Posted on 01/08/2006 4:15:59 AM PST by ScubieNuc
Midlife Conundrum
How does it happen? You marry your High School sweetheart, get a dependable job, do all the “right things”, and you still get a nagging feeling that something about you is dieing?
I shouldn’t feel this way. I am blessed beyond what I deserve. I have smart, beautiful, healthy kids. I have a wife that loves me. I am a respected member of my community, and yet I feel in a rut.
Two thoughts come to mind….First one is call the “Whaaaambulance”, suck it up, and quit whining. Problem with that is that the "dieing in a rut" feeling doesn’t go away, it gets worse.
Second thought is to tell my wife about this. Problem with that is that she has lost her self confidence and will regress into a belief that she has failed me, and shut down in a “woe is me” fit.
Obviously, there are many reasons for this growing impasse. Some of my problems are tied to the fact that I am not a romantic cuss. I hate Valentines day, I don’t get excited about mine or others birthdays, I don’t memorize anniversary details, I laugh during sappy movies, and I believe in practical gifts instead of sappy gifts.
I figured that substance over flash would win out, but I am finding out that is not always the case. While I’m trying to do more flash, it seems fake. I’m sure that there is more that I’m missing about my faults, but my main point is that I know that I have things to work on to improve our relationship.
I know that one of our problems centers around…..Gasp, sex. I always have to instigate. It is beginning to feel as though I’m her slave. I put my feelings out there to get them shot down at least 60% of the time. Since she doesn’t instigate, it feels as though she doesn’t get excited by me. She thinks instigating is facing me in bed, or a longer kiss at bed time. Those are just signals that she is interested, but it definitely isn’t pursuing me. We have talked about this but nothing has changed. The problem now is that I am becoming less and less interested in instigating, which means less and less sex. Less sex has lowered her self esteem, which means even a lower chance of her instigating. I am beginning to see a seriously bad downward spiral.
The main reason I putting this out there is that maybe talking about it, will help me find some tools or encouragement to save my marriage. I am being drawn toward the allure of something more exciting, but I don’t want to ruin what I have or what my wife and kids have. I truly love my wife and kids, but I yearn deeply to have that newlywed excitement again and to feel desired. I don’t want to do what is wrong. Help!
Bought a sporstcar I could afford, married a redneck woman and began writing gritty novels.
Simple. Love is not a feeling, love is a verb followed by feelings. The action you take is being interested in the activities of the other person. If you were identical, one of you would be unnecessary.
My husband and I are very different. He is Mr. Command, take charge, get it done. Likes hunting, fishing, guns, older country music, mountains, cold weather, what you see is what you get, paper plates, plastic cups. I am quiet and reserved. I paint, write, sew, garden, cook, read, and like hot weather and the ocean; I am a "still waters", use the good china kind of person. Yet we have been married 31 years next week, and known each other 33 years. It CAN be done.
Spice it up.
Surprise her, it sounds like your life has become a bit routine. Take her out for dinner and a movie or a picnic and a lovely walk.
Talk to her. And really listen.
Try something new in the bedroom. She may just be pleasantly surprised.
Sounds like your running/exercising keeps you in shape, whereas you feel that she has "let herself go". Don't ever let her know you are bothered by that, rub her back, hug her, kiss her, let her know that she is still beautiful to you. Perhaps her self esteem will rise a little and she will want to get herself into shape. You can't force someone to do that but you can help make her feel good about herself.
Make breakfast or dinner once in a while. Do the dishes and mop the kitchen floor after dinner with no comment or looking for praise. Most of my friends agree, the best foreplay is seeing hubby with his hands in the sink washing the dinner dishes every so often. Take on some of the chores once in a while, tell her to go take a nice hot bath and after a while, arrive with a glass of wine or two and ask to join her. ;-)
Just be thoughtful and surprising and let the rest happen. Good luck!
Very sound advice.
Two words: Date night. Put as much thought and planning into it as you did this post. Go out on date nights once a month. Make the planning and date as fun and exciting as possible. Believe me this will spill over into the rest of the month. Nothing makes a woman feel (still) desirable than a little effort shown by her husband of many years. My husband and I, of 24 years, still have date nights, still hold hands, etc;)
The possibility of dying at any moment adds a certain spice/intensity/focus to life. If you said every good bye, made every kiss, etc. like it was/could be your final one, your life would be different.
IOW, buy a 'vette...
That is so true.
You guys sound very similar to me and my wife. Thanks for the words of encouragement, and congratulations on your long marriage! It truely is an accomplishment, as I am learning.
You don't have a mother, mother-in-law, sister, good friend, etc..?? Geesh! You're looking for excuses!
<< Call Dr. Laura.
That b*tch knows e v e r y t h i n g . >>
Maybe I should take up cyber-counseling. The going rate is $95/hr. Between that and offering to marry the guy on the other thread for $1,000/week and cyber-tours of the Alamo, I could be set.
OTOH maybe I'm delusional, or just caffeine depraved deprived.
If you want a great marriage....yes. The happiest, and most lasting marriages I know of are the ones in which the man recognizes that his own happiness is completely dependent upon that of his wife. They are also marriages in which both spouses understand God's plan for marriage. Others have spoken of intimacy. "Sex" for its own sake is spiritual junk food that tastes good at the time, but an hour later, you're hungry again. Intimacy, on the other hand, with or without sex, nourishes the the soul of the marriage and continues to satisfy long after the moment has passed; a deep and lasting satisfaction that permeates every other part of your lives. The scriptures talk about delighting in the wife of your youth. It mentions nothing of how to get her to have sex with you, but instructs you not to withhold yourself from her. When was the last time your soul delighted in your wife?
If you can't afford a 'vette... you can't afford a mid-life crisis.
It sounds like you're looking for excuses. You said you are involved in your church. My experience with church is that couples whose marriages work take time for each other. Are there no other couples in your church who have kids? Don't your kids have friends or relatives with whom they could do a monthly overnight? Maybe you could work out a co-op type thing with one or more other couples...they take the kids one night and you and your wife take their kids on another night. Everybody wins.
Like I said before...small church, small community. Believe it or not, three kids now days seems to be a big number. My pastor has 5, but dumping my kids on his lap would difinately overload him. Most of our friends have one or two kids. Unfortunately, there is no one family that all three of my kids enjoy all of there kids.
Like I said in a different response, I know it isn't impossible. I will make it a mission of mine to find someway to get all of the kids being watched by someone. Both my wife and I love our kids dearly and don't like doling them out, but maybe its time we made us a little bit higher of a priority.
Thanks for you input.
Yep, my fella likes physical activity vacations, which are NOT my idea of fun. Last summer, we traipsed across Yellowstone with all our children and grandchildren. Going back next week to ski and snowmobile, this time no kids. This summer will go somewhere warm with blue water (I like that, he doesn't particularly.)
"You're looking for excuses!"
I started noticing that too!
Makes me wonder if he has already "given up" and plans to move on, but this little FR thread is a "check the box" action, similar to the spouse who goes to marriage counseling just to be able to say during the divorce "I TRIED to make it work, I even tried counseling."
Hope I'm wrong.
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