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The Onion presents: Important Golf Tips
The Onion ^ | June 19, 2002 | the onion

Posted on 07/07/2002 6:21:34 PM PDT by Nachum

Warm weather is here, and it's time to hit the links. Here are some tips to help you improve your game:

*When teeing off, don't forget to shout "Fore!" for some reason.
*To get the most out of a Sunday afternoon on the golf course, be trapped in a loveless marriage to a shrill, clothes-obsessed witch you can't stand to be around.
*If you encounter a dark-skinned person while golfing, do not panic. Maintain an air of respect, hand over all your valuables, and walk quickly to the clubhouse.
*When beating other golfers to death, try a three-iron instead of a wood. You'd be amazed by the difference.
*Before golfing, emboss your company's logo onto the ball, the tee, and your watch. Then embroider the logo onto the breast pocket of your shirt. There's nothing quite like an embossed or embroidered corporate logo.
*If you are a cartoonist, make sure to remember any riotous comments or actions that occur while golfing.
*Golfing with clubs is for pussies. A truly skilled golfer requires only the power of his mind to manipulate the ball into the hole.
*Note to non-golfers: Those "World's Greatest Golfer" trophies featuring a plastic image of Snoopy teeing off are not as prestigious as they appear.
*When golfing with a female half your age, offer to "help her with her swing,".
*The new Titleist Titanium 975D features a 260cc deep face head, patented Thru-Bore construction, and a strengthened crown for greater energy transfer and maximum playability. No wonder it's the hottest titanium club on the market.
*For maximum golfing fun, get yourself a high-tech golf bag that shoots your clubs out automatically and plays Journey's "Any Way You Want It" at the touch of a button.
*Determine the angle at which you should putt by crouching low to the ground and pointing your club in the direction of the hole. This is one of the many shrewd techniques that makes golf such a thrilling game to watch.


TOPICS: Humor
KEYWORDS:

1 posted on 07/07/2002 6:21:34 PM PDT by Nachum
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To: Nachum
Hundred bucks says you slice it into the woods.
2 posted on 07/07/2002 6:26:02 PM PDT by TheyConvictedOglethorpe
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Comment #3 Removed by Moderator

To: Nachum; phasma proeliator
Great Big Gobs of Greasy Grimey Gopher Guts....

Oh Mr. Gopher!!!! Mr. Squirrel here, just dropping in to say hi... don't worry about this, it's doctor's orders and such... it's not like it's plastic explosive or anything.
4 posted on 07/07/2002 7:33:08 PM PDT by da_toolman
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To: da_toolman
LOL! dude...

had a pocket gopher in a trap yesterday at the in-laws farm.... biggest damn gopher I've ever seen - first thing I thought of was Bill Murray.


5 posted on 07/08/2002 6:57:21 AM PDT by phasma proeliator
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To: Nachum
When golfing with a female half your age, offer to "help her with her swing.

When helping young women learn the game, I also like the 'hands-on' approach. But you also have to observe as they apply their lessons. This is best done from behind the golferette.

As you encourage her - "address the ball, line up your feet, hands in front of the ball", don't forget to also suggest "now wiggle your hips back and forth".

As she does so, she may ask "why?".

I simply reply, contentedly, "No reason ..." :-)

6 posted on 07/08/2002 7:06:43 AM PDT by fnord
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To: da_toolman
"It's in the Hole!"

"I think he got all of that one."

7 posted on 07/08/2002 7:06:56 AM PDT by kinsman redeemer
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To: da_toolman
"There's a pool... AND a pond...
The pond would be good for YOU."

.

8 posted on 07/08/2002 7:09:44 AM PDT by kinsman redeemer
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To: phasma proeliator
Golphers? - You want me to kill all the golphers?

varmint poontang

9 posted on 07/08/2002 7:16:31 AM PDT by HairOfTheDog
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To: Bitwhacker
BTT FORE!!!!
10 posted on 07/08/2002 7:17:45 AM PDT by Neets
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To: HairOfTheDog
"What brings you to this neck of the nape...uh...
What brings you to this nape of the...uh...er...
What brings you here?"
11 posted on 07/08/2002 7:51:07 AM PDT by kinsman redeemer
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To: kinsman redeemer
Ooh - that reminds me... I shouldn't be here... need to go to work now!

Have a nice day...

I leave you with a Cinderella Story (audio file!)

12 posted on 07/08/2002 7:59:26 AM PDT by HairOfTheDog
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To: HairOfTheDog
Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!
13 posted on 07/08/2002 9:28:17 AM PDT by VRWCmember
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To: VRWCmember
You are ever-so-welcome!
14 posted on 07/08/2002 10:59:04 AM PDT by HairOfTheDog
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