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FDA to Announce Ban on Sprinkles [satire]
Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 28 Dec 2014 | John Semmens

Posted on 12/29/2014 8:50:50 AM PST by John Semmens

Though the amount of trans fats in the sprinkles that are used to adorn donuts and ice cream cones is extremely low, the Food and Drug Administration is determined to eliminate these items from the food chain.

“There is no good reason why anyone should consume these non-nutritional pollutants in our food supply,” said FDA nutrition expert Harley Sain. “The donuts and ice cream cones where sprinkles are usually found are bad enough on their own without this worthless addition.”

Sain admitted that “if it were totally up to me, we’d be banning the donuts and ice cream, too. No one needs to eat these to survive. The world would be healthier without them. Removing them from the diet is more of a long term goal. We need to move in increments that won’t stir up too much opposition. As people gradually become more accustomed to greater government control over what they are allowed eat we can take larger strides toward a perfectly calibrated diet for all.”

In the meantime, “if the lack of sprinkles deters only one person from consuming a donut or ice cream cone, well, that’s a fringe benefit that no one could reasonably oppose,” Sain added.

if you missed any of this week's other semi-news/semi-satire posts you can find them at...

http://azconservative.org/2014/12/28/gop-to-become-party-of-yes/


TOPICS: Food; Government; Health/Medicine; Humor
KEYWORDS: bureaucracy; nannystate; regulation; satire

1 posted on 12/29/2014 8:50:50 AM PST by John Semmens
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To: John Semmens

Even if we only save one (fat) kid...


2 posted on 12/29/2014 8:57:21 AM PST by rockrr (Everything is different now...)
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To: John Semmens

You only think it is satire, and it is temporarily


3 posted on 12/29/2014 8:58:13 AM PST by GeronL (Vote for Conservatives not for Republicans)
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To: John Semmens

The question is, do Sprinkles contain plastic particles that enhance their appearance like some brands of toothpaste? If so, good riddance to them.


4 posted on 12/29/2014 9:00:02 AM PST by stars & stripes forever (Blessed is the nation whose God is the Lord.)
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To: John Semmens

D’OH!


5 posted on 12/29/2014 9:01:00 AM PST by CrazyIvan (I lost my phased plasma rifle in a tragic hovercraft accident.)
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To: John Semmens

Harley Sain sounds like he isn’t. Da boy needs to get a real job.


6 posted on 12/29/2014 9:04:16 AM PST by FlingWingFlyer (The trouble with America is that it's full of Americans. - The commie DemocRATS.)
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To: John Semmens

I just love your articles, I’m so glad that they are posted here.


7 posted on 12/29/2014 9:05:15 AM PST by Shimmer1 (Tolerance becomes a crime when applied to evil. Thomas Mann)
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To: John Semmens

Black market sprinkles sure to follow! Ha!


8 posted on 12/29/2014 9:06:53 AM PST by subterfuge (Minnesota: the laughingstock of the nation - for lots of reasons!)
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To: John Semmens

The sprinkles will be allowed on doughnuts that are crème filled with a turnip mush.


9 posted on 12/29/2014 9:08:35 AM PST by Starstruck (If my reply offends, you probably don't understand sarcasm or criticism...or do.)
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To: John Semmens
“There is no good reason why anyone should consume these non-nutritional pollutants in our food supply,”

Finally an FDA pronouncement I can agree with. Sprinkles waste space on top of ice cream or donuts that could be used for chocolate.

Sain admitted that “if it were totally up to me, we’d be banning the donuts and ice cream, too.

That's just in-sain.

10 posted on 12/29/2014 9:24:24 AM PST by KarlInOhio (The IRS: either criminally irresponsible in backup procedures or criminally responsible of coverup.)
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To: John Semmens

Sprinkles are racist... or an example of white privilege... perhaps both.


11 posted on 12/29/2014 9:27:14 AM PST by Flick Lives ("I can't believe it's not Fascism!")
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To: John Semmens

How about in Connecticut, where we call them “shots”?


12 posted on 12/29/2014 9:42:37 AM PST by Dr. Sivana (There is no salvation in politics)
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To: John Semmens

Silver dragées, those little balls used decorate cookies, have been banned in California—and that’s not satire or a joke.


13 posted on 12/29/2014 10:06:37 AM PST by Fiji Hill (Io Triumphe!)
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To: John Semmens

14 posted on 12/29/2014 10:10:16 AM PST by dfwgator
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To: John Semmens
My wife is going to have some of her cousin's kids coming over tomorrow, I'll make sure to put sprinkles on the cupcakes I'll bake for them. BTW, where is the satire? Guess I've been to busy this week to keep up on the nanny state news.
15 posted on 12/29/2014 11:40:56 AM PST by Springman (Rest In Peace YaYa123, Bahbah, and Just Lori.)
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