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The Guild 2-26-2003 Got Puns?
Posted on 02/26/2003 4:23:58 AM PST by BigWaveBetty
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank - proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.
Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.
A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
This guy goes into a restaurant for a Christmas breakfast while in his home town for the holidays. After looking over the menu he says, "I'll just have the eggs Benedict." His order comes a while later and it's served on a big, shiny hubcap. He asks the waiter, "What's with the hubcap?" The waiter sings, "O, there's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise!"
When she told me I was average, she was just being mean.
A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?" The bartender replies, "For you, no charge."
Two atoms are walking down the street and they run into each other. One says to the other, "Are you all right?" "No, I lost an electron!" "Are you sure?" "Yeah, I'm positive!"
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain during root canal work? He wanted transcenddental medication.
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?," they asked as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree and reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest and writers cramp.
There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
A guy goes to a psychiatrist. "Doc, I keep having these alternating recurring dreams. First I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam; then I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with me?" The doctor replies: "It's very simple. You're two tents."
A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mom. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins -- if you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."
TOPICS: The Guild
KEYWORDS: theguild
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To: *The GUILD
21
posted on
02/26/2003 9:32:11 AM PST
by
lodwick
(Republicans for Sharpton)
To: All
George Michael is begging pop stars to abandon plans for an anti-war charity record because he says they do not know enough about politics.
Blue star Lee Ryan wants to enlist the likes of Kylie Minogue, Justin Timberlake and Pink on a new Band Aid style song. But Michael said today's chart stars are too manufactured and too trivial for their song to be taken seriously.
The people involved would be "extremely young and extremely lacking" in political knowledge, he said. The former Wham! star was part of the 1984 Band Aid line-up which had a huge hit with Do They Know It's Christmas, in aid of Ethiopian famine victims.
But he told the BBC: "I'm begging, I'm hoping that there will not be a Band Aid 2 because the reality is that very, very few people in the industry now, that you're hear ing on the radio, make their money from their own hearts and minds.
"They make their money from singing the words of others, and so therefore the weight of something called Band Aid 2 would be incredibly slight." He added: "It's not the same as making a record to send money to Ethiopia.
"This is different and I really hope the current pop music industry, the current generation, stays away from it because I really don't think it would be a very genuine move."
Ryan revealed at last week's Brit Awards that he wanted to assemble a host of big name artists to record his single Stand Up As People, which he wrote last year. Ananova
-------------------
Does anyone else find this story has a certain Bizarro World quality to it?
To: mountaineer
You want Bizzaro World?? (Credit to "Best of the Web Today")....
Wait till you hear Leslie Strickland's tale of woe. The 49-year-old Port Charlotte, Fla., woman hit an alligator with her car on Friday night. Stricken with guilt, she went back the next day to rescue the critter. She put it in her car, drove it home, watered it down with a hose, and phoned the Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission, which was closed for the weekend.
Strickland's neighbors pointed out to her that it's illegal to possess an alligator, so "she loaded it in the car again and drove off in search of a pond to release it." In the back seat it "started to thrash its tail." A distracted Strickland ran off the road and hit a mailbox. She tried to drive off, but her car got stuck in a ditch. So she walked home.
Police showed up at Strickland's home to arrest her, "adding a charge of resisting arrest after she struggled with officers who tried to handcuff her." She ended up spending a night in jail.
Oh, and the alligator died.
I wonder if she's blonde?
23
posted on
02/26/2003 10:43:12 AM PST
by
Timeout
(What's the big deal...I love whirled peas!)
To: Timeout
A fine example of no (attempted) good deed going unpunished.
I'm still trying to get the picture of a woman loading an alligator into her car...
24
posted on
02/26/2003 11:42:51 AM PST
by
lodwick
To: *The GUILD
Today is the tenth anniversary of the first WTC bombing...
25
posted on
02/26/2003 12:43:40 PM PST
by
lodwick
(The creation of this tag line did not involve the harming of any animals or plants.)
To: BigWaveBetty
 |
|
There once was a man from Peru... |
(Another lame attempt to get attention from HLL. Can "ElimiDATE" be far behind???)
26
posted on
02/26/2003 1:00:04 PM PST
by
Fintan
(Fere libenter homines id quod volunt, credunt. - Julius Caesar)
To: Fintan
Way down upon the Mississippi, two tugboat captains who had been
friends for years, would always cry "Aye!" and blow their whistles
whenever they passed each other.
A new crewman asked his boat's mate, "What did they do that for?"
The mate looked surprised and replied, "You mean that you've never
heard of...an aye for an aye and a toot for a toot?"
27
posted on
02/26/2003 1:23:31 PM PST
by
lodwick
(The creation of this tag line did not involve the harming of any animals or plants.)
To: Timeout
I wonder if she's a PETA member?
28
posted on
02/26/2003 1:26:06 PM PST
by
pubmom
To: BigWaveBetty; *The GUILD
BWB, what a fun start to a new thread!
1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?
Unique Up On It.
2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?
Tame Way, Unique Up On It.
3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?
They Take The Psycho Path
4. How Do You Get Holy Water?
You Boil The Hell Out Of It.
5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?
Dam!
29
posted on
02/26/2003 1:26:29 PM PST
by
MaeWest
(Reporting from behind west coast enemy lines.)
To: MaeWest
LOL - excellent ones. Thank you.
One day at the watering hole, an elephant looked around and carefully
surveyed the turtles in view.
After a few seconds thought, he walked over to one turtle, raised his
foot, and KICKED the turtle as far as he could. (Nearly a mile)
A watching hyena asked the elephant why he did it?
"Well, about 30 years ago I was walking through a stream and a turtle
bit my foot. Finally I found the S.O.B and repaid him for what he had
done to me."
"30 years!!! And you remembered...But HOW???"
"I have turtle recall."
30
posted on
02/26/2003 1:31:44 PM PST
by
lodwick
(The creation of this tag line did not involve the harming of any animals or plants.)
To: lodwick
My goodness!! Went to Trader Joe's this morning and discovered several of my faves were from, gasp, France and Germany. They went back to the shelf but I'm really going to miss the French apricot sauce.
31
posted on
02/26/2003 1:32:16 PM PST
by
MaeWest
(Off to my fave recipe sites to make my own. Take that France!!)
To: BigWaveBetty
A Good Pun Is Its Own Reword
A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.
Practice safe eating --- always use condiments.
A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
If electricity comes from electrons... does that mean that morality comes
from morons?
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Corduroy pillows are making headlines.
Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Banning the bra was a big flop.
Sea captains don't like crew cuts.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.
A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.
Without geometry, life is pointless.
When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
Energizer Bunny arrested --- charged with battery
To: habs4ever
Good ones Habs - thanks.
33
posted on
02/26/2003 2:00:03 PM PST
by
lodwick
(The creation of this tag line did not involve the harming of any animals or plants.)
To: *The GUILD
A young man was in love with a lovely young lady but unfortunately
she did not feel the same way about him. In desperation he went and
visited a group of witches searching for a love potion.
They informed him that they no longer provided such an item. It
was highly unethical to administer a potion to someone without her
permission.
They did have an alternate solution however. They sold him a
bottle of small white pellets. He was to bury one in her yard
every night at midnight for a month.
He returned to the witches six weeks later excited and thankful.
He and the young lady were to wed in a month.
The witch told him, ..."Nothin' says lovin' like something from
a coven, and pills buried say it best."
34
posted on
02/26/2003 2:01:57 PM PST
by
lodwick
(The creation of this tag line did not involve the harming of any animals or plants.)
To: *The GUILD
A young man was in love with a lovely young lady but unfortunately
she did not feel the same way about him. In desperation he went and
visited a group of witches searching for a love potion.
They informed him that they no longer provided such an item. It
was highly unethical to administer a potion to someone without her
permission.
They did have an alternate solution however. They sold him a
bottle of small white pellets. He was to bury one in her yard
every night at midnight for a month.
He returned to the witches six weeks later excited and thankful.
He and the young lady were to wed in a month.
The witch told him, ..."Nothin' says lovin' like something from
a coven, and pills buried says it best."
35
posted on
02/26/2003 2:02:48 PM PST
by
lodwick
(The creation of this tag line did not involve the harming of any animals or plants.)
To: lodwick; *The GUILD
Argh!
Sorry about that...
36
posted on
02/26/2003 2:10:56 PM PST
by
lodwick
(The creation of this tag line did not involve the harming of any animals or plants.)
To: mountaineer
It's the concept of poverty. [This guy is worth billions, as if he had a clue. Maybe he should give money to these people so they won't be so anti-America] The terrorist groups are offering to take them in, train them and pay them. The link between poverty and national security, we have to come to grips with that." Someone needs to point out to this bozo that most, if not all, of the 9/11 murderers were college educated, middle to upper middle class men. There wasn't a poor boy among them!
37
posted on
02/26/2003 2:49:06 PM PST
by
SuziQ
To: pubmom
Did you expect him to win?Orlando had elected Mayor Hood (R) for three terms and the polls were neck and neck so I had hope. But I think that many of the residents of downtown are gay and they were upset recently when a bill that would add gays, lesbians, and bisexuals to the city's anti-discrimination laws was so rejected by Hood and other republicans.
I personally can't take any ephedra, it makes my heart feel like it's going to jump out of my chest. What possesses a person to take that stuff in large amounts baffles me.
38
posted on
02/26/2003 3:10:34 PM PST
by
BigWaveBetty
( The Frenchies motto, Hug a reprobate today!)
To: lodwick; BigWaveBetty; mountaineer; Utah Girl; pubmom; habs4ever
Again I would like to thank the Free Republic administration for locking another one of our live threads.
It doesn't matter that the thread that I started was the ONLY live thread about Bush's speech tonight. It doesn't matter that I spent a half hour on the flash. The only problem was that it was started by me.
I am really getting sick of this. There is NO OTHER LIVE THREAD .
Why do I even bother.
The thread in question
39
posted on
02/26/2003 3:11:09 PM PST
by
Hillary's Lovely Legs
(I miss the comic genius of Paul Lynde, at least I have Carrot Top to fall back on)
To: Timeout
LOL! Thanks for that one, it's going to all my email friends!
40
posted on
02/26/2003 3:12:15 PM PST
by
BigWaveBetty
( The Frenchies motto, Hug a reprobate today!)
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