Posted on 09/26/2002 1:25:22 PM PDT by LisaFab
Sex Tips from Donald Rumsfeld
By Stephen Sherrill
Dear Secretary Rumsfeld: My friend told me you can't get pregnant if you have sex in a hot tub. Is that true? —Diane Macdonald, Sioux City, Iowa
Secretary Rumsfeld: There is an awful lot of misinformation out there. Diane, the reality is that you can get pregnant if you have sex in a hot tub. Are hot tubs fun? Yes. Do hot tubs make you want to have sex? You bet. But anybody who believes that you can't get pregnant is simply uninformed, misinformed, or poorly informed, and does not belong in a hot tub.
Dear Secretary Rumsfeld: My husband and I have an active love life, and I'm generally satisfied, but sometimes I'd like him to go "down there." —Kate Waterman, Enid, Oklahoma
Secretary Rumsfeld: Down where? I'm here to answer legitimate questions about sex in a frank and candid way, but I'm not doing this just to waste my time. Do you mean your belly button? Your knees? Your toes? Boca Raton? Argentina?
Dear Secretary Rumsfeld: My wife and I are happily married, but the spark seems to have gone out of our sex life. How can we spice it up? —Harry Blumenthal, Bakersfield, California
Secretary Rumsfeld: There's no great mystery here, Harry. It can't be that hard to understand. You get in there, you do your job, you develop an exit strategy, and you get the heck out of there. That's the way sex works. Why does everything have to be so difficult?
Dear Secretary Rumsfeld: My wife wants me to talk dirty when we make love, but I've never been able to do it. Any advice? —Joel Brennan, Syracuse, New York
Secretary Rumsfeld: Listen, anybody that can talk clean can talk dirty. Dirty talk is just like normal talk, except dirty. Your wife wants dirty talk, so give her dirty talk. Something like, "Those breasts are first-rate," or "I am going to give you a darned good orgasm," or, if she likes the rough stuff, "I'll tell you this, I am about to give you the business and I don't want to hear any guff about it."
Dear Secretary Rumsfeld: I keep reading about something called the G-spot, but I can't seem to find it. Can you tell me where it is? —Elizabeth Kaplan, Tacoma, Washington
Secretary Rumsfeld: I could tell you. But I'm not inclined to.
Dear Secretary Rumsfeld: I'm thinking about trying a threesome, but I don't know how to approach my girlfriend about it. Have you ever tried a threesome? —Dave Barcott, Boulder, Colorado
Secretary Rumsfeld: Nice try, Dave. I can see what you're trying to do, but you're going to have to do better than that. Donald Rumsfeld is not going to be tricked into revealing something stupid about Donald Rumsfeld and Mrs. Donald Rumsfeld by such a question. If I answer, then someone will say, "Oh, goodness, the Rumsfelds are into threesomes," and then it gets repeated and picked up, and then suddenly everybody's talking about Donald Rumsfeld and Mrs. Donald Rumsfeld and threesomes, and that's not what this is about. That said, bring it up in a very loving way and let her choose the third party. Also, alcohol never hurts.
Dear Secretary Rumsfeld: If you have sex in a hot tub, can you get pregnant? —Molly Chaplan, Toledo, Ohio
Secretary Rumsfeld: Good gosh. Okay, yes, yes, you can get pregnant from having sex in a hot tub. In fact, you can't not get pregnant from having sex in a hot tub, nor can you get pregnant without having sex in a hot tub. I hope I've answered your question, Molly.
Dear Secretary Rumsfeld: My husband has a problem with premature ejaculation. Is there something I could do to make him last longer? —Ellen Shapiro, Knoxville, Tennessee
Secretary Rumsfeld: I'm just going to say this once. There is no such thing as premature ejaculation. There is ejaculation, and there is non-ejaculation. If your husband is ejaculating, then count your blessings. Congratulations, you just had sex. That's what men do—they ejaculate. All this business about, "Oh, henny penny, my husband is a premature ejaculator!" is just a lot of twaddle and claptrap. You say it enough and pretty soon, believe me, he won't be ejaculating at all.
Dear Secretary Rumsfeld: My boyfriend sometimes likes to put on makeup and dress in women's underpants when we make love. Should I be worried? —Amanda Stein, St. Albans, Vermont
Secretary Rumsfeld: I am not an expert in this area, but I will refer this question to General Tommy Franks and have him get back to you.
What's really being satirized here is sexual advice columnists. What's really being implicitly praised is Rumsfeld's style of no-nonsense straight talk and how it would apply to the wishy-washy world of sexual advice.
Rumsfeld isn't being mocked in this piece at all, which is why nobody here is complaining.
A similar piece with questions for Clinton wouldn't work because Clinton speaks in the same mushy way that most advice columnists write (not to mention all the ironies given Clinton's deviancy). You might get a chuckle out of "it all depends on what the meaning of 'orgasm' is", but not much of a laugh.
It's a satirical piece. Quit turning everything into a calamity.
This is so funny!!
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