Posted on 09/24/2002 9:43:04 PM PDT by hoosierskypilot
Why was six afraid of seven?
Because seven eight nine!
What's green and flies over poland?
Peter Pansky...
Stopping
After the fourth puppy, I noticed my talkative client had grown silent. As I sprinkled the last pup's head, the woman leaned forward and whispered, "I didn't know they had to be baptized, too."
The hot dog vendor fixes a hot dog and hands it to the Zen Master, who pays with a $20 bill. The vendor puts the bill in the cash box and closes it.
"Where's my change?" asks the Zen Master.
And the vendor responds, "Change must come from within."
He says, "There are an awful lot of flies in here and I've been swatting them."
The woman asks, "Have you killed any?" The husband replies, "Yup - three males and two females."
Surprised by his answer, the woman asks, "How do you which ones were male and which ones were female?"
The man replies, "Three were on a beer can and the other two were on the telephone."
Well, there's the one about the guy and the girl in the shower..... >:)=
-Eric
Two young troublemakers, best friends, were waiting outside the Headmaster's office. They had been in trouble so many times before that the frustrated Headmaster decided to try a counseling approach to the problem instead of the usual punishments.
He call in the first boy and said to him, "Son, where is God in your life?" The boy's face went white as a sheet. He stared at the floor nervously and said nothing. Finally, the Headmaster sent him out and called in the second boy.
As they passed in the foyer, the second boy saw the first boy's panicked expression and said "Oh my gosh! What did he say?"
The first boy said in a low voice, "We're in big, BIG trouble this time. God is missing and they think we did it!"
A man was driving along in his mini and it broke down. He was parked on the verge trying fix it when a Jaguar pulled over in front of him and the man offered to help. After a few minutes they obviously weren't going to get it going so the Jaguar driver offered him a tow. They hitched up the mini and agreed that, if he was going too fast, the mini would blow his horn and flash his lights to get him to slow down, and off they set.
At the next traffic lights a Ferrari pulls up beside the Jaguar and revs his engine provocatively a few times. When the lights turn to amber the Ferrari and the Jaguar burn rubber and are both soon doing 140 mph.
After a while they go through a speed trap and the policeman, realizing that he will need help catching them, radios in for assistance saying:
"You won't believe what I saw; a Ferrari and a Jaguar doing 140 mph side by side and a mini behind them flashing his lights and blowing his horn trying to get past".
The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls". I told my husband that I would be home by midnight ... "I promise!"
Well, the hours passed and the champagne was going down way too easy. Around 3 a.m., drunk as a skunk, I headed for home.
Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.
Quickly, realizing he'd probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when smashed), in order to escape a possible conflict with him.
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him 12 o'clock. He didn't seem disturbed at all. Whew! Got away with that one!
Then he said we need a new cuckoo clock.
When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, "Oh poop!", cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it's throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then farted.
One afternoon, I was in the backyard hanging the laundry when an old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home.
But when I walked into the house, he followed me, sauntered down the hall and fell asleep in a corner. An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.
The next day he was back. He resumed his position in the hallway and slept for an hour. This continued for several weeks. Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: "Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap."
The next day he arrived with a different note pinned to his collar: "He lives in a home with ten children - he's trying to catch up on his sleep."
Disclaimer: Opinions posted on Free Republic are those of the individual posters and do not necessarily represent the opinion of Free Republic or its management. All materials posted herein are protected by copyright law and the exemption for fair use of copyrighted works.