I Read Sarah Palin's New Book About the War on Christmas. Here's What I Learned (Hurl Alert)

Since losing the 2008 presidential election and almost completing a full term as governor of Alaska, Sarah Palin has remained on the edge of the national consciousness. She's like America's racist aunt; not evil, just painfully ignorant and around the holidays she usually opens her mouth and says something embarrassing.

Her newest book Good Tidings and Great Joy: Protecting the Heart of Christmas is like her others: a delightful read if you're able to disconnect the hate part of your brain and just focus on the imaginary world she creates. It's an amusing, Seussian world, featuring combinations of real and made-up words. "Obamacare death panels." "Lamestream media." And don't forget, "Liberal militant atheist secularists", the word-salad Grinches of her holiday diatribe. Instead of stealing Christmas with a Santa suit, they use what she calls "an extreme legal technicality" and other people might call "constitutional protection against establishment of state religion."

Her inability to use words correctly illustrates perfectly her disconnection from the world. My favorite example is her heartwarming story about Christmas 2012, which fell right after the shooting at Sandy Hook Elementary. To celebrate the event (I guess?) she bought Todd Palin a gun for Christmas, which she referred to as an act of "civil disobedience". Not only is that a hilarious re-purposing of a term with a noble history, it's also a perfect misuse of BOTH WORDS. Buying guns is both legal and dangerous, making it an act of uncivil obedience.

But words are as far as she can think. At one point she gets so frustrated trying to put together complete thoughts (or reaching her publisher-required word count) she just starts spewing random words. "I've told you the power of words, so here are some good old fashioned words: Work. Honesty. Courage. Justice. Perseverance." If only somebody had told her the power of sentences!

If sentences are hard for her, logic is completely out of the question. Good Tidings reads like an exam question in Logical Fallacies 101. One third of the book is her vision of Christmas Yet To Come, in which she details all the horrible things that have happened because we lost respect for Jesusy Christmas. "You guys, in this future that I just made up, everything is terrible! So we should change."

Here's how she deals with the fact that Christmas isn't historically Christian: "Does that mean Christians won the war on Saturnalia? You bet! And that shows the power of new traditions to shape culture." This in a book about how the way Christmas is being shaped by modern culture is inherently evil!

And most importantly, she really wants to prove that belief in God makes one good and atheism makes one evil. "It was good Christians who opposed slavery and helped end segregation." And who was opposing them? Did I miss the part where a national coalition of atheists were pushing for slavery?

Stores need to say Merry Christmas because that's the true meaning of the season but buying things isn't the meaning of Christmas so it doesn't matter what stores say but it's really important to them that you acknowledge their religion because words matter but militant atheists shouldn't get so easily offended by some simple words like "merry Christmas".

Again, she's not evil, she's just suffering from a major case of the stupids. The fun thing about reading Palin's books is she spent her life in a town of 9,000 and she doesn't read the news. When she feels attacked by The War on Christmas, it's actually the horrible realization that other people exist laying siege to her mental walls.

“Racist aunt” - evidently he has experience with racists aunts - but I would like him to EXPLAIN where and why he gets the “racist” label for Sarah. Can’t do it? Then leave that out of your ignorant diatribe.

“Obamacare death panels” Which of those words is made up? Ohhh yes, “Obamacare” is a made up word...made up by the Obama administration. “Death” and “panels” are both words with real meaning and when put together they carry a warning...one that has been proven true; you ignorant mule.

“Lamestream media” - descriptive, accurate, and conveys a concept (the purpose of language). You, you ignorant slut, are Exhibit A.

(Speaking of made up words Suessian, anybody?)

“Liberal militant atheist secularists” - every one of those is an existing word...just because you don’t like the way they are put together and the meaning they convey, you IGNORANT “Liberal militant atheist secularist”, doesn’t make them meaningless or misused.

“...constitutional protection against establishment of state religion.” Your ignorance is BLAZING! The period belongs OUTSIDE the quotes, you ignorant media whore (insert quote by Dorothy Parker here). Besides, your statement shows your complete lack of understanding (a long phrase for ignorance) of the establishment clause.

“To celebrate the event (I guess?)...” YOU GUESS? It is perfectly OK for you to slime someone with your IGNORANT suppositions?? And you have the temerity (look it up) to criticize ANYBODY’S writing????

“Civil disobedience” is a perfect use for the situation. The phrase is not “civil lawbreaking” - you ignorant sow (apologies to honest sows everywhere). She disobeyed, in a civil way, all your politically correct guidelines, born of your ignorant and wrong assumptions about guns and gun ownership...which leads us to

“Buying a gun is both legal and dangerous” - POPPYCOCK! There is absolutely NO danger involved in buying a gun...unless you are buying it illegally - and you’ve already stated it was a legal purchase - you simpleton...no, simpletons have an excuse for their ignorance, you don’t!

“Her inability to use words correctly...” She has - as I have shown - used her words with accuracy and precision; which to those of us who are not of the lemmingnata (see how I made up that word to describe the mad rush of those, like you, who ignorantly fancy themselves to be superior to the rest of us - while exposing their crass inanity, stupidity, and inability for independent thought?) is the perfectly correct use of words. You, on the other hand...

You display your ignorance of the proper use of a colon when describing a list to follow - Sarah did it exactly right, you IGNORANTLY say it’s wrong.

“Jesusy” - made up words, anybody?

“One third of the book is her vision of Christmas Yet To Come, in which she details all the horrible things that have happened because we lost respect for Jesusy Christmas. ‘You guys, in this future that I just made up, everything is terrible! So we should change.’” Make your own tense there ignorant one? “Christmas Yet To Come” should give you a hint as to the tense...these things have not HAPPENED, you ignorant, sexist, racist tool, because they are “YET TO COME”. Evidently Sarah is MUCH brighter than you.

Saturnalia/Christian Christmas - well, ignorant scumbag, you make the fallacious assumption that Saturnalia and Christianity are both equal in terms of good and evil - so you obtusely and IGNORANTLY miss the whole point of her argument. Logic hint here - do not try to critique the logic of an argument you don’t understand.

“This one’s actually got a real name...” - oh, you mean you MADE UP the other words??? Hmmmmmm?

“Stores need to say Merry Christmas because that’s the true meaning of the season but buying things isn’t the meaning of Christmas so it doesn’t matter what stores say but it’s really important to them that you acknowledge their religion because words matter but militant atheists shouldn’t get so easily offended by some simple words like ‘merry Christmas’.” That there is a strawman argument right there. It’s a real word too, and it is a fallacy. In layman’s terms it is “putting words into someone’s mouth” - the hallmark of a liar, and an ignorant liar.

You are stupid, ignorant, dishonest and basically evil - if what you write is any window on your soul.

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