Posted on 02/16/2013 10:24:21 AM PST by John Semmens
The unusual resignation of Pope Benedict XVI launches the search for his successor. While he has no formal role in this process, President Obama has urged the Cardinals to select a “progressive.”
“The Catholic Church has a choice to make,” Obama said. “It can continue to promulgate out-moded ideas or it can get behind a program for a 21st century agenda.” Among the issues mentioned by the President for this “21st century agenda” were birth control and gay marriage.
“Over-population is placing an excessive burden on the planet’s resources,” Obama claimed. “To save the environment we must reduce the human footprint. Birth control is an essential measure for achieving this goal. Since we cannot effectively intervene in humans’ sexual activities we can at least interdict the consequences by making birth control and abortion convenient and inexpensive. The person who is chosen to lead the Catholic Church should get on-board with our efforts to accomplish this.”
“Gay marriage complements the drive to reduce human reproduction,” Obama added. “These marriages can’t produce children. By increasing the frequency of such unions we would simultaneously be acknowledging the right of same-sex couples to enjoy the sacraments of marriage while diverting them from reproductive sexual intercourse. It seems to me that a doctrinal change along these lines could also provide the Church with a way out of some of the sex scandals that have plagued it in recent years.”
President Obama’s remarks did receive some encouragement from the Government of China. “We think he is on the right track,” said President Hu Jintao. “Ideally, all religious posts ought to be cleared for compatibility with ruling secular authorities. In China it is simple. We appoint the Catholic bishops. Globally, some sort of international vetting is needed—perhaps through the United Nations.”
To assist the Church in finding a “progressive” Pope, President Obama is reported to have forwarded a list of what he considers “acceptable candidates.”
if you missed any of this week's other semi-news/semi-satire posts you can find them at...
http://azconservative.org/2013/02/16/cnn-pundit-declares-rubios-presidential-ambitions-finished/
The “reverend” Wright? Jesse Jackson? The thug in charge of Hezbellah? The thug in charge of Hamas? Nancy Pelosi?
Actually, Obama thinks that abortion is a lot more fun than birth control. Especially when it's carried out after the child is born. He voted for it three times.
God willing, the Catholic Church will choose the very opposite!
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