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Bill Gates Arrives At the Pearly Gates...

Well, Bill," said God, "I'm really confused on this one. I'm not sure whether to send you to heaven or hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in the world, and yet you created that ghastly Windows. I'm going to do something I've never done before. I'm going to let you decide where you want to go!"

Mr. Gates replied, "Well, thanks, God. What's the difference between the two?"

God said, "You can take a peek at both places briefly if it will help you decide. Shall we look at hell first?"

Sure!" said Bill. "Let's go!"

Bill was amazed! He saw a clean, white sandy beach with clear waters. There were thousands of beautiful women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining and the temperature was perfect! Bill said, "This is great! If this is hell, I can't wait to see heaven."

To which God replied, "Let's go!" and off they went.

Bill saw puffy white clouds in a beautiful blue sky with angels drifting about playing harps and singing. It was nice, but surely not as enticing as hell. Mr. Gates thought for only a brief moment and then rendered his decision. "God, I do believe I would like to go to hell."

"As you desire," said God.

Two weeks later, God decided to check up on the late billionaire to see how things were going. He found Bill shackled to a wall, screaming amongst the hot flames in a dark cave. He was being burned and tortured by demons. "How ya doin', Bill?" asked God.

Bill responded with anguish and despair, "This is awful! This is not what I expected at all! What happened to the beach and the beautiful women lying in the water?"

"Oh, THAT!" said God. "That was the screen saver!"

Subject: The church organist

Miss Bea, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been
married. She was much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.

The pastor came to call on her one afternoon early in the spring, and
she welcomed him into her Victorian parlor. She invited him to have a
seat while she prepared a little tea.

As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut
glass bowl sitting on top of it, filled with water. In the water
floated, of all things, a condom. Imagine his shock and surprise.

Imagine his curiosity!

Surely Miss Bea had flipped or something...!

When she returned with tea and cookies, they began to chat. The pastor
tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange
floater, but soon it got the better of him, and he could resist no
longer.

"Miss Bea," he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?"
(pointing to the bowl).

"Oh, yes," she replied, "isn't it wonderful? I was walking downtown
last fall and I found this little package on the ground. The directions
said to put it on the organ, keep it wet, and it would prevent disease.
And you know... I haven't had a cold all winter."