DUmmie FUnnies 05-13-05 (Pied Piper Pitt Hasn't Slept Since April!)

DUmmie FUnnies ^ | May 13, 2005 | William Rivers Pitt, DUmmies, and PJ-Comix

[PJ-Comix]

It looks like William Rivers (Pied Piper) Pitt is doing a lot of worrying that the scam perpetrated by Andy Stephenson is going to explode in his face. Pity Poor Pathetic Pied Piper Pitt (had to get in at least one allitertation) for he hasn’t slept since April as you can see in this Pitt authored DUmmie THREAD titled, “I could use a little help here.” Yeah, Pitt, you could actually use a LOT of help WHEN the AndyScam blows up in such a way that even the incredibly gullible DUmmies realize that Andy Stephenson has been scamming them just as cold-bloodedly as his former mentor, Bev Harris. A constant theme right now in DUmmieland is that they just KNOW that Andy is on the up and up BECAUSE Pied Piper Pitt told them so. I hate to tell you this DUmmies but Pied Piper Pitt has ALSO been having doubts about the DUmmies as have been documented in the Free Republic discussion forum of the previous DUFU edition titled, “’About the Andy Stephenson situation’---Skinner.” Oh, and speaking of Skinner, haven’t the DUmmies noticed that he has been MIA since issuing his doubts about Stephenson a few days ago? Skinner is less than an hour from Baltimore but he has yet to make the short trip over there to verify Andy’s fraudulent story. It is “The Silence of the Scams.” So let us now join Pied Piper Pitt in his state of complete sleeplessness. Somehow I think Pitt will be greeting the sun for many, many mornings to come. As usual the insomniac rantings of Pitt and his DUmmie followers are in Bolshevik Red while the commentary of your humble correspondent, who enjoyed a refreshing night of deep sleep, is in the [brackets]:

I could use a little help here

[You sure do, Pied Piper Pitt, especially after the DUmmies form a lynch mob to go after you when even those dopes realize FOR SURE that they have been scammed by Andy Stephenson, thanks in large part to you vouching for Andy’s honesty.]

I haven't been able to sleep for about two weeks. I start to drop off, and maybe actually sleep for about 20 minutes, before popping awake. Last night, for about the fifteenth day in a row, I saw the sun come up against my will. This has started to affect my stomach, which makes sleeping harder. I have tried exercise to wear myself out, and have managed to badly strain a muscle in my back.

[Your back will hurt even more after the DUmmies start angrily beating on it while cursing you for enabling the AndyScam.]

So, to recap: No sleep since April, rotten stomach, torn up back. I've reached that insomnia point where I am psyching myself out; I got no sleep the night before last, spent yesterday writing a PDA action alert and a 30-minute speech transcript, drove two hours to do the speech, gave the speech, did a three-hour Q&A, talked to people for another hour, drove two more hours to get home, and by the time I got back here I was literally quivering with exhaustion.

[So, to recap: You are worried sick about what will happen to you after Andy Stephenson is proven to be a complete FRAUD even to the satisfaction of the incredibly gullible DUmmie suckers.]

But I laid awake until 6:37am (I remember looking at the clock), popped awake an 8, 9, 10 before finally giving up and getting up at 11. I can barely see straight right now, my stomach feels like it has snakes in it, my back is killing me so I can't exercise...and I know for a stone fact that I won't be able to sleep again. Tried a nap an hour or so ago. Came thiiiiiiiis close to dropping of and then popped awake.

[3:11 AM: “Worried sick about the backlash when Andy’s scam is finally proven.”
3:12 AM: “Will they toss me out of Dummieland?”
3:13 AM: “Will my speaking engagements be cancelled?”
3:14 AM: “Maybe I could change my identity.”
3:15 AM: “DAMN YOU TO HELL, Andy, for suckering me into being your lousy cheerleader!!!”
3:16 AM: “Is it 3:17 AM yet?”]

Any ideas? I've already heard about taking mela-whatever, but that stuff gave my mother splitting headaches when she tried it. I have drastically cut back on caffiene. Any other suggestions would be appreciated. I've reached that violently, violently, violently frustrated stage of insomnia where sleep is a guaranteed impossibility, and if a routine like yesterday's (while on no sleep) can't get it done, I am at a total loss.

[Confession is good for the soul. And now let us read the hilarious advice on insomnia cures from your fellow DUmmies, Pitt.]

scotch. start about 3pm. you'll be out by 9

[Thunderbird. Start about 3 PM. You’ll be homeless by 9.]

Tried it. I managed to make myself unconscious, but that isn't sleep. Woke up worse off the next day. Tried it again a few days later, and all that happened was I was drunk and wide awake.

[Pied Piper Pitt---The wide awake drunk. That’s what happens when you fall such obvious scams that Andy perpetrates.]

sex?

[Unfortunately Andy can no longer be located.]

Move the clock...for one thing. Looking at that thing with the blinking : all night can be horrifying.

[If Pitt moves his clock all it will mean is that he will have to keep walking over to it every 5 minutes to check to see if he got at least a half hour of sleep.]

yes, sex works remember, only in fundie land is a monogamous partner of the opposite gender who desires to become pregnant is a requirement for "sex."

[Only in DUmmieland does it not matter what gender or species your sex partner is.]

Will: see a doctor. Insomnia is a bitch, although I only get it maybe once or twice a month.

[Pitt needs to see a shrink doctor. See Pitt lying on the shrink’s couch? Let us see what the shrink is writing on his note pad: “Just plain NUTS!!!”]

This sounds like a case for sleeping pills though I ordinarily wouldn't recommend them.

[NOT a good idea. Pitt would be tempted to swallow the whole bottle after the AndyScam blows up in DUmmieland.]

Benadryl. But don't take it every night, as you can become addicted (as per my physician husband).

[Methinks Pitt would become addicted the first night after desperately popping pill after pill of those Benny’s.]

Eat lots of turkey! Turkey has natural sleep inducers in it.

[And if that doesn’t work, have someone take a frozen turkey and slam it on Pitt’s head to knock him out.]

My problem is that I have bad physical reactions to anti-histamine stuff. I had raging bad allergies as a kid, and was always loaded up on the stuff. After a few years it just messed me up, and still does whenever I touch it.

[I can sympathize, Pitt. I’m allergic to wool so I’ve had to cross sheep off my date list. Such are the sacrifices I’ve had to make.]

Tonight I will do turkey, warm milk and the tub

[You’re going to do turkey in a tub filled with warm milk, Pitt? You really ARE kinky!]

Yes - I like Tylenol PM myself.

[I once tried to commit suicide by taking a cyanide pill. Unfortunately some sick bastard tampered with the cyanide pill bottle and I took a Tylenol that he inserted instead. I’m suing!!!]

empty your mind, grasshopper...

[…be just like your fellow DUmmies, cricket…]

I don't really know any tricks to get to sleep but one thing I discovered is that it makes no sense to just lay there willing yourself to do it - the more you try, the less likely it is that it will happen. So when I couldn't sleep, I'd get up. I'd tidy the house, I'd do laundry, I'd go for a walk, I'd read, I'd write, I'd work. Eventually, I'd get very, very tired and I'd lay down again. If I didn't get to sleep within a reasonable time, I'd get up again.

[Good idea… Hey Pitt! My pad needs cleaning and after that you can do my laundry.]

stop doing crystal meth that's what I had to do.

[speed_addiction…is that you?]

The back thing is my own fault. I've been beating the shit out of myself on my weight bench, way overdoing it to try and get sleepy. A muscle in my shoulderblade area finally got tired of it and told me to f*ck myself.

[And after the AndyScam scandal explodes, Pitt, your fellow DUmmies will be telling you the same thing as your shoulderblade muscle told you.]

Definitely see a doctor...there might be a physiological reason you're having trouble sleeping.

[Pitt’s problem is ALL mental.]

Will, I'm not a doctor, but I am going to go ahead and give you medical advice anyway. Your body is telling you to take a break.

[Yes, good advice. Take a break, Pitt, on a Costa Rica getaway with Andy Stephenson. Don’t worry about expenses. Andy has $50,000 to blow.]

Otherwise, until you see an internist, a bit of turkey, milk and a warm bath. Then find something boring, yet educational, to read.

[Maybe not educational but Pitt’s own writings should do the trick.]

A friend of mine who went through a divorce said she would drop her jaw down as you would right before you fall asleep and then force herself to COUNT SHEEP. It actually worked for her.

[It won’t work for me. I told you before that I’m allergic to wool.]

One word solution... PAMPER!

[One word solution… PAMPERS!]

White noise (I have a CD of very, very faint/distand thunderstorms and rain, and it's coma-inducing).

[White noise (I have a CD of very, very faint Pitt speeches, and it’s coma-inducing).]

Breathe thru your eyes ... Bull Durham

[Breath thru your butt … Andy Stephenson.]

Watch some mindless TV.

[Keith Olbermann.]

Ambien is habit forming and every person is different. So telling someone to ignore legitimate and documented side effects and product warnings is not particularly sound advice, wouldn't you agree?

[WARNING: Side effects of Ambien may inlude nausea, diarrhea attacks, dizziness, urges to support left wing loony causes, and the total loss of any ability to discern obvious scams.]

dude...seriously...smoke up. If I need to be asleep, pot is my friend to a nice, happy, and deep sleep.

[“Puff the magic dragon down by the sea!”]

First of all, sleep is over-rated.

[Sleep? Who needs it!]

You need to start "shutting down" very gradually.

[After the DUmmies finally wake up to the AndyScam, they will be “shutting down” Pitt very rapidly.]

Try to figure out what caused this abnormal sleep cycle to begin in the first place and address that issue.

[I don’t believe that Pitt thinking about how he has become Andy Stephenson’s lead cheerleader in Dummieland is going to help him get any sleep.]

Go To An Acupuncturist ASAP.

[Perhaps the acupuncturist can anesthetize those brain cells containing all memories about Andy.]

want something natural? try acupuncture- & I know where to get it cheap in the south end

[I don’t know about Pitt but Andy certainly would love to be acupunctured in the south end.]

You really should go to a doctor for a sleep evaluation. This may include keeping a diary for a week or so…

[May 13: “WHAT? WHAT? WHAT will I do when the DUmmies rise up against me when the AndyScam breaks?
May 15: “Need to leave the country. PRONTO!”
May 16: “Quick flight down to Costa Rica.”
May 20: “Slight gender preference modification but the honeymoon with Andy is just dreamy!”]

Cancel your appointments. Don't listen to TV or radio. Turn off your cell phone. Rent some funny movies.

[Flim Flam Man. The Sting.]

[franksolich]

It's my impression PayPal dropped the felonious Andy, not that Andy himself freely decided to "not give them any more of [his] business."

That must have hurt; it is the same as shutting off the main water-supply to a house, drying up a conduit for funds.

[franksolich]

Or using "cashiers" instead of "cashier's" for the proper way, "cashier's check."

[PJ-Comix]

Hmmm, so now it involves the office of a congressman.

It might also involve a Congresswoman's office as well. Nancy Pelosi. I remember reading a post where they had contacted her office. Not sure of the response from Pelosi. You might want to research that aspect.

[txradioguy]

"Andy Stephenson is only $10 away from beating the fraud rap."


And now for something completely different...despite all of the scandal surrounding the fleecing of the DUmp by AndyScam....$kimmer has started the quarterly fund raising drive to keep himself supplied with twinkies and zig zag rolling papers.

[PJ-Comix]

If "channelle" is busy, or absent for some reason, and you do not want to discuss it with anyone in the call center, if there is a call center, you weren't sure of this, perhaps you could ask to speak to William Hayes, the President of VCU, or, more to the point, to Randy Gunderson, Chief Financial Officer.

I would like to ask Mr. Randy Gunderson if Verity Credit Union issues cashiers checks WITHOUT their name on it. Never heard of such a thing before but there is always a first.

[Centaur]

Now that I think about it, having had to purchase a number of cashier's checks, they are usually written on a different format than this one; i.e., on carbon triple receipt forms, since the bank has to keep a copy. The bank draws the money out of your account and puts it in a separate account which is how they can guarantee that the money is there. Does that look like the typed in part (date, amount, payee) is carbon-ed? Looks more like original type to me.

[PJ-Comix]

Maybe someone who lives in Washington State can simply go over to Verity Credit Union and purchase a cashiers check for about $20 or so and then post it here. That way we can compare how this cashiers check compares with the two supposedly purchased by Stephenson.

[txradioguy]

"Does that look like the typed in part (date, amount, payee) is carbon-ed? Looks more like original type to me."

Look closer. IMHO...it's not typed. Those checks have been printed with either a very good ink-jet or laser printer.

[Centaur]

OK, typed was a misnomer...sorry. The point was supposed to be that it doesn't look like a carbon imprint of the "typed" info. You no what I mean. Forgot the exactitude protocol....haha.

[PJ-Comix]

Last week there were setbacks that delayed his surgery, when Andy arrived last Monday in Baltimore, the check that he sent registered mail to Hopkins could not be found, so they canceled the surgery, wetracked the check down by the next morning but it was too late by then to do any good, but it turns out that the surgery could not have be done Tuesday anyway because Andy needed a super duper test first, well billing now has the certified check, he has had his preliminary test and surgery is now scheduled for May 26th...

Let's see. Andy SUPPOSEDLY has pancreatic cancer which is known to SPREAD rapidly yet the docs supposedly delay the emergency surgery for almost three weeks. Riiiiiiight! Johns Hopkins should SUE Andy for using info like this in his scam.

[txradioguy]

Wasn't trying to be critical. If I remember correctly if you really do go to a bank the cashiers checks are still either typed out.

You're right it is NOT a carbon of the original in any way shape or form.

Looks like someone fired up Quickbooks...MS Money...Peachtree...and printed off the checks themselves.

[Centaur]

My point exactly...and I wasn't being critical of you being critical...:) I'm not a Monday morning kinda person....I'm usually lucky if I can process my name Mondays and am grateful if I can spell it :)

[PJ-Comix]

Welcome aboard, PINGEE #671.

[txradioguy]

On my morning show I refer to Monday's as "the day that shall not be mentioned"...:D

[franksolich]

As of 7:00 a.m. Nebraska time, the original "monster thread" had 28,080 views.....this one currently has 21,484 views.

I hope this breaks before Memorial Day weekend, because I'm tied up with "Norwegian Days" in Newman Grove, Nebraska (population: 640) that time; I'm trying to help make it the best "Days" event in Nebraska (we have "Danish Days" and "German Days" and "Irish Days" and "Czech Days"--and yes, even "Swedish Days" and "Italian Days" and "Mexican Days" and whatever else "Days" in Nebraska, but only one "Norwegian Days").

[PJ-Comix]

And now for something completely different...despite all of the scandal surrounding the fleecing of the DUmp by AndyScam....$kimmer has started the quarterly fund raising drive to keep himself supplied with twinkies and zig zag rolling papers.

SHEESH! Talk about BAD TIMING!!!

[txradioguy]

The Grovelbot has been deployed on day one of this fudraiser.

Could it be that $kimmer is having doubts about raising all the money?

[franksolich]

You know, I get the impression that the Grand DUmmie "Skinner," yes, is concerned about finances for DUmmieland because of the felonious Andy.

But I also have the impression that the felonious Andy and his DUmmie friends were never large contributors to the Grand DUmmie "Skinner" and DUmmieland in the first place.

So the Grand DUmmie "Skinner" is probably being a worry-wart, because if DUmmieland loses the contributions of the felonious Andy and his DUmmie friends, well, DUmmieland loses.....what, maybe ten bucks?

[Centaur]

...apparently also forgot how to spell "know"

[txradioguy]

Well with all the purges lately...the dissolution of the ATA...AndyScam...and the chokehold on freespeech over there...IMHO $kimmer doesn't have many people left willing to open their wallets.

Unless all the sockpuppets have seperate bank accounts from their masters.