How to Piss Off Telemarketers

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[Pern]

I'm going print this and keep it by the phone :-)

[Big Guy and Rusty 99]

ha ha ha . . . I love this kind of stuff. did you ever see the 'tips to keep your office interesting' list? Hillarious.

[AppyPappy]

Tell the Telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they could bring you some beer.

Keeper.

[CROSSHIGHWAYMAN]

I like to listen to the entire spiel and try to guess what state the caller is from.

I've become a good identifier of accents.

Once I had a 15 minute conversation with a nice lady from Oklahoma who had much in common with me.

[egarvue]

bump

[TheCPA]

Great defenses. I often have thought that someone should write a book entitled "How to Defend Yourself from Positive Thinking Salesmen." There are all those books and tapes out there to teach salesmen how to overcome objecttions, keeping making closes etc until the customer buys. It is about time that the buyers had some good techniques to counter the salesmen.

[machman]

I don't waste my time. My response usually to cut them off, but then say politely, "I'm sorry, I'm not interested, thank you" then click, hang up before I finish the last sound of "you".

[dennisw]

Just tell them you're broke and drunk and belch loudly into phone. Then hang up.

[Pharmboy]

One that I read somewhere and actually USED was this:

Telemarketer: Good afternoon. I would like to talk to you today about your long distance service.

ME: Oh--I'm sooo glad you called. My community theatre group is putting on a production of "Oklahoma!" and I need someone to listen to me sing the song ("Poor Jud is Dead") that I am going to do for the audition.

Telemarketer: [click]

[PMCarey]

I had a telemarketer from a phone company call to tell me that he could save me money on my phone bill. In a very irritated voice, I asked him HOW he got a copy of my phone bill. That this was outrageous. That that sort of information was supposed to be private. How dare he get a copy of my phone bill?!! I demanded to talk to his supervisor RIGHT NOW.

He hung up pretty quick.

[ErnBatavia]

Just tell them you're broke and drunk and belch loudly into phone. Then hang up.

You could do that "grasp your cheek with thumb and forefinger" thing and make that sound similar to X42 tossing off into a sink.

[Shryke]

My best attempt at freaking out a telemarketer was when I was visiting my Father and I answered his phone for him. We had already drank some Scotch as well, so we were in a jovial mood. When the caller identified himself as a TM, I immediately screamed at my father (standing right next to me)"HEY! ***DAMMIT BRING ME ANOTHER BEER WOMAN!" And asked him to go on. As he continued, rattled, I continued to yell at my imaginary wife with more of the same wife-beater rhetoric. Ultimately the guy was so upset he asked me if he should call the police. It was priceless, and my pop laughed for a good 20 minutes.

[cuz_it_aint_their_money]

Yes, these are all very good.
However, what really tics them off the most is when you inform the tele-pest that your name and number is listed on the National Do-Not-Call list, which they just violated. You also tell them that you will be notifying your state's attorney general who will in turn issue a citation to the tele-pest and their company for this violation. The citation will cost them anywhere between $100 and $300 for each call they place.
Make sure you tell them to have a nice day when you hang up!
That's always a nice touch.

[Big Guy and Rusty 99]

I actually was a telemarketer for a little while . . . because I needed the money . . . When people asked me for my number at home, I gave them the phone number of someone I didn't like. (Like at the time [X42], the white house) Fun and Educational!

[Kenton]

I recently got an unlisted phone number and the telemarketers dropped off to zero. Occasionally I'll get a computer generated call now (hey, ya just dial random numbers long enough, somebody will answer), and I just tell them thanks but I'm not interested.

They're a pain in the ass, I know, but remember, it's just some poor chump trying to make a living.

I did use to have a major problem though; my old phone number was one digit off from the local pizza shop. I was constantly getting calls for people trying to order pizza.

For awhile I just politely told them they called the wrong number, even gave them the right number.... till I just ran out of patience.

After that, I just started taking their orders, telling them "OK, 20 minutes" and letting them show up hungry at the pizza shop with the pizza guy not having a clue about their order.

[I Hired Craig Livingstone]

Great defenses. I often have thought that someone should write a book entitled "How to Defend Yourself from Positive Thinking Salesmen."

I don't think you really need a book for that — just assume any salesman not salaried or hourly is out to screw you.

[HairOfTheDog]

I had a brief stint AS a telephone solicitor when I was young... I was selling family portraits.

You have no idea how many odd folk are out there, and, how many funny people there are that are more than happy to talk to just about anyone who calls!

But you would also not believe how successful it is. There really are people who are willing to buy stuff that is offered over the phone. It must work, or they wouldn't do it.

I just hate talking to them. I have a crack in my windshield that I don't feel like doing anything about, but I made the mistake of admitting that to one of the windshield people. Now they won't leave me alone!

And the phone company people really bug me, because I can't decide things about phone service over the phone. Show me a cost comparison on paper. They won't. So I tell them that I will keep my long distance company no matter what the cost, because at least they aren't bugging me all the time.

[HairOfTheDog]

I think it is perfectly acceptable to pay people by commission in sales.

I always ask a good salesman if they are commission, and they are always embarassed to admit it. I always say, no no, I just think you have done a good job, and if you are on commission and I don't buy this thing today, I at least want to buy it from you when I come back next week. Hate to give the sale to someone else!

[Maceman]

Cute. But its easier just to say: "Thanks for calling, but I really don't have time for this right now. Can you please put me on your Do Not Call List?

It works just as well (or better) than a snide quip, is probably faster in getting the person off the phone, and makes better karma.

I see no reason to be rude to total strangers who are just trying to make a living. Better that they're telemarketing than that they're panhandling.

[Hatteras]

John Boy & Billy (morning radio show simulcast in the southeast out of Charlotte) has a frequent bit where this fellow named Willie P. Richardson comes on with his latest recorded "crank call". Sometimes he calls, sometimes he answers and gets salesmen. Each time they are hysterical.

Willie P. Richardson

He once had a call from a man selling burial plots. Willie thanked the man for calling and began telling him about how his life has been just going down the tubes. He lost his job, his wife left, his dog got hit by a car, his daughter was arrested for prostitution, the bank is foreclosing on his house, etc... He was losing the will to live and he was sitting on his couch with a .38 in his lap, praying to Jesus to tell him what to do, give him a sign, any sign... and this call was the sign! Willie thanked him again and told him that he now knew what he must do.

Well the poor salesman started trying to talk Willie out of taking his life while attempting to find out where he lived. Not getting too far, the salesman actually let Willie know that they DO take credit cards! I nearly drove off the road!

Willie ended the call slamming a book or something to simulate a gunshot and the last thing you heard was, "Sir?.....Sir?.......Oh, Sh!t...