfully then their breath is usually not as close, especially since they habitually lick their butts as well then have no problem "kissing" you.
56. "Dogs are nice to your relatives."
A. Hey, here a leg-hump, there a leg-hump --what's not to like?
57. "Dogs obsess about you as much as you obsess about them."
A. Ummm, OK, I'll take a guess here that you are not a real woman, are you?
58. "Dogs don't care how you dress."
A. ? And this is different from men how, exactly?
I’m a cat lover, my wife is a dog lover ... therefore, we own a dog. ;-)
Are fish better than bicycles?
Y’know, this list makes me appreciate my cat a lot more. I’ll give her some Temptations tonight and tell her to thank Utilizer.
I love all animals, however being a renter in Silicon Valley teaches you quite soon that while many prospective landlords are unwilling to rent if you have a dog, they will at least look the other way if you have a cat.
If I ever manage to somehow obtain a home despite the odds, I plan on having dogs, cats, and whatever else type of pets I wish if possible.
Until then... I have a couple of truly loveable cats. Hope they learn quickly that the new dog in the house is not going to go away.
It’s one pu$$y that doesn’t take half your stuff if it leaves.
That one is rather obtuse.
I suppose if you were hungry, the answer would be obvious. :)
Always did love the occasional salmon-steak. Mmmm. With salt, pepper, and a bit of lemon juice and buttered toast for the juices!
Right, then, now I'm REALLY hungry! :)
Ping, Janey luv. :)
Indeed. ;)
Crikey! FLEAS!!! Where’s the bloody Denatured Alcohol???
No, no, no. An acute angle is <90 degrees.
This is cat physics we’re talking about. Much different from regular physics.
Cat geometry also differs from regular geometry.
Cats know they’re purrfect!
Thanks for the suggestion. I typically cannot hack white fish meat; salmon really has the flavor.
This might inspire you to do a bit more, if you think about it:
You never truly appreciate what you have until it is gone.
I have lost more than one pet over the years, and I can tell you from experience that that statement is more true than anyone can understand until they go through it.
Part of the reason I started this thread...
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