Quick-Thinking Army Doctors Tried to Save Al-Zarqawi with Manual Prostate Exam

Potfry.com ^ | 6/12/06 | Potfry

[StoneGiant]

Monday, June 12, 2006

Quick-Thinking Army Doctors Tried to Save Al-Zarqawi with Manual Prostate Exam





Medical records indicate that Army doctors who tended to Abu Musab al-Zarqawi in his final minutes bravely tried to save the terror mastermind with a series of prostate and colon exams they thought might reveal the true extent of his injuries.

"Since there were no real external injuries, we had to make some quick decisions about what we were dealing with," said Army Field Surgeon Sgt. Cal Harper. "We voted, and it was unanimous: a rectal exam was the logical first step. "

"It became clear once we got a good grip on his prostate that we were in the right area, because he was in quite a bit of pain," said Harper. "He was hollering Allah-this and Allah-that. But we were still unsure. We needed to dive a little deeper, so to speak, but we did not bring the field colonoscopy kit. Given the circumstances and Mr. al-Zarqawi's predicament, we needed to improvise."

Using a rusted jeep antenna and some gasoline, the quick-thinking medics were able to get a better sense of the extent of damage in the terrorist's colon.

"We were pretty sure we'd found the problem when he began to scream in perfect English "FOR THE LOVE OF GOD I'LL GIVE YOU BIN LADEN JUST TAKE THAT THING OUT OF ME,' said Harper. "Unfortunately, though, it was too late. He died shortly thereafter."

The lesson wasn't lost on the Army medic, however.

"Even if you're a terrorist, you need to have regular colon exams," he said. "I'm just glad we were able to help him in his final moments."

[Meadow Muffin]

I thought that was what the 2 500 lb bombs were for....

[KoRn]

" "Even if you're a terrorist, you need to have regular colon exams," he said. "I'm just glad we were able to help him in his final moments.""

ROFL!!

[ClearCase_guy]

This won't last long, I'm thinking.

[Nachum]

In before the ZOT.

[TheClintons-STILLAnti-American]

"Even if you're a terrorist, you need to have regular colon exams," he said. "I'm just glad we were able to help him in his final moments."

Maybe these guys can set up shop at the DNC.

They'd no doubt find quite a few heads during those exams.

[Boazo]

Here is the actual device used on the Zar man.

[blu]

But it's so funny! Let's leave it! I know, it's not in step with our current "sensitive" military, but it's good!

[potlatch]

LOL, thankfully I'LL never have to go through that, but hope they put some pig fat on that glove first!

[Redleg Duke]

I agree. Better yet, can someone post it over on DU?

[muawiyah]

For "field proctocsocpic exams" I'd encourage use of hte "Jaws of Life".

[reagan_fanatic]

Using a rusted jeep antenna and some gasoline, the quick-thinking medics were able to get a better sense of the extent of damage in the terrorist's colon.

ROTFLMAO!! Thanks for the belly laugh!

[Smartass]

LOL, that's funny. I'll pass too Potlatch.
Maybe they should perform a destructive test on Murtha or Kerry?

 

[Darksheare]

LOL!

That's what six inch diameter drainage PVC pipe is for!

[potlatch]

You'd have to catch them first!!

[Rummyfan]

Bump!

[finnman69]

bwaahahahaha

hopefully it was an M-4 carbine rectal exam.