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Script for LoTR: The Two Towers!*
Top Secret

Posted on 10/01/2002 10:18:49 AM PDT by HairOfTheDog

Script for The Two Towers!*



ARAGORN : Look, one of the brooches Galadriel gave us in the deleted scenes on the DVD!

GIMLI : That's right! I think I fell in love with her, too!

(he holds the lock of her hair to his breast)

LEGOLAS : We're on the trail!

GIMLI : I can't run forever! I have stubby dwarf legs!



THEODEN : Theodred, my son, my son.

EOMER : Sire, let me avenge your son. Let me hunt some orc.

(THEODEN stares vacantly at EOMER)

GRIMA (whispers to THEODEN) Shya, right.

THEODEN : Nope, sorry.

EOMER : You're not the boss of me old man, I'm going.

EOWYN : I wanna come too!

(everyone but EOWYN laughs)



PIPPIN : I'm hungry!

MERRY : I'm tired!

PIPPIN : Are we there yet?

GRISHNAKH : Bet ant brrekfasst in Isengard, unnastan?

(EOMER and company gallop onto the scene)

EOMER : Ro-Ro-Rohirrim ho!

ORCS : Aw, nuts.

MERRY (to PIPPIN) Let's am-scray!



MERRY and PIPPIN : Hey! Mr. tree! Don't step on us!

TREEBEARD : Hoom... Such interesting creatures. Want to come back to my place for a drink?

MERRY and PIPPIN : Uh... okay.



(SAM is attacked by GOLLUM. SAM beats GOLLUM back with his frying pan)

FRODO : Sam! Leave him alone. Hey, Gollum, wanna come with us? I've got the ring.

GOLLUM : Calls us Smeagol, dammit.



TREEBEARD : ...allala lumbar hom rumbatumbatoo walalalaaah. And that is how we say "yes". Well, one way we say "yes".

PIPPIN (nudges MERRY awake) : Er, yes. That's *really* interesting, Mr. tree.

MERRY : Crud, there's more of them coming.

ENTS : Hooooooooooooooooooom halala tralalaboomtië boomburumba hoooom...

(MERRY and PIPPIN begin to weep)



(ARAGORN, LEGOLAS and GIMLI are still running. GIMLI is comically out of breath. EOMER and company ride upon them)

EOMER : Ho there! You're not with Saruman are you? Or even worse, that witch Galadriel?

GIMLI : Witch? Why I oughta...

ARAGORN : Calm down, Gimli. (to EOMER) We're hunting orc!

EOMER : Really? Me too! Just caught some a ways back.

ARAGORN : Did you happen to see any halflings with them?

EOMER : Nah, we just killed everything and burned the bodies. Not much time for looking.

ARAGORN : Thanks... that's very... reassuring.

EOMER : No problem. Hey, you guys want some horses? I'm already in deep with the king, so I figure what the hey.

ARAGORN : Thanks!



FRODO : Gollum, I see dead people.

GOLLUM : Calls us Smeagol, dammit.

SAM : Please, Frodo, let me kill him.



GIMLI : Look, it's Saruman!

ARAGORN : Run away!

GANDALF : No, you idiots, it's me, Gandalf!

LEGOLAS : I see you've done your laundry.

ARAGORN : You're alive! But how?

GANDALF : We fell for ages it seemed, plummeting through the inky darkness...

GIMLI : (rolls eyes) Here we go...

ARAGORN : Oh, hey, we've got to get these horses back to Theoden.

GANDALF : Theoden! I need to speak with him. I'll come with you and tell you on the way.

ARAGORN : Oh great. I mean, great!



GRIMA (whining) Sire, don't listen to Gandalf. He's a big liar.

GANDALF : Nay Theoden-king, I beseech you, heed no more the venom of this worm's tongue!

THEODEN : I don't know who to believe anymore! Well, since I have no idea what Gandalf said, I guess I'll take his advice.

GANDALF : You heard him, hit the road ya bum.

THEODEN : Oh, so THAT's what you meant.

GRIMA : Sire!

THEODEN : Nope, sorry. My mind's been made up for me. Now scram before someone else changes it.

GRIMA : (leaving) You haven't seen the last of me, old man!

THEODEN : Well, I suppose I'll let Eomer go as well. And maybe I'll make him my heir while I'm at it... Anyway, let's all go hunt some orc!

(the ROHIRRIM cheer)

EOWYN : I wanna come too!

(everyone but EOWYN laughs)

ARAGORN : Cheer up, little lady.

EOWYN : I love you.

ARAGORN : Oh! Uh, I'm sorry. I'm already spoken for...

(he indicates the Ring of Barahir as a wedding band)

EOWYN : Everything makes me sad.



TREEBEARD : Wake up young hobbits! The ents have decided to march on Isengard! It's payback time...

PIPPIN : Where's Isengard?

MERRY : It's where Saruman lives, you tuber.

PIPPIN : Who-(realization dawns) Oh, I'm sorry Mr. tree, we have a very important... party... to attend...

MERRY : It's not going to work, Pip.



(LEGOLAS and GIMLI are on the parapet of the wall killing orcs)

LEGOLAS : Thirty eight!

GIMLI : Thirty seven!

ARAGORN : Hey guys, do you really think keeping track of your body counts is an appropriate message to send to the kids?

(LEGOLAS and GIMLI stare at each other momentarily)

GIMLI : Thirty eight! Now we are tied!

LEGOLAS : Thirty nine! I'm better than you!

HAMA : The orcs have breached the wall! I die...

ARAGORN : Everyone hide!



THEODEN : I'm tired of waiting! I will not sit here like a badger in a... thing you put badgers in! I'm going out there!

ARAGORN : Aw jeez. Come on people, I guess we have to go with him.

THEODEN : See! The orcs run! Into that forest that wasn't there yesterday...

ARAGORN : The trees appear to be eating the orcs.

LEGOLAS : And what a strange and gruesome picture it is.

GIMLI : It certainly gives one an appetite.

(everyone stares at GIMLI)



(MERRY and PIPPIN are dancing. bouncing chaotically is more like it)

MERRY and PIPPIN : (singing) The faggots are reeking! Hurrah! Hurrah!


GANDALF : What are you two doing?

PIPPIN : (grinning broadly) We have no idea.

GANDALF : (surveying the damage) I see. And what has happened here?

MERRY : The trees! The big scary trees! They came to life, er, no, they were alive, and they still are, but they came here, and they brought us with them, and then they tore everything to pieces. You don't want to make the trees mad, oh no. The eyes, the eyes...

GANDALF : I know that smell, Meriadoc.

MERRY : Huh? Oh, yeah. It seems Saruman had a private stash, ya know? Want some?

GANDALF : Perhaps later. For the moment, I have a pressing engagement with Saruman. Come!

PIPPIN : (watching the riders leave) Whatever. Hey, didn't he die?

MERRY : Come on. We'd better follow them so you can pick up the palantir.



(SARUMAN appears on the balcony)

SARUMAN : Get off of my property, you damn kids! Look what you've done to my lawn!

GANDALF : Saruman! I strip you of your rank as head of the Order! I am now the White!

SARUMAN : Oh yeah smart*ss? I'd like to see you-

GRIMA : (from inside) I... can't... take it anymore!

(he pushes SARUMAN off of the balcony, impaling him on the RSWD)

(SARUMAN'S palantir rolls out of his hand to PIPPIN'S feet, who picks it up)

PIPPIN : Ooo... pretty!

GANDALF : Give me that you insufferable dolt!

PIPPIN : How come you didn't stay dead?

GANDALF : Come! We return to Rohan!

GIMLI : Back and forth, back and forth. All this riding is not good for a dwarf's hemorrhoids.

LEGOLAS : You sit behind me this time, Gimli.

PIPPIN : No really, I want to know. Why isn't he still dead?



FRODO : Look Sam, the front gate of Mordor, the Morannon.

GOLLUM : And on and on...

SAM : Please Frodo, let me kill that Smeagol.

GOLLUM : Calls us Gol- hrrr... Cruel tricksy masters... Fisssh... nice fisssh...



PIPPIN : I'm stealing that palantir.

MERRY : Are you actually growing more stupid as time passes? Do whatever you want, just leave me out of it. I'm going to bed.

(PIPPIN tickles the sleeping GANDALF'S nose with a feather. GANDALF swats his nose in his sleep and PIPPIN replaces the palantir with a rock. PIPPIN runs a safe distance away then looks deeply into the seeing stone)


PIPPIN : Yoink!

(PIPPIN drops the stone then falls stiffly backwards, comatose)

MERRY : Pippin! Pippin! Are you all right?

(GANDALF approaches, smirking)

GANDALF : What a simpleton. Well, I suppose I had better see that this does not happen again.

(ARAGORN approaches)

ARAGORN : What happened? I heard a shriek!

GANDALF (hands the palantir to ARAGORN) : Here, you keep this. I'm going to take this delinquent to Minas Tirith.

ARAGORN : Wonderful! Can I help you pack?

(ARWEN rides up with several ELVES)

ARWEN : Hi sweetie! Ohmigod, dad totally flipped when I told him I was giving up my immortality for you. He said the only way he'd allow that was if you were the king of Gondor. I don't think he was really serious, but I took him up on it and had Narsil reforged for you so you could go reclaim the throne. You WILL be king for me, right sweetie?

ARAGORN : (trying to smile) Oh, uh, yeah, great.

ARWEN : And I'm also supposed to "remind" you about the Paths of the Dead.

(ARAGORN visibly sags)

ARAGORN : I have to do THAT, too?

ARWEN : Well of course, silly! How else are you going to be king? Here's your sword and a nice banner I sewed for you all by myself which I'm sure will be very special to you and dear to your heart always.

ARAGORN : Well, in the tradition of things having far too many names, I rename this sword Anduril. Now if you'll excuse me I need to go lie down and try not to kill myself.



(FRODO is asleep. GOLLUM is making various incoherent threatening grunts and hoots at SAM)

SAM : Why do you always have to be so weird? Be a dear and go find us some food, why don't you?

GOLLUM : (hisses violently) : Oh, yes my preciousss, yesss... we goes... we goes...

(crawls away muttering and snickering to himself, casting suspicious glances over his shoulder)

SAM : Crazy bugger. Don't know why we have to bring him along. (mocking) "Wanna come with us? I've got the ring."

(he continues to mutter to himself as several menacing figures emerge from the gloom)

SAM : Uh oh. Wake up, Frodo! We've got visitors.

FARAMIR : Ho there you silly little men! What are you doing in my forest?

FRODO : We, uh, we were... gathering herbs, right Sam?

SAM : Oh, yes, Ithilien's the only place to go this time of year for mugwump and, er, grickleberry.

FARAMIR : You boys had better come with me. Men, blindfold them!



ARAGORN : Oh, this is so stupid.

(he looks into the palantir)


ARAGORN : Er, hello, yes. Just to let you know, I'm reclaiming the throne of Gondor, and I'm going to come kick-

(SAURON begins to chuckle)

ARAGORN : Hey, I'm not kidding! I've got the blade that cut off your finger here. They fixed it for me.

(SAURON begins laughing outright)

ARAGORN : Fine, then. I'm out of here. You'd just better watch your back, is all I'm saying.


(ARAGORN puts the palantir down)

LEGOLAS : So how did it go?

ARAGORN : Oh. It went well. He's really shaking. Well, it's time to ride the Paths of the Dead.

GIMLI : And those would be exactly...

ARAGORN : A tunnel through the mountain, inhabited by the ghosts of a long dead army. No living thing has ever returned from those caves once the spirits moved in.

GIMLI : Then why would we go there? And how do you know what's there if no one's ever come back?

ARAGORN : Well, technically, that army owes my family a favor. I'm going to collect on that debt.

GIMLI : And are ghosts known for their good credit?

ARAGORN : Stop asking so many questions. You're giving me a headache. Let's go.



FARAMIR : So you see! Even if your lies had not been so transparent I still would easily have been able to deduce that you had been traveling with my brother, Boromir

(FRODO begins to look apprehensive) and that you carry the One Ring

(FRODO is getting panicky and steps backward) and that my brother, sadly, is dead.

(FRODO stops, stunned)

FRODO : Dead?

FARAMIR : Yes, didn't you know? No matter, you need not fear that I shall try to take the ring as he did.

FRODO : How the hell do you know all of this?

FARAMIR : (taps his finger on the side of his nose) I read the script. Well, I don't see any reason to keep you here any longer. You can go on your way. Oh, and take your slimy little friend with you, he's fouling up our pool.

SAM : I haven't been near your pool!

FRODO : He means Gollum, Sam.



GIMLI : Aragorn, how much further do you suppose it is to the exit? I do not like this place...

LEGOLAS : Ha! Who'd have thought it? A dwarf frightened of a cave!

GIMLI : If I weren't scared snowpantless right now I'd make you eat those words...

(a ghostly form looms out of the gloom near LEGOLAS)


(the ghost drifts away. LEGOLAS laughs heartily)

LEGOLAS (to GIMLI) Chicken.

ARAGORN : You can relax, Gimli. The exit is just ahead.

(the company exits into the night followed by a silent spectral army)



(GANDALF and PIPPIN approach the city on SHADOWFAX)

GANDALF : Here we are, Pippin, Minas Tirith.

PIPPIN : So we're safe then?

GANDALF : Hardly! Any day now Sauron's forces will come swarming over the river.

PIPPIN : And the dangerous part is...?

GANDALF : (to himself) Why didn't I send someone else to take him?

PIPPIN : By the way, why *aren't* you dead?



MERRY : Everyone left without me. I feel so useless.

THEODEN : You *are* a clever little thing! How would you like to be a Rider of Rohan?

MERRY : Are meals included?

THEODEN : But of course!

MERRY : All right, I'm in.

THEODEN : Prepare yourselves men, for tomorrow we ride to war!

MERRY : Oh that's right, there's fighting involved. Well, one can always hope for a quick death.

EOWYN : (to MERRY) psst. How do you like my clever disguise?

MERRY : You do have some issues, don't you.



FRODO : Boy, look at the size of that army leaving Minas Morgul. I'd sure hate to be on the receiving end of that.

SAM : And I don't like the look of those clouds that have been pouring over the mountains these last few days.

FRODO : Still, we must go on. Where did you say this secret entrance was, Gollum?

GOLLUM : Calls- never minds. Rights here its is. In this pitch black webs covered hole. But nice masters musn't worry, no, nothing inside.

FRODO : Right then. Come along Sam. Are you coming Gollum?

GOLLUM : Nooo... we'll just waits outside and picks our precious off of your corpses later. mmm... Tasty corpses...

FRODO : Very well. Goodbye then Gollum. You've been a great help.



SAM : Sure is dark in here. Wish we had some light.

GALADRIEL (V.O.) : Let it be a light for you in dark places.

FRODO : Of course.

(FRODO brings out the phial, which begins to glow)

SAM : A phial. What makes it glow so?

FRODO : Earendil.

SAM : If you say so.

(FRODO and SAM continue down the tunnel. In the shadows behind them we see SHELOB )


TOPICS: The Hobbit Hole
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To: HairOfTheDog
Did Pippin ever get an answer? LOL!!
21 posted on 10/01/2002 12:12:49 PM PDT by Pippin
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To: Pippin
NO! - I don't think so... ;~D

I love Merry at the Palantir scene... "Are you actually growing more stupid as time passes?"

I am LMAO, but at least I am alone! - Only neighbors who walk by my open window might think I am weird!

22 posted on 10/01/2002 12:21:14 PM PDT by HairOfTheDog
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To: RosieCotton
Same here! I'm at work (?) at my computer and laughing my head off!
23 posted on 10/01/2002 12:26:13 PM PDT by sneakers
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To: HairOfTheDog
Can't wait, can't wait, can't wait!!
24 posted on 10/01/2002 12:27:48 PM PDT by sneakers
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To: HairOfTheDog
Run away!

OMIGOSH!!! I'm dying! This is HYSTERICAL!!!!! Thanks for posting, I really needed a laugh today!!!!

25 posted on 10/01/2002 12:32:50 PM PDT by BornOnTheFourth
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To: BornOnTheFourth
You are very welcome!

It is a pretty clever piece, eh? I wish I was this good!
26 posted on 10/01/2002 12:57:38 PM PDT by HairOfTheDog
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To: HairOfTheDog
"With all the buzz about TTT this morning, I went through and reformatted..."

What buzz?! What did I miss?

27 posted on 10/01/2002 2:11:53 PM PDT by sneakers
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To: sneakers
I guess you missed the news about the new trailer that is out! There are a couple of threads about it... this is the most recent!

Full Screen Trailer for The Two Towers

Other new threads have been posted here on the General Interest side under our Hobbit Hole Topic...

Hobbit Hole topic

28 posted on 10/01/2002 2:28:51 PM PDT by HairOfTheDog
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To: HairOfTheDog
Too funny ! BTTT
29 posted on 10/01/2002 4:49:12 PM PDT by Varda
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To: HairOfTheDog
Hair, we're a webtv familiy so the best we can do is view some of the stills, however, that's a big 10-4 on the excitement building, I am planning to get a DVD player and the extend FOTR, and counting the days till mid December.
30 posted on 10/01/2002 5:46:18 PM PDT by osagebowman
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To: HairOfTheDog
FRODO : Gollum, I see dead people.


Thanks for posting this Hair, it's a hoot!


31 posted on 10/02/2002 6:01:57 AM PDT by maquiladora
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To: HairOfTheDog
Bump for later reading.
32 posted on 10/02/2002 9:57:48 AM PDT by AUsome Joy
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To: HairOfTheDog
Hey there, Hair. Sorry I've taken so long to reply. Didn't know until now I'd heard from you, so to speak. I remain a great Tolkien fan but did not know you were still maintaining the threads. Been busy.

All the best ... I'll come around when I can.

33 posted on 10/02/2002 11:08:24 AM PDT by fire and forget
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To: HairOfTheDog
LMAO!!! That's the funniest parody I've yet seen. Thanks!
34 posted on 10/02/2002 11:21:45 AM PDT by fire and forget
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To: fire and forget
It is a clever piece of work!

To answer your earlier question, the Green Dragon is still on hiatus because I haven't had time or energy for it, but we are still rambling as usual in the Hobbit Hole!
35 posted on 10/02/2002 11:59:25 AM PDT by HairOfTheDog
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To: HairOfTheDog
Oh my Gosh! Ok, I finally had time to read this. It's hilarious! Thanks for the link. =)

My hubby and I have been watching the trailer again and again and again and get the picture. hehe. =P

36 posted on 10/06/2002 1:08:34 PM PDT by libertygirl
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To: libertygirl
This thing really is a riot... I still laugh every time I read it!

And yes I get the picture... I think I have the same picture happening here!
37 posted on 10/06/2002 1:17:11 PM PDT by HairOfTheDog
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