They Weren’t On Good Terms

I was recently asked to pray about the death of a woman’s sister. I had not known the person who died, but because the tragic circumstances of this family’s loss are all too common, I feel compelled to write on the subject of death. Out of respect for their privacy, I will not identify them. But their situation is universal, and my message is for everyone.

The woman was in declining health. By the time her sister got there, she had passed away. There was no time left to say good-bye; no time left to say I love you, I forgive you … will you forgive me? When life ends, we no longer have such opportunities. Life is dynamic and full of conflicts. And it is while we still live that we are able to resolve them.

There is no pain harder to bear than when we are hurt by a loved one. Perhaps it is the deep pain that makes us want to never see that person again. I remember as a small child being so angry that my mother had sent me to my room as punishment that I cried out, “I hope I die! Then you’ll be sorry!” Thinking about it now, it’s laughable, but at that time, in my childish emotion, I was willing to forever end any relationship with my mother.

It’s that kind of anger we feel when we’re hurt by family or friends. When we’re young, we get over it faster. Normally, emotions like anger are short-lived. We forget and forgive. Eventually, we learn to function in society by being polite, respectful and using self-control. But even as adults, we remain vulnerable to our loved ones. They are supposed to love and respect us, and we them. But if they are careless, they can hurt us (or we them) deeper than the meanest stranger.

When that happens, it is not uncommon for one (or both) to disown the other. “I never want to see you again” becomes, in effect, a mantra of death. There is no resolution, no healing — just permanent separation. Perhaps, if we are willing to admit it, there is a small part of us that thinks someday the other person will come to us and apologize. Then we’ll forgive them, but not until then. That, of course, is the child within us, refusing to let our emotions decrease over time.

Unfortunately, as adults, our pride will not often let us back down, once we’ve already said something we regret. So we put it out of our minds, and before we realize it, the years have come and gone. Eventually, we reach the day when the physical death of a loved one is only a cruel echo of the death of the relationship that ended long ago. And though we may feel guilt, expiation seems impossible. We are torn, wanting to be forgiven by the dead.

There is a reason for this. In Matthew 5:22, Jesus warned, “But I say to you that everyone who is angry with his brother* will be liable to judgment…” (ESV). The asterisk indicates a note that says some manuscripts have the added phrase, “without cause”. But as most of us insist there is just cause for our anger, this does little to clarify the meaning. Defining anger is of critical importance, because if nothing more than a passing emotion is a sin equal to murder, then we are all no better than murderers.

In my opinion, The Complete Jewish Bible (CJB) nails the meaning of this verse. It says, “But I tell you that anyone who nurses anger against his brother will be subject to judgement…”, clearly pointing out this kind of anger is not a passing emotion, but a sustained attitude, similar to hatred. I can be angry with my wife for a short while, but in the long run, because I love her I don’t nurse my anger. I let it go. The Bible gives us instruction in this.

Psalm 4:5(4) (CJB) reads, “You can be angry, but do not sin! Think about this as you lie in bed, and calm down.” Again, this translation nails it because it admits that the emotion of anger is a normal thing that we can learn to deal with by thinking about it and calming down. We do not need to feel guilty for experiencing moments of anger. But we are held accountable for hurtful actions our sustained anger can motivate. And beyond being accountable to those we hurt, we are even more accountable to God.

This brings me to the heart of my message. The death of a loved one has left someone in despair. They feel a sense of guilt that can’t be forgiven. I am utterly amazed at how in times of their greatest need, many so-called believers resign themselves to the spiritual paralysis of depression or regret, not believing they can find resolution and healing — afraid to seek out the very one who could help them. To them I am saying you still — always — can turn to God.

Turn to God. It was not God who let you down. Chances are, though, it may have been religion that made you go your own way — a church, a pastor, someone who stirred up division. But he loves you just as much as always. He knows you and wants to comfort you. He isn’t malevolent, just looking for the chance to knock you down. There is a reason they say as long as there is life, there is hope. It ain’t over ’til it’s over. God patiently waits. When death strikes near us, we need to reach out to God. We need to take his hand because he is bigger, stronger and greater than death. We need to turn to God.

Because of Christ’s death on the cross, believers are not condemned for their sins. But when we do sin, we need to make a clean breast of it (1 John 1:9). We all make mistakes. God just wants us to acknowledge our sin, and then turn away from it. He doesn’t want us to continue living in sinful patterns, but to learn to live righteously. That’s called growing in grace. That’s the opposite of a life characterized by sinfulness.

Galatians 5:19-26 compares acts of the sinful nature to living in the Spirit, saying in verse 21, “…those who live like this [sinners] will not inherit the kingdom of God.” This means selling out to their sin, continuing to practice it, rather than turning it over to God. 1 John:3:9 (NIV) says it this way: “No one who is born of God will continue to sin, because God’s seed remains in him; he cannot go on sinning, because he has been born of God.” If you feel that twinge of guilt, turn to God. He won’t condemn you.

In the midst of death and sorrow God provides a new tomorrow. Be not burdened down with sin, Find new life and joy with him.

I’m very sorry for your situation. I don’t know if you are familiar with Dennis Prager, but he has spoken on this topic MANY times on his radio show. Here’s a column from 2011 about it:

Dennis Prager: Adults who do not speak to a parent

http://www.jewishjournal.com/articles/print/adults_who_do_not_speak_to_a_parent_20110719/

For two decades I have been on a crusade: to convince adults who have cut off all communication with a parent to re-establish contact.

Through my radio show, which deals as much with personal issues as with politics, I became aware of something that, as a parent, I view as a nightmare: children who voluntarily disappear from a parent’s life.

The pain I heard in the voices of parents whose son or daughter had ceased speaking to them broke my heart. In some ways, I would imagine, the pain can be more difficult to handle than the death of a child. It is, after all, a form of death, but it has the added pain of having been deliberately inflicted upon the parent. And in the case of grandparents whose adult children have severed all communication, they not only lose all contact with their child, but with their grandchildren as well — something that is not the case when an adult child dies.

While I can imagine situations in which there is a moral justification for cutting off all contact with a parent, those situations are rare. Beyond the parent who presents a physical threat to the child or who has a history — a real history, not a “recovered memory” induced by a psychotherapist — of sexual molestation or serious physical abuse, it is very difficult to imagine a situation in which never communicating with a parent is justifiable.

On one of my radio shows on this topic, I asked adults who have ceased speaking to a parent to call in. One woman in her late 20s, a resident of Santa Monica, told me that she had not contacted her mother in nearly 10 years. I asked the woman if her mother had molested or beaten her. On the contrary, she told me — not only had her mother never done such things, she had always shown her love.

I was, needless to say, mystified.

“So why don’t you talk to her?” I asked

“Because she has a very dominating personality,” the caller responded. “And if I let her in my life, she will dominate it.”

I suspected the influence of another person in her life, so I asked if she was seeing a psychotherapist. When she answered yes, I asked her what her therapist thought of her not speaking to her mother; she responded that her therapist was completely supportive of this decision.

Having dealt with this issue for so long, here are some conclusions I have reached.

In the majority of cases, children who have cut off all contact with a parent are engaged in an act that is so hurtful, it borders on evil.

And if this decision is abetted by one’s psychotherapist, that therapist is an accessory to a moral crime. He or she is also probably an incompetent therapist. The easiest things for a therapist to do are to affirm a patient’s sense of victimhood and to approve of selfish decisions of the patient, even when those decisions hurt others.

Just as good religion makes people better people and bad religion makes people worse people, good therapy makes people better and bad therapy makes people worse. Unfortunately, there is a lot of bad religion and there is a lot of bad therapy.

There is an additional danger to cutting off all contact with a parent: How will people who do this feel after their parent dies? The importance of having made some peace with a parent before he or she dies is difficult to overstate. I know women who were sexually abused by their father but who, as adults, have not completely cut themselves off from him — solely to ensure their own inner peace after he dies.

Also, parents who do not speak with their own parent(s) might consider what sort of model they present to their children about how to treat a parent.

This painful subject is one of the many reasons I so strongly affirm a God-based and Torah-based values system. The great majority of human beings go through a difficult period with one or both of their parents, a period when anger or even hatred is greater than love for a parent. I am convinced that it is for that reason — the complex nature of many people’s feelings toward their parents — that the Torah avoids commanding that we love our father and mother. We are commanded to love the stranger, to love God and to love our neighbor, but we are not commanded to love our parents.

But we are commanded to honor our parents. In other words, even if we hate our parents, with rare exceptions, we must still honor them. Honoring them means, at the very least, staying in contact with them.

I wish a study would be conducted of a thousand adult children who have chosen to break off all contact with a parent to reveal how many of them believe in the Ten Commandments as a God-given document. My suspicion is that very few of them do. If I am wrong, however, if religious Jews and religious Christians are just as likely to cut off all contact with a parent as are irreligious people, then I would have to conclude that Judaism and Christianity, whatever benefits they may offer the individual, are morally largely worthless.

The greatest message of Judaism is to act nobly even when one doesn’t feel like doing so. If one cannot do this with regard to one of the Ten Commandments, that message has truly been lost.

And, speaking Jewishly, it is better to eat pork on Yom Kippur than to destroy a mother or father.

Something that proved to be very useful to me in a "strained relationship with a close family member" particularly after they've slipped over and no forgiveness was asked or offered - has been ambivalence.

It was so simple, it was too simple, if you know what I mean.

Most people, those few who ever actually claim to be "ambivalent" use the word to mean "I don't care one way or t'other. But it's a more powerful concept than that. It means, of course, love and hate. Love can't unconsciously abide hatred, and we so often feel powerful hatred for those we love the most because we love them so much.

As Paul once cautioned, as an aside (and paraphrase), 'I'm writing as man and not as God considers the situation'

Our loved ones fall short of our ideals, displaying for all the world to see those character traits we most suppress. The only persons we are capable of hating more intensely is ourselves.

Accepting that we are set into wrestling with out emotions by having become ambivalent toward another is quite liberating. Hatred can't abide love, and, again, love can't abide hatred. But that conflict gradually disappears when love (as it should) no longer goes into suppression mode when hatred surfaces, and hatred dissipates and allows love to show forth.

Without consciously accepting ambivalence, the two passions can stay at odds with one another, stifling forgiveness and fostering feelings of guilt (as opposed to the state of true moral guilt, a state of being and not an emotion.)

I hope I didn't over-complicate the simple with this sketch.

I know I need to tread carefully here. My experience is just that. It most certainly doesn’t represent every other FReeper’s. Please forgive me if I step on some toes here; it’s not my intent. But, there is another side when it comes to cutting off contact with a family member.

This is an area I’ve spent a bit of time studying. I’ve “talked” (via the web) and read a bit about it. I know maybe two handsful of people who’ve made the painful choice to cut off communication between themselves and a parent or other family member.

Few did it without a lot of thought and soul-searching. Most, like myself, antagonized over it for months or years before making a decision they didn’t want to make, but did so because they truly felt it was best for themselves and/or their family. As well, most thought long and hard about what would happen when that family member died or other tragedy struck.

No doubt there are people who rashly make a decision and find themselves trapped in their own stubbornness, or who do so for selfish motives. I have no idea where most people who cut off contact fall, but I do know that there are at least a small segment who do so for reasons other than wanting to inflict pain on others.

Not all mothers or fathers are loving, even if they never physically or sexually abuse their children. Some parents, despite having not killed or abused their offspring, simply do not make acceptable grandparents. Some family members refuse to observe standards of decent behavior.

I feel for those who have loved ones who choose to cut ties. Were either of my children to make that decision, I would be devastated. The grief would be unspeakable.

Oddly enough, the Bible lesson I’m studying this week is on forgiveness. Part of it is on how to handle it when the offending party won’t repent and/or seek renewal of the relationship. The term used is “release” rather than forgiveness since granting forgiveness requires the person to seek it. The one who is wronged is called to release the person who wronged them, to free themselves from dwelling on the wrong. From my reading of scripture this is biblical.

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