The Milkman
A man goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight. His son is having a nightmare the man wakes him and asks his son if he is OK? The son replies he is scared because he dreamt that Auntie Susie had died. The father assures the son that Auntie Susie is fine and sends him to bed. The next day, Auntie Susie dies.
One week later, the man again goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight. His son is having another nightmare - the man again wakes his son. The son this time says that he had dreamt that granddaddy had died. The father assures the son that granddaddy is fine and sends him to bed. The next day, granddaddy dies.
One week later, the man again goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight.. His son is having another nightmare - the man again wakes his son. The son this time says that he had dreamt that daddy had died. The father assures the son that he is OK and sends the boy to bed. The man goes to bed but cannot sleep because he is so terrified. The next day, the man is scared for his life - he is sure is going to die.
After dressing he drives very cautiously to work fearful of a collision. He doesn't eat lunch because he is scared of food poisoning. He avoids everyone for he is sure he will somehow be killed. He jumps at every noise, starts at every movement and hides under his desk. Upon walking in his front door at the end of the day, he finds his wife.
"Good God, Dear," he claims, "I've just had the worst day of my entire life!"
She responds, "You think your day was bad, the milkman dropped dead on the doorstep this morning."
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Do you have to tell it all?
Where do you get the glaring light
To make my clothes look just too tight?
I think I'm fine but I can see
you won't cooperate with me;
The way you let the shadows play
You'd think my hair was getting gray.
What's that, you say? A double chin?
No, that's the way the light comes in;
If you persist in peering so
You'll confiscate my facial glow,
And then if you're not hanging straight
You'll tell me next I'm gaining weight;
I'm really quite upset with you
For giving this distorted view;
I hate you being smug and wise ~
O, look what's happened to my thighs!
I warn you now, O mirrored wall,
Since we're not on speaking terms at all,
If I look like this in my new jeans,
You'll find yourself in smithereens!