Posted on 10/05/2012 6:43:15 AM PDT by pabianice
In a startling development, the Federal Health and Human Services Department announced this morning that the average life expectancy of Americans has jumped to 98, a 29% increase since 1983.
HHS Secretary Kathleen Sebelius, in an unscheduled news conference this morning, addressed a crowd of reporters and health professionals.
"We are proud to announce that as a result of President Obama's and First Lady Michelle's efforts over the past four years, the average life expectancy has risen 29%, to the age of 98. Programs to ban large soft drinks, force school children to eat arugala, close-down Chick-fil-A restaurants, and add a new healthcare premium for people who are overweight have paid off."
Questions from reporters about this figure being possible because young people who are out of work are no longer being counted in the population were not answered.
"We are embarking upon a promising new future," said Sebelius. "We expect the average age of Americans to rise to 120 with the expected reelection of President Obama."
Breaking...
Ah, never mind. After reading through a bit more I noticed the “source” wasn’t the actual source, just a false attribution.
Look at the Sebelius quote, this is satire.
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