(AoftheAP)An animal-rights activist from southern California has demanded that the Catholic Church force the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse to give up their steeds, charging the Quartet of Quietus with animal abuse.
Reggie Tarrion, a 28-year old Long Beach resident and the PETA member (and former Catholic altar boy) who came up with the protest, describes the thrust of this latest demonstration.
"Like, these guys at the end of the world, you know? They're like, being mean to the horses and stuff. Have you ever seen pictures of those horses? They're like, scared and kinda scrawny, and there's one that looks like it's, you know, dead or something."
Traditional art of the Four Horsemen shows each as a different color: red, white, black and pale. The red horse rider is War; white, Pestilence; black, Famine; and pale, Death. Some interpret the pale color of Death's horse as resembling the appearance of a recently-deceased corpse.
One of the most famous depictions is that by Viktor Vasnetsov (below), painted in the late 19th century.
(Source)
"Look at those horses. You can see the fear in their eyes, you know, and how they're nervous and stuff. Why do they need to have horses anyway, you know?" Tarrion asked. "Why can't they, like, use bikes or Segways, or something?"
A Vatican spokesman declined to comment on PETA's new demand, explaining that they have enough to do "in handling real problems in the Church and the world and don't have time to respond to the ramblings of every insane nutcase."
The Four Horsemen, however, called a press conference to address the call to give up their horses. Famine denied the charges levied at them by Tarrion and PETA.
"Listen, we take good care of the horses. Well, maybe Death doesn't, but let's be honest - he's Death. If you think his horse looks bad, you should see his yard. It's awful."
Pestilence added: "It's like this. We don't know when we're going to be called upon, so it's incumbent on us to be prepared. The horses are well taken care of and not neglected, and they look forward to ushering in the end times."
Despite their claims, Tarrion is undeterred. "There are a lot of, like, Retirement Horse Farms out there, that would, you know, take these horses in a heartbeat. These horses deserve better than to be, like, forced to kill people. It's traumatic for them. It just isn't right."
PETA remains resolved to keeping the pressure on the fearsome foursome. They're recruiting several Hollywood stars to help promote this cause, including the Budweiser Clydesdales, Pokey (Gumby's horse pal), and Gus, the mule who kicked field goals.
The Four Horsemen were unimpressed. "Big whoop," War said. "Any horse can follow a script - but it takes an equine of unequaled skill to gallop across the sky and strike fear in the hearts of sinners. My message to PETA is this: no horses will be harmed in the production of the apocalypse. I can't make the same guarantee for mankind."
Death was less diplomatic. "I look forward to the day when I can crush that greasy-haired tofu-chewing Tarrion kid beneath the fury of my horse's pounding hooves. Muwah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!"
Upon being told Death's statement, Tarrion ran to his mom's house and hid in the basement.