JOKE THREAD

an email ^ | 8/26/02 | unknown

[Sungirl]

I never see a running joke thread in here....so I thought I'd start one since I received this great joke. Hope you will add on.....

[dixie sass]

That one is on the way to my brother the minister. It was very punny.

[MeekOneGOP]

LOL! Thanks.......

[MagnoliaMS]

This thread has been great. I could use the laughs!

Let me see if I can remember one of my all-time favorites from too many years ago. Please bear with me. Okay, here goes....

Hillbilly lady just had her 10th child. The doctor says, "This just has to stop, Betty Lou. Take this little pamphlet home with you, read it, and do just what it says."

Nine months later, here she is having her 11th. The doctor asks her if she read the pamphlet. Betty Lou says she did. "But," she says, "when we come to the part that said 'put a rubber over the organ,' we didn't have no organ, so we just threw a sheet over the piano."

[MeekOneGOP]

hehehe......

[B4Ranch]

While enjoying an Early morning breakfast in a northern Arizona café, four elderly ranchers were discussing everything from cattle, horses, and weather to how things used to be in the "good old days."

Eventually the conversation moved on to their spouses. One gentleman turned to the fellow on his right and asked, "Roy, aren't you and your bride celebrating your 50th wedding anniversary soon?" "Yup, we sure are," Roy replied. "Well, are you gonna do anything special to celebrate?" another man asked. The old gentleman pondered this for a moment, then replied, "For our 25th anniversary, I took Bea to Tucson. Maybe for our 50th, I'll go down there and get her."

[Frapster]

thanks for that!

[glock rocks]

70 above zero:
Floridians start to notice 'the nip' in the wind.
Arizonians abandon the state, heading for the equator.

60 above zero:
Floridians turn on the heat.
People in Utah plant gardens.

50 above zero:
Californians shiver uncontrollably.
People in Provo sunbathe.

40 above zero:
Italian & English cars won't start.
People in Utah drive with the windows down.

32 above zero:
Distilled water freezes.
The water in Utah Lake gets thicker.

20 above zero:
Floridians don coats, thermal underwear, gloves, and wool hats.
People in Utah throw on a flannel shirt.

15 above zero:
New York landlords finally turn up the heat.
People in Utah have the last cookout before it gets cold.

Zero:
People in Miami all die.
Utahns close the windows.

10 below zero:
Californians fly away to Mexico.
People in Utah get out their winter coats.

25 below zero:
Hollywood disintegrates.
The Girl Scouts in Utah are selling cookies door to door.

40 below zero:
Washington, DC runs out of hot air
People in Utah let the dogs sleep indoors.

100 below zero:
Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.
Utahans get frustrated because they can't start the Mini-Van.

460 below zero:
ALL atomic motion stops (absolute zero on the Kelvin scale.)
People in Utah start saying..."Cold 'nuff fer ya?"

500 below zero:
Hell freezes over.
Utah Jazz win the NBA Championship!

[glock rocks]

A little old couple walked slowly into McDonalds one cold winter evening.

They looked out of place amid the young families and young couples eating there that night. Some of the customers looked admiringly at them. You could tell what the admirers were thinking. "Look, there is a couple who has been through a lot together, probably for 60 years or more!"

The little old man walked right up to the cash register, placed his order with no hesitation and then paid for their meal. The couple took a table near the back wall and started taking food off the tray. There was one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink. The little old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half. He placed one half in front of his wife. Then he carefully counted out the French fries, divided them in two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink, and his wife took a sip and then
set the cup down between them.

As the man began to eat his few bites of hamburger the crowd began to get restless. Again you could tell what they were thinking. "That poor old couple. All they can afford is one meal for the two of them."

As the man began to eat his French fries one young man stood offered and came over to the old couples' table. He politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple to eat. The old man replied that they were just fine. They were used to sharing everything.

Then the crowd noticed that the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She just sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink. Again the man came over and begged them to let him buy them something to eat. This time the lady explained that no, they were used to sharing everything together. As the little old man finished eating and was wiping his face neatly with a napkin the young man could stand it no longer.

Again he came over to their table and offered to buy some food. After being politely refused again he finally asked a question of the little old lady. "Ma'am, why aren't you eating? You said that you share everything. What is it that you are waiting for?"

She answered...
"The teeth."

[ironman]

Very very funny. You would not believe how many apply to me! I am now in mega training mode for the big race in Hawaii. It is train-eat-work-train-eat-train-sleep 24/7. Everything else takes a back seat.

[hillarynot]

It is important for men to remember that as women grow older it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping they did when they were younger. When men notice this, they should try not to yell.

Let me relate how I handle the situation.


When I chucked my job and took early retirement a year ago, it became necessary for my wife to get a full-time job both for extra income and for health insurance benefits that we need. She was a trained lab tech when we met thirty some years ago and was fortunate to land a job at the local medical center as a phlebotomist.


It was shortly after she started working at this job that I noticed that she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from fishing or hunting bout the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says that she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts supper. I try not to yell at her when this happens. Instead, I tell her to take her time. I understand that she is not as young as she used to be. I just tell her to wake me when she finally does get supper on the table.


She used to wash and dry the dishes as soon as we finished eating. It is now not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after supper. I do what I can by reminding her several times each evening that they aren't cleaning themselves. I know she appreciates this, as it does seem to help her get them done before she goes to bed.


Our washer and dryer are in the basement. When she was younger, she used to be able to go up and down the stairs all day and not get tired. Now that she is older she seems to get tired so much more quickly. Sometimes she says she just can't make another trip down those steps. I don't make a big issue of this. As long as she finishes up the laundry the next evening I am willing to overlook it. Not only that, but unless I need something ironed to wear to the Monday's Lions meeting or to Wednesday's or Saturday's poker club or to Tuesday's or Thursday's bowling or something like that, I will tell her to wait until the next evening to do the ironing. This gives her a little more time to do some of those odds and ends things like shampooing the dog, vacuuming, or dusting.


Also, if I have had really good day fishing, this allows her to gut and scale the fish at a more leisurely pace. She is starting to complain a little occasionally. Not often, mind you, but just enough for me to notice. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. In spite of her complaining, I continue to try to offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any, if you know what I mean.


When doing simple jobs she seems to think she needs more rest periods than she used to have to take. A couple of weeks ago she said she had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard. I overlook comments like these because I realize its just age talking. In fact, I try to not embarrass her when she needs these little extra rest breaks. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. I tell her that as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me and take her break by the hammock so she can talk with me until I fall asleep.


I could go on and on, but I think you know where I'm coming from. I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support my wife on a daily basis. I'm not saying that the ability to show this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible. No one knows better than I do how frustrating women can become, as they get older.


My purpose in writing this is simply to suggest that you make the effort. I realize that achieving the exemplary level of showing consideration I have attained is out of reach for the average man. However guys, even if you just yell at your wife a little less often because of this article, I will consider that writing it was worthwhile

[cuz_it_aint_their_money]

TOP TEN REASONS WHY TRICK OR TREATING IS BETTER THAN SEX.....

10. You are guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.

9. If you get tired, you can wait 10 minutes and go at it again.

8. The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.

7. You don't have to compliment the person who gives you some.

6. It's O.K. when the person you're with fantasizes you're someone else, because you are.

5. Forty years from now you'll still enjoy candy.

4. If you don't like what you get, you can always go next door.

3. It doesn't matter if the kids hear you moaning and groaning.

2. Less guilt the morning after.

1. You can do the whole neighborhood.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

TOP TEN REASONS STUDYING IS BETTER THAN SEX.....

10. You can usually find someone to do it with.

9. If you get tired, you can stop, save your place and pick up where you left off.

8. You can finish early with-out feelings of guilt or shame.

7. When you open a book, you don't have to worry about who else has opened it.

6. A little coffee and you can do it all night.

5. If you don't finish a chapter you won't gain a reputation as a "book teaser."

4. You can do it, eat and watch TV all at the same time.

3. You don't get embarrassed if your parents interrupt you in the middle.

2. You don't have to put your beer down to do it.

1. If you aren't sure what you're doing, you can always ask your roommate for help!

[jbstrick]

Classic. My father was a master at letters like this.

[glock rocks]

Due to the popularity of the Survivor shows, Texas is planning to do its own, entitled Survivor - Texas Style. The contestants will start in Dallas, travel to Waco, Austin, San Antonio, over to Houston and down to Brownsville. They will then proceed up to Del Rio, on to El Paso, then to Midland, Odessa, Lubbock and Amarillo. From there, they'll proceed to Abilene, Ft. Worth and finally back to Dallas.

Each will be driving a pink Volvo with a bumper sticker that reads, "I'm gay, I'm a vegetarian, I voted for Al Gore, George Strait Sucks, Hillary in 2004, and I'm here to confiscate your guns!"

The first one to make it back to Dallas alive wins.

[riley1992]

Aging Mildred was a 93 year old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband, Earl. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.

Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was so badly broken in the first place.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and burden someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be on a woman.

The doctor said, "Your heart would be just below your left breast."

Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.

[WhyisaTexasgirlinPA]

Oh, low blow...........lol

The Pope is visiting in California........ he asks his limo driver if he can drive....he is tired of always being driven everywhere........ the driver says yes......

A Highway Patrolman pulls him over....... calls the dispatcher and says, "You'll never believe who I have pulled over!"

Dispatcher says, " Is it a movie star?"

"No," says the Patrolman, "bigger than a movie star"

"Is it the governor?", asks the dispatcher

"No, bigger than the governor" says the patrolman

"Is it the President of the United States?" asks the dispatcher

"No, bigger than the President of the United States," says the patrolman

"Then who did you pull over?" asks the dispatcher

"It must be Jesus Christ himself," says the patrolman. "He has the Pope as his driver"...........

[riley1992]

LOL. Okay, in the Catholic vein.....

An Irishman's been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally says that the bar is closing. So the Irishman stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time, same result. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.

Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face. So he decides to crawl the 4 blocks to his home and when he arrives at the door he stands up and falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door into his bedroom. When he reaches his bed he tries one more time to stand up.

This time he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly falls right into bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow. He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting at him.

"So, you've been out drinking again!!"

"What makes you say that?" He asks as he puts on an innocent look.

"The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again."

[WhyisaTexasgirlinPA]

OH, that one hurt it was so funny..........

[MeekOneGOP]

heh heh heh ! That's a classic. Thanks.

[Non-Sequitur]

bump

[fnord]

TOP TEN HALLOWEEN PHRASES THAT COUND DIRTY BUT AREN'T:

10. She's a goblin!
9. I'd like to get a little something in the sack.
8. Let me see your bag....OH! You're having a great night!
7. Just get on your hands and knees and bob your head.
6. She's got a couple of nice pumpkins on her porch.
5. If you just lick it, it'll last longer.
4. Show me your JuJuBees and I'll let you see my Zagnuts.
3. Have your mom check it before you put it in your mouth...
2. You scared me stiff!
1. He's got Candy spread out on the living room floor!