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Posted on 09/30/2002 8:26:03 AM PDT by Cagey
MADISON, Wis. -- A man is listed in critical condition after trying to kill his head lice Saturday night.
The 26-year-old doused a towel with rubbing alcohol, put it on his head and then lit a cigarette, police said. The towel caught fire and engulfed the man. He suffered burns on about 50 percent of his body, police said.
He was renting a room with a friend at King's Inn Motel on the West Beltline, police said.
It's usually implied that people who are dumb enough to light their own heads on fire are Dems.
People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) today announced that it is filing a lawsuit charging the Bush administration with cruelty to animals, specifically body lice. "By forcibly shaving the heads and beards of the Taliban detainees at Camp X-Ray, the Bush administration is guilty of the wanton destruction of more than tens of millions of innocent body lice, as their natural habitat is being eliminated," a PETA spokeswoman said today.
"The body lice are innocent non-combatants," she continued. "The detainees don't object to the lice, they're used to them, they've learned to peacefully co-exist with them. Why should the Bush administration unilaterally declare war on an innocent species of lice? Rampant destruction of their homeland, via collateral damage at the hands of mass depilitoriation by clippers, is totally against all that PETA stands for."
"Imagine that you're a louse. You're happily crawling around the follicle of a human hair, looking for warmth, moisture, and a little sustenance. You're just doing your own thing. Suddenly, a clipper descends; this tremendous force just rips away the surrounding environment, and you're crushed to death, like the humans who were killed on 9/11. It's no less horrible, and indeed, probably worse, because we should know better."
"Lice didn't attack America, they didn't hurl their innocent bodies against the WTC. Compassion is called for in this matter. If the government feels that it must relocate the body lice, then they should be carefully and gently removed from their current environment, and transplanted to a suitable replacement habitat. It's time that this administration learns that it cannot arbitrarily wage war on one species."
PETA announced that it was seeking $5,000,000 in damages, and $50,000,000 in punative damages in the suit. PETA said that the damages would be used to pay humans to voluntarily host the body lice, to provide them with a suitable home.
"We will be seeking hirsute humans to host about 200,000 body lice each. We will be able to provide them with room, board, a stipend of $2,000/month, medical benefits, and a retirement plan. In addition they will have free cable TV tuned to the Animal Planet and Discover Channel 24/7."
PETA denounced as unfounded a rumor that the organization had originally chosen the slogan "Save the Lice," but had dropped it after strenuous objections were made by the Democrat National Committee. "It's terrible to try and politicize this issue," she said. "This is all about nature, and how man must learn to subjugate himself to the other species on the planet. Every louse counts, whether in Congress, in politics, or on the bodies of these detainees."
For your amusement, and edification....
posted by ken5050
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