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Gallic Wars - Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian.

Hundred Years War - Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare: "France's armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman."

Italian Wars - Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars when fighting Italians.

Wars of Religion - France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots

Thirty Years War - France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.

War of Devolution - Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux.

The Dutch War - Tied

War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War - Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded Frogophiles the world over to label the period as the height of French military power.

War of the Spanish Succession - Lost. The War also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved every since.

American Revolution - In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare: "France only wins when America does most of the fighting." (Note that the French entered this conflict in order to oppose Britain more than to aid the colonists. Does this sound a little like French foreign policy since WWII?)

French Revolution - Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also French.

The Napoleonic Wars - Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer.

The Franco-Prussian War - Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunken Frat boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.

World War I - Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States, Britain and Canada. Thousands of French women find out what it's like to not only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline.

World War II - Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States, Britain, Canada and Austrailia just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.

War in Indochina - Lost. French forces plead sickness, take to bed with the Dien Bien Flu

Algerian Rebellion - Lost. The Loss marks the first defeat of a western army by a Non-Turkish Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare: "We can always beat the French." (This rule is identical to the First Rules of Warfare for the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux.)

Balkans in the 1990's - When the French had an armored car stolen by Serbs from their peace keepers, and generally made such a mess that the Americans had to go and sort things out. This would illustrate that Second Rule again. (Note that later in this conflict/peacekeeping mission, the French betrayed NATO plans to the same folks who stole their armored car.)

War on Terrorism - France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese ambassador fail after he takes refuge in a McDonald's.

Let's face it. When it comes to war, France gets rolled more often than a Parisian prostitute with a visible mustache. They've been beaten so many times there's no fight left in them.

There's no national anthem in the world as ludicrous as France's:

To arms, to arms, ye brave!
The avenging sword unsheathe!
March on, march on, all hearts resolved
On liberty or death.

Oh liberty can man resign thee,
Once having felt thy generous flame?
Can dungeons, bolts, and bars confine thee?
Or whips thy noble spirit tame?

What's that again:
Can dungeons, bolts, and bars confine thee? Or whips thy noble spirit tame?
(Emphatically YES! And demonstrably so.)

Here is a short article via FOX News Channel...

Bin Laden Calls on Muslims to Support Iraq

Tuesday, February 11, 2003

DOHA, Qatar — Usama bin Laden called on Muslims throughout the world to unite behind Iraq Tuesday in an audiotape broadcast on Al-Jazeera satellite TV.

Earlier in the day, Secretary of State Colin Powell told a Senate committee that the audiotape would be aired, and that the voice on the recording is believed to be that of bin Laden, the Al Qaeda mastermind who has been in hiding since the Sept. 11 terror attacks.

"We would like to confirm at this time the lies of America and their allies and what they are trying to do. We want you to be faithful in your fight, to believe in your God, the one and only God," bin Laden said on the tape.

"Fight the agents of the Devil, because the Devil will be overcome and defeated. God will give us victory."

Al-Jazeera's chief editor, Ibrahim Hilal, said the 16-minute tape was a message to Iraqis to remain steadfast in the face of a potential American attack.

Yasser Thabet, a broadcast editor, said the tape appears to be authentic because the television station got it through the same means as previous bin Laden statements. He did not elaborate.

"When you listen to the tape, you can tell it's Usama bin Laden's voice," Thabet said.

Ahead of the broadcast, a headline at the bottom of the screen during regular programming read, "Al Qaeda leader Usama bin Laden calls on all Muslims to unite to defend the Iraqi people, in an audio message Al-Jazeera will broadcast later."

Hilal said that on the tape, bin Laden urged Muslims not to cooperate with the U.S against Iraq, saying any Muslim who cooperates with America against another Muslim is an apostate.

He said the station was not sure it would air all of the tape, saying the quality was not very good.

Powell had said he read a transcript of "what bin Laden -- or who we believe to be bin Laden" was to say on al-Jazeera, "where once again he speaks to the people of Iraq and talks about their struggle and how he is in partnership with Iraq."

The last Bin Laden tape aired on Nov. 12 on al-Jazeera. Bin Laden, in the statement, promised new terrorist attacks.

Usama bin Laden