Rushdie For Homeland Security (humor)

RightWingBob.com ^ | 12/12/2004 | Right Wing Bob

[Merciful_Friend]

Tell Me That It Isn't True ...12/12/2004 09:31:51 am

One hopes that the implosion of Bernard Kerik's nomination does not signal the beginning of a trend where those endorsed by Right Wing Bob go belly-up. I think not. However, now we need a new Secretary of Homeland Security, and with my favorite candidate out of the running, there's an opportunity to promote someone whom common sense and good taste had previously restrained me from suggesting. Well, enough of that.

Who could be better for the position of protecting America from Islamist terrorists than a man who has successfully, and single-handedly, defied the jidadists for over 15 years? From the reign of Ayatollah Khomeini all the way to the Ayatollah Khamenei (and onward I'm sure if we should ever encounter an Ayatollah Khamaney or Kiméni), this man has spit in the eye of bloody-minded Muslim fundamentalists everywhere, and lived to tell the tale (all the time enjoying a succession of progressively more glamorous wives).

I speak of-course of that scourge of radical Imams - author, jetsetter and friend-of-Bono: Salman Rushdie.

If he has been so successful at frustrating the rage of millions of vengeful fanatics for 15 years, just imagine what he can do with a whole Homeland Security department at his back!

Oh, sure, there may be a problem with some of his more incongruous political opinions, eg.

"I have been fairly critical of the so-called war on terror which has to do with as you say the way in which the subject is being confronted. There is no doubt that radicalism, extremism does need to be confronted whether it's Muslim, Hindu or Christian fundamentalism. These things need to be confronted and it's a dangerous time in the world because they are rampant. I do not think what happened in Iraq has really made the world a safer place."

But perhaps when he feels the wind of the latest newly-recruited band of non-Christian fundamentalists breathing down his neck, he'll revise his priorities a little.

(By the way, given the chance to sign up for one of those three paths of jihad, which would you choose? Attacking the lone world Hyper Power - the United States of America? Attacking the state which has made kicking militant Arab butts its daily exercise regimen - Israel? Or, assassinating the decadent writer, champagne swiller and lover of models, Salman Rushdie? Any one of those can earn you your ticket to paradise. Which seems easier? Take your time, think about it. Well, don't take too long. No telling when some rogue Christian fundamentalists might get in on the action ahead of you.)

Surely nothing would gain the U.S. more credibility and respect in the radical Muslim world than hiring a man raised as a Muslim to direct U.S. Homeland Security. The editorials in the Arab press would be quite gushing, I'm sure.

If I were Salman, I'd be going over all my nanny paperwork even as we speak.

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