FREEPER NEEDS CLEAN JOKES

[hoosierskypilot]

I need clean jokes. Family oriented jokes. No profanity or sexual innuendos, please. Can you help? Thanks.

[GenXFreedomFighter]

An electrical engineer, a chemical engineer, and a Microsoft engineer are driving down the road and the car suddenly stalls. The engine cannot be restarted. The engineers put on their thinking caps and try to get the car started again.

The electrical engineer suggests stripping down the electronic systems and testing circuits one by one.

The chemical engineer suggests flushing the fuel system to eliminate any contaminants.

The Microsoft engineer says, "Hey guys, why don't we just close all the windows, get out, get back in, open all the windows, and see if it'll start again? That's what I always do."

[lilylangtree]

What's black and blue and goes "ding dong"? Answer: A beat-up Avon lady

[Lady Jag]

Frankly, I prefer clean jokes.

The shopkeeper was dismayed when a brand new business much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read BEST DEALS.

He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading LOWEST PRICES.

The shopkeeper was panicked, until he got an idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop-it read...

MAIN ENTRANCE.

[Argh]

This one's been posted here in various forms several times.

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson are camping on the moors (probably still looking for the Hound of the Baskervilles). Holmes says, "Look up, Dr. Watson. What does that sight tell you?"

Watson looks at the stars in the night sky and says, "It speaks to me of the greatness of God and the glories of Creation, the Beauty of Nature, and the insignificance of Man. What does it tell you, Holmes?"

"Elementary my dear Watson. It tells me that someone has stolen our tent!"

( I've heard Holmes never said that "Elementary my dear Watson" thing to Watson in the books, but it was part of the joke).

Miss Chris, I apologize for bringing you to this clean place...

:^)

[dinasour]

Originally posted by FReeper gilor

 

The Atheist and the Bear

 

An atheist was walking through the woods, admiring all the "accidents" that evolution had created. "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!", he said to himself.

 

As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. Turning to look, he saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw the grizzly was closing in. Somehow, he ran even faster, so scared that tears came to his eyes.

 

He looked again and the bear was even closer. His heart was pounding and he tried to run faster. He tripped and fell to the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but, the bear was right over him, reaching for him with its left paw and raising its right paw to strike him. At that instant the atheist cried, "Oh my God!...."

 

Time stopped.

 

The bear froze.

 

The forest was silent.

 

Even the river stopped moving.

 

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky, "You deny my existence for all these years, teach others that I don't exist and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"

 

The atheist looked directly into the light, " It would be hypocritical to ask to be a Christian after all these years, but perhaps you could make the bear a Christian?"

 

"Very well" said the voice.

 

The light went out. The river ran. The sounds of the forest resumed.

 

...and then the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together and bowed its head and spoke:

 

"Lord, for this food which I am about to receive, I am truly thankful

 

 

[WhyisaTexasgirlinPA]

I really have a hard time understanding these clean jokes.......... lol......

[wyleman]

What did the snail say when he rode on the turtles back?
Weeeeeeee

[Lady Jag]

Is Al Gore a dirty joke?

[WhyisaTexasgirlinPA]

Well he is a joke, is he dirty though? I don't want to get close enough to find out...........

[Lady Jag]

Well, hoosierskypilot didn't want any dirty jokes and I wanted to double check. I figured since the Washington Post said in response to his speech that he wasn't fit to aspire to higher office, he might now be an untouchable.

[WhyisaTexasgirlinPA]

Well that was very thoughtful of you....... algore is, at the very least, an unclean joke...... lol

[Lady Jag]

Well, there is that virus, the AL GORE virus, that causes your computer to just keep counting.

[Texaggie79]

seriously, you can get jail time in some parts of the country for posting such lame jokes

;-P

[Texaggie79]

You said "erected"... huhuhuhuhu

[WhyisaTexasgirlinPA]

It also causes your screen saver to look like it has a "bulge" near the center of the screen.....but it is just an optical illusion..........

[Lady Jag]

Oh yeah, I did. When I first read your post about "erected" I thought it referred to my Gore post and you had a typing impediment.

[Lady Jag]

You can also use your imaginary air brush on the imaginary bulge, I'd imagine.

[WhyisaTexasgirlinPA]

It would HAVE to be imaginary.....I wouldn't touch anything that had "algore" written on it.......... lol

[Lady Jag]

It would HAVE to be imaginary.....I wouldn't touch anything that had "algore" written on it.......... lol

It'd be nice if algore were imaginary but I know my mind wouldn't do that to me.

In his own mind he's probably the imaginary president. However, lately and thankfully, he seems to have given up imagining he's Reagan.

[christine]

yes, clean is soooo boring, isn't it? miss why and i expect so much better from you, arghy. ;)