Posted on 01/08/2006 4:15:59 AM PST by ScubieNuc
Midlife Conundrum
How does it happen? You marry your High School sweetheart, get a dependable job, do all the “right things”, and you still get a nagging feeling that something about you is dieing?
I shouldn’t feel this way. I am blessed beyond what I deserve. I have smart, beautiful, healthy kids. I have a wife that loves me. I am a respected member of my community, and yet I feel in a rut.
Two thoughts come to mind….First one is call the “Whaaaambulance”, suck it up, and quit whining. Problem with that is that the "dieing in a rut" feeling doesn’t go away, it gets worse.
Second thought is to tell my wife about this. Problem with that is that she has lost her self confidence and will regress into a belief that she has failed me, and shut down in a “woe is me” fit.
Obviously, there are many reasons for this growing impasse. Some of my problems are tied to the fact that I am not a romantic cuss. I hate Valentines day, I don’t get excited about mine or others birthdays, I don’t memorize anniversary details, I laugh during sappy movies, and I believe in practical gifts instead of sappy gifts.
I figured that substance over flash would win out, but I am finding out that is not always the case. While I’m trying to do more flash, it seems fake. I’m sure that there is more that I’m missing about my faults, but my main point is that I know that I have things to work on to improve our relationship.
I know that one of our problems centers around…..Gasp, sex. I always have to instigate. It is beginning to feel as though I’m her slave. I put my feelings out there to get them shot down at least 60% of the time. Since she doesn’t instigate, it feels as though she doesn’t get excited by me. She thinks instigating is facing me in bed, or a longer kiss at bed time. Those are just signals that she is interested, but it definitely isn’t pursuing me. We have talked about this but nothing has changed. The problem now is that I am becoming less and less interested in instigating, which means less and less sex. Less sex has lowered her self esteem, which means even a lower chance of her instigating. I am beginning to see a seriously bad downward spiral.
The main reason I putting this out there is that maybe talking about it, will help me find some tools or encouragement to save my marriage. I am being drawn toward the allure of something more exciting, but I don’t want to ruin what I have or what my wife and kids have. I truly love my wife and kids, but I yearn deeply to have that newlywed excitement again and to feel desired. I don’t want to do what is wrong. Help!
True enough. That can happen. My husband and I spend a lot of time sitting right next to each other staring at our dang screens! And I'm worse than he is about too much posting on FR.
Well, it's not for everyone. But maybe an affair with your wife is exactly what you need. Passion and surprise.
As Python (Monty) once said: "And now for something completely different."
Nope, just the ones about our relationship and its problems. (Girlfriend, not wife.) We all have secrets about ourselves, but if there is a problem that's not being discussed, it's still a problem. When we both know it and we aren't talking about it, it jsut gets worse.
Everything you said is sooooo true!
My husband and I laugh because we are NOT spontaneous when it comes to sex. We both insist on being freshly showered, my legs must be shaved, teeth brushed, etc.
Nothing kills the mood quicker for me than B.O. We are NOT one of those couples who jumps each other after a sweaty workout, that is for sure.
That is a COOL idea!
I think I'll do something like that on my next vacation with hubby.
So am I to understand that women (generally speaking of course) love spontaneous acts of romance, but not spontaneous acts of affection (sex).
And men (generally speaking) love spontaneous acts of affection (sex), but dislike performing acts of spontaneous acts of romance.
Does God have a sense of humor or what!
You have that right!
It's a remarkably innefficient system, isn't it?
I'm not ready to call it inefficient, yet. Like one poster said, if both of us were the same, then one of us is redundant. (Or something like that)
It is certainly a system that requires us to exercise faith, which was probably one of the main goals.
If only it could be easier to figure out sometimes.
8^)
Taking walks together is such a good idea. Mr. TMG and I enjoy that too. We are also dog lovers. I also think that couples who share a good sense of humor find it easier to get through the rough times.
A few questions for you. Does your wife have a job/hobby outside of the home? Does she ever get time to herself away from the kids? You mentioned her having low self confidence. Have you encouraged her to take a healthy cooking class with a girlfriend? Or have you maybe taken the kids away from the house for a day and let her have a day completely to her self?
Maybe she just needs a little time away from being wife/mom 24/7. Then maybe time spent together will be a little more fun. Be spontaneous. Tell everyone to pack an overnight bag and go to the local hotel with an indoor pool and play for a day. Eat take-out pizza in the room. Anything! Just get out of the rut you are in.
Oh! Don't forget to pray. A lot! :o)
Good luck to you!
One last thought.
Try sending her e-mail love notes. Nothing long or complicated. Just something to let her know you are thinking about her during the day. Maybe a link to a travel website or vacation spot with a sentence saying you wish you were there with her right then! Or join her in a chat room. Conversations tend to get a little spicier if you're not facing each other!
That reminds me of an "All in the Family" episode when Gloria came home with a short brunette wig she had borrowed from a friend. The new look got Meathead all excited and they went up to their bedroom. When Gloria came out of the bathroom with her negligee on but without the brunette wig, Meathead asked her if she could put the wig back on.
Gloria then burst into tears and locked herself in the bathroom crying about how Meathead was a sicko who wanted to have an affair with another woman without having to feel guilty about cheating on his wife.
You seem to be getting a lot of advice to buy yourself a 'vette. The real answer is:
Buy your wife a Corvette. The sex will follow.
I'll second that one! Great advice!! :o)
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