Posted on 08/29/2002 6:23:01 AM PDT by E Rocc
Lamentations of the Father
(Household Principles for Children)
-- Laws of Forbidden Places:
Verily, of the beasts of the field, and of the fishes of the sea, and of all foods that are acceptable in my sight thou may eat, but not in thy living room.
Of the hoofed animals, broiled or ground into burgers, thou may eat, but not in thy living room.
Of the cereal grains, of the corn and of the wheat and of the oats, and of all the cereals that are of bright color and unknown provenance thou may eat, but not in thy living room.
Of quiescently frozen dessert and of all frozen after-meal treats thou may eat, but abso-effing-lutely not in thy living room.
Of the juices and of the other beverages, yea, even of those in sippy-cups, thou may drink of, but not in thy living room, neither may thee carry such therein.
Indeed, when thou reach the place where the living room carpet begins, of any food or beverage there thou may not eaten, neither may thou drink.
But, if thou are sick, and are lying down and watching something educational on public broadcasting television, only then thou may sup and sip in thy living room.
-- Laws When at Table:
And if thou are seated in thy high chair, or in a chair such as a greater person might use, keepest thy legs and feet below thee as they were.
Neither raisest up thy knees, nor place thy feet upon the table, for that is an abomination unto me. Yea, even when thy have an interesting bandage to show, thy feet upon the table are an abomination unto me, and worthy of much rebuke.
Drink thy milk as it is given you, neither use on it any utensils, nor fork, nor knife, nor spoon, for that is not what they art for; if thee will dip thy blocks in the milk and lick it off, thou will be sent off away from mine presence.
When thou have drunk, let the empty cup then remaineth upon the table, and do not bite it upon its edge and by thy teeth hold it to thy face in order to make noises in it sounding like a duck: for thee will be sent forth away from mine presence.
When thou chewest your food, keep thy mouth closed until thee have swallowed, and do not open it to show thy brother or thy sister what is within; verily I say again unto you, do not so, even if thy brother or thy sister has done the same to thee.
Eat thy food only; neither eat that which is not food; nor seize the table between thy jaws, nor use the raiment of the table to wipe thy lips. I say again unto you, do not touch it, but leave it as it is.
And though thy stick of carrot does indeed resemble a marker, draw not with it upon the table, even in pretend, for we do not do that, that is why.
And though the pieces of broccoli are very like small trees, do not stand them upright to make a forest upon thy mashed potatoes, because we do not do that either, and that is why also.
Sit just as I have told thee, and do not lean to one side nor the other, nor slide down until thou art nearly slid away. Behold, heed me; for if thee sit like that, thy hair will go into the syrup. And now behold, even as I have said it has come to pass.
-- Laws Pertaining to Dessert:
For we judgeth between the plate that is unclean and the plate that is clean, saying first, if the plate is clean, then thou shall have dessert.
But of the unclean plate, the laws are these: If thee have eaten most of thy meat, and two bites of thy peas with each bite consisting of not less than three peas each, or in total six peas, eaten where I can behold them, and thee have also eaten enough of thy potatoes to fill two forks, yea, both forkfuls eaten where I can see, then thou shall have dessert.
But if thee eat a lesser number of peas, and yet thee eat the potatoes, still thou shall not have dessert; and if thou eat the peas, yet leave the potatoes uneaten, thou shall not have dessert, yea I say unto you, not even a small portion thereof.
And if thou tryest to deceive by moving the potatoes or peas around with a fork, that it may appear thee have eaten what thou have not, thou will fall into iniquity. Yea, and I will knowest, and thou shall have no dessert.
-- On Screaming:
Do not scream; for it is as if thee scream all the time. If thou are given a plate on which two foods thee do not wish to "touch" each other are "touching" each other, thy voice rises up even unto the ceiling while thou pointest to the offense with the forefinger of thy right hand; but verily I say unto you, scream not, only remonstrate gently with the server, that the server may correct the fault.
Likewise if thou receive a portion of fish from which every speck of herbal seasoning has not been scraped off, and the herbal seasoning is loathsome to thee and steeped in vileness, again I say verily, refrain from screaming. Though the vileness overwhelm thee, and cause you a faint unto death, make not that sound from within thy throat, neither cover thy face, nor press thy fingers to thy nose. For even as I have made the fish as it should be; behold, I eat of it myself, yet do not perish.
-- Concerning Face and Hands:
Cast thy countenance upward unto the light, and lift thy eyes to the distant hills, that I may more easily wash thee off. For the stains are upon thee; even to the very back of thy head, there is rice thereon.
And in the breast pocket of thy garment, and upon the tie of thy shoe, rice and other fragments are distributed in a manner beyond comprehension.
Only hold thyself still; hold still, I say. Give each finger in its turn for my examination thereof, and also each thumb. Lo, how iniquitous they appear. What I do is as it must be; and thou shalt not go hence until I have done.
-- Various Other Laws, Statutes, and Ordinances:
Bite not, lest thee be cast into loathsome quiet time. Neither drink of thine own bath water, nor of the bath water of any kind; nor rub thy feet on bread, even if it be in the package; nor rub thy feet against cars, not against any building; nor eat of unleavened sand.
Verily I say unto thee, suffer not the cat, for what hast the cat done that thou should so afflict it with tape? And hum not the humming in thy nose as I readeth, nor stand between the light and the book. Indeed, thou will drive me unto madness. Nor shalt thee forget what I have said about the tape.
I wonder if there is a complete transcript out there in the ether. I'm showing this to my pastor, he likes to read stuff like this before the sermon. ;^)
GEEK...
Mighty big words from someone who takes pride in his Yanni collection...
I have no idea who that ... person/people/thing is...but you do , huh?...hmmm....
I actually enjoy small doses of Keillor...
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