DUmmie FUnnies 12-30-05 (Pied PIper Pitt's Fictional Response To DUmmie FUnnies)

Talk about Reality Challenged DUmmies! First William Rivers (Pied Piper) Pitt posts this Reality Challenged THREAD titled, "Going Too Far (or, my conversation with the Bush supporter at the bar)" in which he was MIRACULOUSLY able to reproduce in word-for-word detail a long conversation he had with Ty, whom Pitt described as a Bush supporter who, under the guidance of the All-Wise and erudite Pitt, was able to see the error of his ways. Maybe I am far inferior to the incredible Pitt intellect but, sans tape recorder, I would be hard pressed to reproduce in quotes a long conversation I had even a few minutes earlier, much less from a least a day before as Pitt indicated. Even some DUmmies cast aspersions on Pitt's claim of being able to reproduce his conversation in all its fine detail. Then late last night, Pitt posted a reality challenged (fictional) account of what transpired between us in this DUmmie THREAD titled, in Pittian style, "In the shadow of staggering assholes." Pied Piper Pitt's fictional fantasies are in Bolshevik Red while the commentary of your humble correspondent, about to correct the fictional record, is in the [brackets]:

FOR THE RECORD: I say "Some DUer" in the post below because he introduced himself on the phone with a DU screen name. I will not repeat it; I don't know if this person is a banned former member or what, but regardless, I am not going to make Captain Ass any more famous. Don't ask who it was, either in this thread or via PM. I will not say. Sufficed to say, the following did happen, and the person was a present or former DUer.

[Congratulations for getting to the fiction RIGHT AWAY. FOR THE RECORD: I am not now nor have I ever been a DUmmie. And "DUmmie FUnnies" which is how I introduced myself, is a DUmmie screen name?]

Y'all maybe saw the essay I put up here yesterday, about my conversation with the bouncer at my bar:

["Y'all." Isn't that the type of terminology you ascribe to unenlightened Bush supporters in stark contrast to your own erudite commentary?]

Well, some folks in the thread I put up on this doubted that it was true. That's fine. I laid a challenge on the table: Ten thousand dollars says anyone can come to Boston, meet this guy, and hear from him that what I wrote was true. If I lied, I pay. If I spoke true, they pay. Strangely, no one took me up on it. Go figure.

[Why go to the trouble of hopping a flight to Boston? Making a phone call is a bit easier.]

Today, apparently, some DUer who doesn't much like me decided to go a different route. I didn't name the bar I go to in the piece, but this DUer knew which one it was. That means, probably, that he came to Boston for the DNC and I took him into the bosom of my hospitality, brought him to my bar, bought him beers, etc.

[LOL! The fictional assumptions in that paragraph are astounding. First of all, I have never even been to Boston ever plus, I assure you I am not now nor have I ever been in the DNC. As to the "bosom of your hospitality..." Sorry, I don't swing that way.]

This DUer called Ty AT WORK to pester him about the substance of the essay. Demanded to read the essay to him on the phone, so he could ask if the quotes were accurate. Demanded and demanded and demanded, as if he had a right to f*ck with this guy at work.

[Actually, inspired by YOUR challenge, I called a couple of Boston establishments asking if a Ty or someone from New Orleans worked there. Two to be exact. Both told me no Ty worked there. End of conversation. Oh, and I checked my cell phone log and the total elapsed time of the call to the bar where Ty did work act was exactly 36 seconds. Hardly time to Demand and demand and demand. An account of those phone calls was posted on this Free Republic THREAD at Reply #72 right after they happened.]

[Yes. And I always enjoy the break from the routine it affords me. Of course, I never actually talked to Ty when I made those first two calls.]

Add to that the rules of this place of work: Personal calls are for emergency use only. So my boy winds up getting talked to by his two bosses because this DUer called and pushed, and pushed, and pushed, to talk to Ty.

[I asked if Ty or someone from New Orleans worked there. When told no, I hung up. Total elapsed phone time according to my cell phone log was 36 seconds. "Pushed, and pushed, and pushed, and pushed?" Perhaps in your fictional alternate reality, Pitt.]

Because this DUer fancies himself a writer in his own right. But rather than carve out a place for himself the hard way like I did through hard work, dilligence, truth-telling and the development of sources over ten years, this DUer wanted to take a shortcut. He called Ty to try to get him to say I lied in my story.

[Actually Ty called ME back later as I recounted immediately afterward in my Reply #111 in this Free Republic THREAD. He had NOT heard about your piece about him and was curious for me to read it to him. He even waited until I booted up my computer. Since the connection was bad, Ty told me he would call back later on a landline so he could hear the rest of the piece. Oh, and that part about "truth telling" by Pitt gave me a chuckle.]

In other words, this DUer tried to crawl up over my back, tried to get immediately famous by "exposing" me. That way, he could write about it and make a splash.

[You've already been exposed MANY times in your own words here on the DUmmie FUnnies, Pitt. My fave was the bit about a fascistic "Third American Empire" and how rampant fanatical nationalism was born the day the USA won the 1980 Olympic Hockey Game against the Soviet Union.]

Too bad for him, though, that the story was true. Ty had his number from the earlier call, and I called this asshat back, and handed the phone to Ty. Ty said, "Every word Will wrote was truth. He quoted me exactly. I don't need motherf*ckers calling me at work. F*ck off."

[WRONG AGAIN, Baked Bean Breath! You called me back and told me Ty was standing next to you when I asked if he was there. Then you REFUSED to let me read to Ty word for word your own piece. Get your fictional narrative straight, Pitt. Oh, and here is the account at Reply #129 at this FR THREAD immediately after you called me. Five minutes later (according to phone log) I called you back and Ty in that timeframe had somehow miraculously read that piece at the bar which sparked my skeptical antenna. An account of this posted immediately afterwards in my Reply #143 on this FR THREAD.]

I got back on the phone with this poor excuse for a poop, and he tries to grill me on ANSWER, tries to grill me on impeachment, tries to pry a story out of his failed attempt to f*ck with my friend. After I finished yelling at him, he said, "Well, I have a lot of good material now." It was pathetic.

[Not as pathetic as your claim that even though you admitted that PDA worked with A.N.S.W.E.R. to organize the September Rally, you yourself NEVER EVER had any dealings with ANYBODY from A.N.S.W.E.R.. Yes, you were hermetically sealed and remained virgin pure. Oh, and you claimed that you never read the leftist Daily Kos piece declaring the September rally to have been an embarrassing flop. More fiction, Pitt?]

[That was in FIVE MINUTES later (according to cell phone log) when I called you back. Yes, I am planning a DUFU Podcast and to make it interesting I want guests who are either not into politics are have loony leftwing views like you, Pitt. Invitation still open. I'll even allow you to read your fiction on the Podcast.]

I told him to f*ck himself. Loudly, colorfully, offering both directions and a map.

[No directions and map did you give but you did curse colorfully. I'll give you that, Pitt.]

[I BEEEEELEEEEVEEEE!!! I BEEEEELEEEEEVE that Pied Piper Pitt has the astounding ability to accurately quote long detailed conversations WORD FOR WORD days after they take place without the use of a tape recorder. I BEEEEEELEEEEEEVE!!!]

[Why go to you for a source? Just from this post you are proving yourself to be a fiction spinner.]

[Maybe you shouldn't PUBLICLY post private "conversations" with friends and then offer a money bounty on its veracity.]

[DUmmie FUnnies already has the BIGGEST Ping List on the FR. However, I do give you credit for the wealth of comedic material you have provided the DUFUs in the past, Pitt.]

5. Ty wants to eat this guy's liver; he genuienly wants to do violence to this person, so f*cking with Ty is a bad idea;

[Maybe Ty will eat YOUR liver when he actually gets around to reading how you portrayed him plus that public bounty offer you made, Pitt.]

[I think it was more "ask" than "beg." Strange thing is that Publicity Hound Pitt, after initially rejecting the idea, then started to seem open to it. Offer still stands, Pitt.]

Final moral: We are all in this together, but some think this is all a big paycheck. This guy wanted to do damage to me in order to better his own pathetic state of affairs, and had no hesitation to f*ck with a friend of mine he had never met in order to do so.

[I'm not so sure he will be a friend of yours after he reads what you wrote about him. That plus your public bounty offer.]

[Try actually reading "Animal Farm," Pitt. It's anti-communist theme might even seep thru your thick skull.]

Anyone who thinks being well-known (for me, even minorly well-known) is a good thing needs a beating. I can't write a personal essay without the people involved getting messed with.

[Maybe you shouldn't publicly offer bounties to defend your dubious veracity, Pitt. In any event, if your account of your original conversation with Ty is as accurate as the fiction you spun here, no wonder folks are casting doubt on it. However, thanx mucho for that chuckle about me being in the DNC!]

Pitt may have had his original story about Ty deleted from DUmmieland but here is the screen capture of the Ty story on Truthout:


	Print This Story E-mail This Story What do you think? The t r u t h o u t Town Meeting is in progress. Join the debate! Going Too Far By William Rivers Pitt t r u t h o u t \| Perspective Thursday 29 December 2005 The bouncer at my bar is named Ty. A native of New Orleans, he speaks with the slow drawl unique to the region, and he is huge. Not outlandishly huge, not freakishly huge, but definitely one of the larger specimens of human one is likely to meet. He works the door at my joint, as well as at another bar down the street a ways. Ty is smart, funny as all get-out and a marvelous spinner of tales. Each night Ty works he regales my friends and me with stories of mayhem and bouncer-justice, of the drunken boobs stupid enough to think they can push him around at the other establishment. My bar, one gets the sense, is too peaceful for his tastes; he has never been forced to exercise his talents while working at my joint. Ty and I have assiduously observed the tenets of that invisible sign which hangs over the door of every drinking establishment in America: "Thou Shalt Not Discuss Religion Or Politics In This Place." The two reasons for this are straightforward: I don't particularly relish the idea of discussing work when I am in my cups; also, Ty is an ardent Bush supporter, so the first reason becomes doubly significant. If I want to get frustrated and annoyed, I can just turn on CNN and listen to the Know-Nothings ply their wares. A funny thing happened the other night, however - something that changed the whole dynamic of our relationship. I was passing by Ty, and he grabbed me by the arm to pull me aside. He knows what I do for a living, and wanted to discuss politics in defiance of the invisible sign. "What do you think of the Patriot Act?" he asked me. "I think it's a damned troubling thing," I said after a moment. "There are aspects of it that have been on the books for years because of the War on Drugs. There are aspects of it that are brand new to American law. Overall, I think it is tremendously invasive and not in line with how we have done things in this country. As a Republican," I said with a bit of the needle in my voice, "the issues of personal freedom and governmental interference should bother you." "I ain't no Republican," he said. "I'm an Independent. I think they're all crooks." "Fair enough," I said, "but you are a Bush supporter." "Yep," he drawled. "So what parts of the Patriot Act don't you like?" "Well," I said, "one scary part of it is Section 215, the thing people call the 'Sneak-and-Peek' provision. Section 215 says law enforcement can enter your house, search your stuff, bug your phone, bug your computer - and they never have to tell you they were there. The FBI could have 215'd their way into my house and I'd never know it. Hell, they could be there right now. All they need to do it is a warrant signed by a judge somewhere." "That ain't right," he said after a moment's consideration. "But at least they have to talk to a judge." "Well," I said, "have you heard about all this stuff with the National Security Agency spying on people here in America?" "Little bit, yeah," he said. "You know that the NSA can spy on pretty much anyone, tap their phones, do total surveillance?" I asked, and he nodded. "Well, back in 2002, Bush told the NSA to start spying on Americans. Lots of them. But he did this without going through the FISA court." "FISA court?" he asked. "FISA stands for the Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Act, which was passed in 1978," I said. "After Watergate and all that craziness, they wanted to make sure our intelligence services weren't being used by people in power to spy on Americans. If you want to get the NSA to spy on Americans, you have to get a warrant from what's called the FISA court. They're a few judges who hear arguments for special FISA warrants." "OK." "Now here's one of the crazy parts with this Bush-NSA thing," I said. "To get a warrant from this FISA court, you don't need to have probable cause. You don't need to have evidence. The FISA court has handed out more than 19,000 warrants since it was set up, and has only denied four. And they do it quickly, because obviously if you go before the FISA court for a warrant, you're probably pressed for time. It's the easiest court in America to get a warrant from. Bush totally blew past them, said he didn't need warrants from the FISA court, and just had the NSA start spying away on Americans." Ty's response to this was too profane to be printed here. "Why the hell'd he do that?" he finally asked. "Good question," I said. "There are two probable reasons, neither of which are very comfortable. The first reason is that he and Cheney want to expand the power of the Executive Branch. Cheney, specifically, has always felt that the Executive let go of too much power after Watergate and Vietnam, gave too much power to Congress and the press, and these guys have been trying to get it back. So they decided that since we are 'at war,' they were going to do whatever they damned well pleased." "Seems smart," he said. "Maybe," I said, "but that's a different debate. Ask yourself this, though. Imagine a Democrat wins the White House in 2008. These Bush guys will have left this Democrat with outrageously broad powers. His people can spy on whom they like, because Bush did it. They don't have to get warrants, because Bush did it. They can lie to the press, because Bush did it. They can bulldoze Congress, because Bush did it. That make you comfortable?" "Hell no," he said. "Right," I said. "Too much power is too much power, no matter who is in power. The separation of powers is there for a reason." "So what's the other reason you think he didn't get the FISA warrants?" he asked. "That," I said, "is actually the scarier part. Like I said, FISA has given out those 19,000 warrants and has only denied four. It's incredibly easy to get a warrant from them. The only reason they're there at all is to safeguard your privacy and mine, to make sure some crazy maniac in the White House doesn't start spying on Americans, on personal enemies, on you and me. The NSA can do that, so the FISA court is there as a firewall." "OK," he said. "So maybe," I said, "Bush didn't go to the FISA court because he knew they wouldn't give him the warrants. Maybe he didn't go to the FISA court because he wanted to spy on enemies like Patrick Fitzgerald, like Joe Wilson, like Cindy Sheehan, like Tom Daschle or Harry Reid, or anyone else who was messing with him. Maybe he didn't go to the FISA court because he knew the surveillance he wanted was illegal, but he was damned well going to do it anyway." "That ain't right," said Ty, his face reddening. "Now take this all one step further," I said, "since you asked about the Patriot Act. Think about that Section 215 and the sneak-and-peek stuff. I told you they need to see a judge first to come into your home, to search and bug your stuff. But this whole NSA deal shows that Bush and these guys don't give a hoot in hell for judges, warrants or the process of law. They're going to do what they want to do, warrant or not. We've got a situation now where Bush and his people could not only be ordering the surveillance of Americans, but could also be authorizing home invasions, and all without any kind of warrants and oversight. What does that sound like to you?" "Fascism," he said without hesitating. "This is the reason," I said with a smile, "why I don't talk politics at the bar. I have a way of going on and on until the paint peels. But let me ask you one last question." "Shoot," he said. "As a Bush supporter," I said, "how far are you willing to go to support the guy? How much individual liberty, how many laws, are you willing to give up to Bush before we lose the country? How far is too far?" Ty didn't have anything to say at first. "This," he finally muttered, "is too damned far." At that moment, a crowd of people came into the bar, and Ty had to check their IDs. I went back to my beer. Drip, drip, drip. William Rivers Pitt is a New York Times and internationally bestselling author of two books: War on Iraq: What Team Bush Doesn't Want You to Know and The Greatest Sedition Is Silence. ------- Jump to today's TO Features: Print This Story E-mail This Story

	© : t r u t h o u t 2005\| t r u t h o u t \| town meeting \| issues \| environment \| labor \| women \| health \| voter rights \| multimedia \| donate \| contact \| subscribe \| rss feed \|

Disclaimer: Opinions posted on Free Republic are those of the individual posters and do not necessarily represent the opinion of Free Republic or its management. All materials posted herein are protected by copyright law and the exemption for fair use of copyrighted works.