Posted on 08/05/2005 6:51:38 PM PDT by donprocto
Well, he's more exciting than Al Gore... It was another steamy Sunday morning at the Glory Be AME Church in Baltimore. The Pastor said there was going to be a "different type of speaker" this morning. None of us knew just how different he meant - but God was glorified, and that's all that matters.
"Ladies and Gentlemen. Brothers and Sisters. Four years ago, Brother Al Gore spoke from this very pulpit. Now, we all know what happened; those blue eyed devils, the Republicans, stole the Presidential election from us. They tried to take our rights; they tried to send us BACK - back to the plantation where the wealth which fueled the growth of this nation was generated. Generated on the backs of your great grandparents. "
"Today, another oppressed man has requested to speak before us. Now, before you all start to booing, hear the brother out! I know he's got horns and a tail - but he's a minority. Let him speak his peace. I think you'll be very interested in what he has to say. Now, without further ado, I want to introduce - Mr. O. S. Mephistopheles."
(Boos, hisses, several shoes land on the stage)
"Now now. Good people of color. As your wonderful Pastor (nice car, Pastor!) just said, I, too, am a minority. I know the sting of oppression. I know what it's like to be the object of scorn; of derision. I know what it's like to be - misunderstood."
"As you know, I was thrown out of heaven! I hit the ground like a lightning bolt. Now, I know what ya'll are thinking - 'He's the Prince of Darkness - God should have thrown him out!' It's not what you have heard.""Like you, I am a person of color! You can see my red suit - you can see my red skin. Like the peaceful Indian who was driven from his land by the white man, I was driven from my home by a white man, too."
"It all started like this. Y'all don't know this - but I was there. I saw it - in the beginning. When God made that first man - now don't get excited - he made him white. His skin was white like milk. He was so white that when the sun rose, you had to shield your eyes. God decided to do something about that."
"When God made the first woman - the mother of all humanity - he decided to give only the best to that first man. He took a rib - and he clothed it with skin. But - he didn't just give it any skin. No, no. God wasn't going to make the same mistake twice. He looked at the whiteness of Adam, and decided to give him the beauty of the ages. He gave him a BLACK WOMAN. I know you may find that hard to swallow - but, you know, God loved Adam. What better gift to give, then a dark, beautiful, exotic new bride?"
"Now, Adam, being a white man, already had hate in his heart for her. It's called the original sin. See, Ol' Scratch has a little book learnin' under his belt, too. I tried to educate Eve. I told her not to go near that tree. Adam had that lust in his heart - can I hear an amen? - thank you - he had that lust in his heart, but because God gave him a beautiful black woman, and he wanted a beautiful white woman, it wasn't enough for him. He told her to bite that apple. He told her to bite it because God said, "If you eat this fruit, you'll die!"."
"Anyway, y'all know the rest of the story. Now, stop all that cheering - I'm a humble man. These words of truth are more important than me. Anyway, she took the first bite, but he made her do it! Then he blamed it all on Eve when God came 'round. "
"Those Republicans are just like that, arent they? Can I get a witness? - Awright y'all, I only need one! Those Republicans know that if you get power - if you get back that wealth that the white man stole from you, that y'all will take over! Now, I didn't ask for amens, but since y'all are givin' em... Anyway, they don't want you to have power. They don't want you to have freedom. They just want you to stay down!"
"Look around you. You see those boarded up houses? They belong to you! You see those poor winos out there, layin' around in piles of bottles? The Republicans put them there. Now come on y'all. How am I supposed to divide the word if y'all keep cheering? I know evil. I invented evil. Those Republicans - they are more evil than I am!"
"On election day, if y'all vote for a Republican - now, put me down, I don't deserve to be carried around and cheered at - I'm a humble man - if y'all vote for a Republican, your children won't get fed. You'll feel the whip on your back, just like your great grand daddy did. Your women will be deceived - just like Mother Eve was - and the white devil will pollute your race once again. I know I'm not supposed to tell you who to vote for (winking), but I will tell you this. Just because a man wears a red suit and has horns doesn't mean that it's too much DIVERSITY for the Oval Office!" (wild cheers, shouts)
"Now I want to introduce you to the man who will be my running mate. Give it up for a dude who knows how to party - hell, I taught him - come on out here Senator Kennedy!"
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