Posted on 07/09/2002 2:01:58 PM PDT by Drew68
From the Teen-ager Owner's Manual:
Congratulations! You are now the proud new owner of a teen-age daughter. Please read this manual, as it describes the maintenance of your new daughter, and answers important questions about your warranty (which does NOT include the right to return the product to the factory for a full refund.)
If you feel you have received your teen-ager in error: To determine whether you were supposed to receive a teen-age girl, please examine your new daughter carefully. Does she (a) look very similar to your original daughter, only with more makeup and less clothing? (b) refuse to acknowledge your existence on the planet Earth (except when requesting money)? (c) sleep in a burrow of dirty laundry? If any of these are true, you have received the correct item. Nice try, though.
Break-in period: When you receive your teen-age daughter, you will experience a high level of discomfort. Gradually, this discomfort will subside, and you will merely feel traumatized. This is the "Break-In Period," during which you are becoming accustomed to certain behaviors that will cause you concern, anxiety and stress. Once you have adapted, your teen-ager will start acting even worse.
Activation: To activate your teen-age daughter, simply place her in the vicinity of a telephone.
Shutdown: Several hours after activation, you may desire to shut down your teen-age daughter. There is no way to do this.
Cleaning your teen-age daughter: Having a teen-age daughter means learning the difference between the words "clean" and "neat." Teen-age daughters are very clean, because they take frequent showers that last more than an hour. They will scrub themselves with expensive, fragrant soaps which you must purchase because, like, I'm sure I'm going to use, like, the same kind of soap my mom and dad use. When they have drained the hot-water tank, they will step out and wrap themselves in every towel in the bathroom, which they will subsequently strew throughout the house. If you ask them to pick up the towels, you are confusing "clean" with "neat." Teen-agers are very busy and do not have time to be neat. They expect others to pick up after them. These others are called "parents."
Feeding your teen-age daughter: Your teen-age daughter requires regular meals, which must be purchased for her at restaurants because she detests everything you eat because it is, like, so disgusting. She does not want you to accompany her to these restaurants. Either order take-out food or just give her the money - preferably both.
Clothing your teen-age daughter: Retailers make millions of dollars a year selling stylish and frankly sensible clothing which will look adorable on your daughter. If you enjoy shopping, you will love the vast selections which are available to you. Unfortunately, your teen-age daughter wants to dress like a lap dancer.
Other maintenance: Teen-age daughters require one of two levels of maintenance: "High" and "Ultra High." Your daughter is "Ultra High." This means that whatever you do won't be enough and whatever you try won't work.
Warranty: This product is not without defect because she has your genes, for heaven's sake. If you think this is not fair, talk to your parents, who think it is hilarious. Your teen-age daughter will remain a teen-ager for as long as it takes for her to become a woman, which in her opinion has already happened and as far as you are concerned never really will. If you are dissatisfied with your teen-age daughter, well, what did you expect? In any event, your warranty does not give you your little girl back under any circumstances, except that deep down she's actually still there - you just have to look for her.
W. Bruce Cameron's column appears Saturday in Home Front. www.wbrucecameron.com
Enjoy.
My parents lucked out with three boys (although we were far from angels). My high-school sweetheart came from a family with *six* girls (her dad kept trying for a son to no avail.) They were all hot as well! That poor father. I always wondered how he paid for weddings. He was older than his years.
I have a 17 year-old daughter and a 16 year-old son. I wouldn't trade her for anything on Earth, but boy is she high-maintenance! I would have to throw my lot in with the 'boys are much easier' crowd.
DTOM
"Shutdown: Several hours after activation, you may desire to shut down your teen-age daughter. There is no way to do this."
We learned to physically disconect the phone from the input source leading into the house at 9:00 pm. And NEVER EVER agree to a cell phone unless she pays for it. Our oldest NEEDED a cell phone. She had to wait until she was 18 and she paid for it. After the first bill, the cell phone ended.
P.S. Same with pagers
Ladders are fairly inexpensive.....
Agreed. With a teenage boy, you only have to worry about one penis. With a daughter, you have to worry about all of them.
Mine too. Funny, he has 5 sisters and one brother who is 12 years younger than him. He doesn't remember his house being like ours, but he probably never paid attention then. Guys have a great way of tuning out.
I got so mad at my youngest when she was 14. I went through all her clothes and got rid of all the slutty things. It's amazing what they can sneak in and out of the house. She hated me for a long time. It's so hard setting standards when the media and retailers insist on selling this garbage. I hope they have girls someday.
That should be the quote of the day.
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