The Guild 2-26-2003 Got Puns?

[BigWaveBetty]

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank - proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.

Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

This guy goes into a restaurant for a Christmas breakfast while in his home town for the holidays. After looking over the menu he says, "I'll just have the eggs Benedict." His order comes a while later and it's served on a big, shiny hubcap. He asks the waiter, "What's with the hubcap?" The waiter sings, "O, there's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise!"

When she told me I was average, she was just being mean.

A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?" The bartender replies, "For you, no charge."

Two atoms are walking down the street and they run into each other. One says to the other, "Are you all right?" "No, I lost an electron!" "Are you sure?" "Yeah, I'm positive!"

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain during root canal work? He wanted transcenddental medication.

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?," they asked as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree and reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest and writers cramp.

There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

A guy goes to a psychiatrist. "Doc, I keep having these alternating recurring dreams. First I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam; then I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with me?" The doctor replies: "It's very simple. You're two tents."

A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mom. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins -- if you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

[Utah Girl]

I just emailed you. I don't understand what is happening, that thread is just a heads up about the speech tonight.

And I thought the beginning of the thread was excellent, you put a lot of time into it.

[Utah Girl]

Oh yeah, the eighties stars who were Band Aid were so politically aware.

[BigWaveBetty]

Thanks for the puns Mae, those are great! I just love a good pun.

[MaeWest]

Unbelievable!! That was excellent information. Shall we do our own live thread even if it is in the cheesehole? I don't really want to participate in the other thread now.

[BigWaveBetty]

What in the name of all that is reasonable is going on?!

[Hillary's Lovely Legs]

I will be starting our Live Thread for the 2004 Presidential Election results tomorrow. I know it's 21 months early, but you have to be quick around here or you get deleted.

If you want a live Cheesehole thread, I will be happy to start it over here.

[pubmom]

Nothing reasonable, that's for sure.

[BigWaveBetty]

This thread is your fault. :-)

[BigWaveBetty]

WE WANT A HILLARY'S LOVELY LEGS LIVE CHEESEHOLE THREAD!!

[Hillary's Lovely Legs]

Live Thread, Cheesehole version

[pubmom]

Main Entry: 1du·pli·cate
Pronunciation: 'dü-pli-k&t also 'dyü-
Function: adjective
Etymology: Middle English, from Latin duplicatus, past participle of duplicare to double, from duplic-, duplex Date: 15th century
1 : consisting of or existing in two corresponding or identical parts or examples
2 : being the same as another

Live Thread Here

They don't appear to be duplicates IMO.

[Fintan]

A redneck, a sheep, and a dog were survivors of a terrible shipwreck. They found themselves stranded on a desert island. After being there a while, they got into the habit of going to the beach every evening to watch the sunset.

One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle; a perfect night for romance.

As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the redneck. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it. But the dog got jealous, growling fiercely until the redneck took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the redneck had ever seen.

She was in a pretty bad way when they rescued her, and they slowly nursed her back to health. When the young maiden was well enough, they introduced her to their evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening: red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze; perfect for a night of romance.

Pretty soon, the redneck started to get "those feelings" again. He fought them as long as he could, but he finally gave in and leaned over to the young woman, cautiously, and whispered in her ear...

"Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?"

 

Okay, it's not a pun. So sue me.

 

 

[MaeWest]

Thank you!!!! At the risk of sounding French and snotty maybe we can ping some guests to our thread.

[lodwick]

Good one! ;-)

[Endeavor]

HEY BWB - you made me laugh. Thanks, I needed that.

[Timeout]

When Fred Dunce of Limp Bizkit acted up at the Grammys, I thought he was just being a jerk.

But now that I see his full comment, I realize he was being an IGNORANT jerk.

Dunce said, "I hope we all are in agreeance that this war should go away as soon as possible."

Agreeance??? Now, that's a Dunce! He had the only anti-war line of the night....and he blew it!

[Endeavor]

I saw a clip of that last night and did a double take. How lame, huh?

If you took the IQ of all the anti-war idiots and averaged it out, you'd be lucky to hit 60.

On a brighter note, here's an entertaining article sure to ruffle Miss Hillary's feathers: http://www.worldnetdaily.com/news/article.asp?ARTICLE_ID=31251

[lodwick]

News Flash!
There were two ships crossing the pacific. One carrying blue paint
from Singapore to Los Angeles, and the other carrying red dyes from
America to Taiwan. Somewhere in the middle of the ocean, the two ships
met abruptly. The ships were lost to the sea and the crews of both
are believed to be marooned.

[Keeper of the Turf]

Have you ever wondered:

- Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

- What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?

- Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

- If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?

- Is there a life?...

- Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?

- In Arkansas, if you divorce your wife, is she still your cousin?

- If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

- What's another word for synonym?

- Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?

- When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?

- Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?

- Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

- Why do they report power outages on TV?

- What should you do when you see an endangered animal that is eating an endangered plant?

- Is it possible to be totally partial?

- If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

- Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

- If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their headlights off?

- If a man speaks in the forest and there is no woman to hear him, is he still wrong?

- Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?

- If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?

- If you pull the wings off of a fly, does it become a walk?

- Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

- Why are there interstates in Hawaii?

- If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?

- If buttered toast always lands buttered side down and a cat always lands on its feet, what would happen if you tied a piece of buttered toast on the back of a cat and dropped it?

- Why do they put braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?

- Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called shipment; but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?

- You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes-why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?

- Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn the radio down?

- Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

- Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

- What does Geronimo say when he jumps out of a plane?

- If fire fighters fight fire and crime fighters fight crime, what do freedom fighters fight?

- If con is the opposite of pro, is congress the opposite of progress?

- If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

[Endeavor]

Hopefully, next year the t-sips will be "marooned." But I'm not holdin' mah breath.

Gig 'Em, Aggies.

(Where's Aggie Mama been lately??? Calling all Houston Aggie Mama's)