Funny Stories that will make you feel like a Genius.

email | 05-23-03 | 4mycountry

[4mycountry]

A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all of the cash from the cash drawer.

After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said, "Because I don't believe you are over 21."

The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because he didn't believe him.

At this point, the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and he put the Scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot.

The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license. They arrested the robber two hours later.

----

Arkansas: Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. It seems the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass. The whole event was caught on videotape. Oh, that smarts.

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Recently, a man went to McDonald's and saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. He asked for a half dozen nuggets.

"We don't have half dozen nuggets," said the teenager at the counter.

"You don't?"

"We only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply.

"So I can't order a half-dozen nuggets, but I can order six?"

"That's right."

So the man shook his head and ordered six McNuggets.

----

A lady was checking out at the local Foodland with just a few items and the lady behind her put her things on the belt close to hers.

She picked up one of those "Dividers" that they keep by the cash register and placed it between their things so they wouldn't get mixed.

After the girl had scanned all of the items, she picked up the "Divider", looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it.

Not finding the bar code, she asked the lady, "Do you know how much this is?", and the lady said to her, "I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today."

She said "OK" and the woman paid her for the things and left.

The girl had no clue what had just happened.

----

A policeman recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car.

"Do you need some help?" he asked.

She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door un-locker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenient store) would have a battery to fit this?"

“Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm too?" the cop asked.

"No, just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the car keys to him.

As he took the key and manually unlocked the door, he replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk."

----

Several years ago, a company had an Intern who was none too swift.

One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?"

"Just use copier machine paper," the secretary told her.

With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank" copies.

[HHFi]

This page contains a bunch of stories like that, plus it's a blatant plug for my own book, "Nine Hallmarks of Highly Incompetent Losers." Makes a great Fourth of July gift! Buy a bunch of copies and help me pay my electric bill!: http://www.comedy-wire.com/bookorderpage.html

[Rad_J]

When we were in high school, my sister came home well after midnight one night and said that she and a friend had just found out they had driven home on the wrong side of the road. I asked why she would drive on the wrong side of the road and she replied that there were no other cars around to show her which side to drive on.

Same sister: I once asked her if the wallpaper we were buying was 2 for the price of one. She looked at me like I was crazy and siad no, it's buy one get one free!

Same sister: She woke up one morning and started freaking out that her car was stolen. It turned out that she had driven it to the church the night before and then got a ride home from a friend.

[Andrewksu]

not to argue, becaue she probably didn't know, but high end cars can have proximity sensors where if a hand is place inside the vehicle, the alarm goes off.

[duckman]

What happened next was, I called for the store manager. He took the coins, rolled his eyes at the cashier, then placed the coins in his pocket and replaced them with paper currency. This happened at the Food Lion in Raleigh NC.

[cjshapi]

I was visiting a friend in Atlanta and he needed up purchase something from a sporting goods store for a relative. He was wondering where to go shopping when I asked him "Do you have Dick's here in Atlanta?" You should have seen the look on his face.

He didn't realize Dick's is a sporting goods chain here in PA.

[Normal4me]

I worked for a wood shop in 1982 that built magazine and bookshelving racks for grocery stores. We had so much work that we started a second 12 hour shift in which I was in charge. My crew did all of the painting and finishing and I always wore a spray sock and respirator for the duration.

One evening we had busted butt and were ahead of schedule so I went to the local store at 1:30 am to buy a case of beer for my loyal, hard working cohorts. Needless to say, I forgot to remove my spraysock (ski mask) and I was surrounded by 4 police officers before entering the store! The cashier had seen me pull up and locked the door while I counted up the money and called the cops. I explained my way out of it and they came to the shop to verify my story.

[drjimmy]

He didn't realize Dick's is a sporting goods chain here in PA.
If you want to go to that company's website, don't just guess on the web address. My secretary did that, and got a verrrrry different site.

[whereasandsoforth]

The remote door unlock-thing happened to me. My car battery was down. I got upset for about 15 seconds wondering how I was going to get in my car. The door keypad wouldn't work either. I was scratching my head with the key. Oh, I felt like a fool. Then I chalked it up to being a spoiled luxury car-owner instead of being a total idiot.

[TaxRelief]

This happened to me:

I put a drunk friend on the train to go home and told him I would bring his car to him the next afternoon. I had the keys.

The next day the car would not go into [D] Drive. It took over an hour and four or five people attempting to help before a mechanic who offered to check it out realized the problem. The car required the driver to depress the brake in order to move the car out of [P] park.

[Hatteras]

"The top was down."

I had a '67 Convertible Mustang. Because it was a convertible, that was exactly the reason I never locked it. It had the original Delco radio and I never left anything of value in it.

Sure enough, one night, someone cut the top to get in and rummage through the glove box. The one thing missing was the gear shift knob.

[DeFault User]

People in the express lane at the store became impatient as the fellow in front of them kept looking through his pockets and fumbling around. The customer explained to the cashier that he had a coupon worth 50 cents somewhere. The folks waiting in line got more exasperated as this little drama played out. The customer searched through his pockets and wallet several times before finally finding the coupon. After his coupon was scanned and the cashier was paid, the irate folks in line recognized Bill Gates as he left the store.

[LiteKeeper]

bump

[Betteboop]

My younger daughter admitted that she did this one day, and for a moment thought she was locked out of her car, till she remembered her key!! (duhhh,I'm the blonde in the family!!)

[Teacher317]

Last month... me, too. Took about 10-15 sec to figure out what a moron I was.

[Betteboop]

Oh, and another one I hadn't thought about for years.

My first year working in the high school (where I've been now for 22 years) it was election day and the voting booths were set up in the hallway outside my office. I watched as a student stood there for a few minutes as people went into the booth, voted, came out and left. He then came into my office and asked me, in all sincerity, "why are all those people getting their pictures taken?"

[mommybain]

I served on the jury for a drug trial. The defendant was charged with possession with intent to distribute crack cocaine. The cocaine in question was displayed and an SBI investigator explained to us how crack cocaine was made.

The defendant took the stand (big mistake.) When the prosecuting attorney asked him if he had seen the cocaine the SBI investigator had shown us, he answered "Yes, but it don't look like crack to me." The prosecutor replied, "Really? What does it look like to you?" He continued, "Looks like 'cut' to me." He then explained to the court how you can cut cocaine with aspirin, sugar, just about any white powdery substance, to 'water it down to sell'. All this after he had testified, under oath, that he didn't sell cocaine, he only used it, but only during the week while he was at work.

[PaulJ]

True story:

In my younger, wilder days an acquaintance of mine, while driving drunk, accidentally drove up on the sidewalk. He then noticed a policeman, just a short distance behind, and knew he had been seen. So he came up with a brilliant idea to avoid a DUI; he hopped out of his car, opened the hood, and feigned car trouble. Sure enough, the cop stopped, got out of his cruiser and asked him what the problem was.
"I don't know, occifer. My car just died and I can't get it started again," he replied.
He was then promptly arrested for DUI. The reason? He had forgotten to turn off the car before he got out. The car he "couldn't start", was still running!

[Last Visible Dog]

Looks at it, points and pushes it again. Is apparently satisfied, turns and walks into the building having successfully locked her car. The top was down.

She may have been setting the alarm. I have a convertible (Miata) with an alarm system – when the top is down I press my remove and it turns on the alarm (which includes a motion sensor so the alarm goes off if somebody jumps over the doors into the seat). This is pretty common on convertibles.

[stands2reason]

For later...

[cavtrooper21]

Keboard alert ping!